Demon’s within


What’s inside you trying to stop you achieving your goals, your dreams?

I have many demons, if read my blog then you know I have the fat demon that always makes me eat and destroys my will power. I also have the self confidence demon who destroys all the confidence I have in my abilities to do things. Why do we have them? Why are some peoples demon stronger than other? Or do they just show it less?

I have thought about this long and hard over the last few weeks as I have been going through this new role and have had my self confidence demon wreak havoc all over my confidence. Some people I work along side exude confidence but still say they get nervous when they have to do things with new groups. Do they feel like I do with a knot in my stomach? I am like the swan, peaceful and serenely float and gliding across the surface of the water but feet going like mad below to keep up. I hate it and wish I knew how to get some confidence in myself quickly and easily. Any tips?

My demons have been re-enforced over the years by myself and a few others that have doubted me and knocked me for whatever reason. Sadly I find undoing that re-enforced conditioning very hard if not impossible. I would like to pass on something that was explained to me by a counsellor I had once. Your mind is always trying to keep you safe, be it your conscious or unconscious mind, it’s goal is always to you safe and protected. So these situations where you have lacked confidence has triggered a response from your brain to keep you away from that situation. This works in many situations and the more you give in to the brain the more in re-enforces it and it becomes easier to run away from whatever it is and hard to challenge it.

This is where I am at the moment?

Anyone else?



Socks and sandals I ask you!

Morning Bloggee’s

I have just seen one of the worst fashion mistakes ever, one that I am glad to say I have never committed (I have made many), are you ready for this? Are you sitting down? If you are gay are you ready to shout out in shock and horror? A man…….wearing sandals…..(you know what I’m going to say next don’t you)…..with socks! I mean the horror of it.

Socks and sandals don’t go, to make it even worse they were the more modern ones which have the comfortable padded straps and toes cushiony things that make them nice and cosy. So my not go foot commando and be natural, why wear bright white socks and show the world what a numpty you are?

This of course leads on to many fashion disaster I could be all opinionated about and you know what I am dam well going to be, HA!

Leggings on certain people I think can accentuate the curve and contours of a body however of ladies of a larger size it really just makes you look fat. I am fat so that qualifies me to judge. I dress to my size and and wear bigger clothes, I would love to wear tight fitting clothes etc but I can’t because I would look like the Michelin man, simples!

Men who wear those lovely tight fitting business suits and shirt, the tailored fit ones (well I am gay after all and it is my job nah duty to perv). If you have the body for them then you look amazing and really does show off the hours of work you have put in at the gym etc. To those of the male of the species who are not as taut and toned as the “fitties” please don’t where these tailored and slim options, it does nothing for you. The buttons pull and the muffin top look is not a good one. Where something a little bigger and go to the gym in the mean time. I also would love to be a muscle Mary just so I can perv over myself but it’s not happening so I am dressing to my size!

My last for todays selection and believe me there are a great many more to pick from is the so called ‘sagging’ look. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR PANTS! Again simple, waist bands again on a guy just peaking above the tops of your jeans/trackies great, fine, no problem. However seeing your arse munching on your boxers is not something I wan to look at. I will tell you a small tale of something I saw one day. I was working away and I decided on my break to go and get some fresh air, it was a hot arid day after all in a busy station. I took myself to the escalators to escape was going up and looked in front of me and what did I see but a man with low slung jeans sitting under is arse and a pair of black rather worn boxers starring back at me.

Dear reader this was not even the worse part of it, to me it’s bad enough, forced to look at someone else’s underwear not my thing, unless it’s David Beckham of course. No right down the cleft of the arse crack was a large, unmistakable sweat patch and it was vile! Why? If you want to show people your arse go and be a stripper or just walk around in your pants. Seriously it a dumb rebellious fashion and I get that people, especially the young want to be rebellious but just walk around in your pants. It would be safer, if ever they have to run for a bus or something the first thing these jeans do is fall to the floor and they have to hold them up and run like a person with a squits! Buy a nice belt and put them round your waste, thats why you have a waste, be rebellious another way without showing others your sweat stained pants and in some cases worse and yes I have also seen the other things but I didn’t want to talk about that in case it bought up for breakfast/lunch/dinner* (*delete as appropriate).

Why am I being all fuddy duddy I hear you ask. I think people look great who wear clothes like that, in fact I wear clothes like that! You may well say. Well all I can say is that great we all have our opinions and this is mine. Please for the love of god, don’t wear socks with sandals, your offending people. Don’t wear leggings if you have to then wear a large over sized t shirt to cover the tops of them up to cover the belly and don’t force people to look at your pants. Simples!

I am sure these simple and easy tips will lead to a more harmonious society the end the class wars to war and hunger. Breeding a society of love, understanding and harmony!

These are findings and commend them to the house!


Cake or death?

Healthy eating vs the morning coffee and pain au chocolat?

This is a question I ask myself quite often as I stand in Starbucks most mornings getting my skinny, wet, medium latte and I stare longingly at the pastries and cakes. I would love one to entertain and enhance my Monday morning journey to work, to fill effortlessly the 45 minute journey with chocolately, pastry goodness. Maybe I would have indulged if it wasn’t for the fact that I am FAT!

There I said it.

Make no mistake if you had called me that I would currently be in fits of tears now and it would have ruined my day in one split second.

I am very sensitive about my weight. In fact I have been battling it since I was 16. I have always been a podgy baby, all my aunts and uncle would always tell me I would lose the puppy weight when I grew up! Well I have got news for you! I fucking well didn’t, ya liars!

Do I blame anyone else for this, no. Do I blame myself for this, Yes!

Do I have any will power at all? No. Well hold on a second that is not true, there have been times in the past when I have been on a diet and stuck to it rigidly and lost loads of weight. At one point I lost 3 stone on Weightwatchers and then again a few years later by just eating healthily I lost another 2 but I always end up putting it all back on.

Looking at it from the outside you might just call me stocky. However if you called me cuddly I likely to punch you up the bracket! I hate being called cuddly! I might not be obese and in the danger zone so to speak but do you know when you area uncomfortable in your own skin? When your clothes don’t fit and your self conscious the whole time? Well I am there.

I went shopping yesterday for some new clothes and I just felt that everyone is staring at me and look directly at my fat belly. Maybe they were, maybe they were not, it doesn’t mater it is the thought that they all were. This is where I am at.

Who can I blame, food companies for making delicious food? Society for making us all believe we all have to look like and be as thin as David Beckham? Me?

I suppose you cold say all of the above. I have a little bit of blame for me above the will power thing as that is my sexuality or rather the issues I has with my sexuality growing up with it. I spent a lot of time on my own in my developing years as I didn’t want anyone to find out so maybe I missed out on the large group of friends to hang around with. Never joined the local swimming or running team despite enjoying these sports. No I sat at home watch Sci-fi programs on the TV and eating and eating and eating.

I have blamed my sexuality for a lot of things in the past. Am I right and valid to do this or am I talking out my bottom? Who knows, its all relative to the situation around us. Some depend on alcohol for a comfort (not talking alcoholics here), who hasn’t been for a drink after a stressful week/experience. Some smoke to chill them out and some take hard core drugs. Some go for a run, some go boxing. You can see where I’m going with this can’t you……some eat. I am an eater. It is the vicious circle, I eat for comfort and the regret eating cause I feel fat and so for comfort I eat more blah blah blah. I hate it, I know I do it but do you think I can stop it? Yes I can but for some reason I chose not to. After all it’s a choice, you chose to smoke or drink.

I know there are few people out there that say smoking and drinking is an addiction, you can just put the pie down. Can you? I challenge this every time I hear it. To me food is an addiction, I know as soon as I put that square of Cadbury Dairy Milk in my mouth and let it melt on my tongue I will feel my worries melt away with it. It will make me smile and for a few seconds I will be in a bliss filled world, like a warm cosy duvet in and warm cosy bed drifting off in to my own little world of joy and happiness. That is from just one square, imagine what my brain thinks will happen if I eat the whole bar? But it’s not like that is it? To me it is the same joy and happiness smokers and drinkers have but it’s food.

So what do I do? Man up? Try my hardest? Re-train my brain to accept something else as my pick me up? You tell me because I am lost with it all.

I am trying again with some of the guys at work and we have bought in financial penalties as an incentive, hopefully this will work. I’ll let you know!

Have a good day Blogee’s!


Gay Marriage in the UK! Yay

I know I have blogged about this already but I truly feel that this is a momentous moment in the UK. Hopefully the world will follow in our footsteps and stop making illegal for people to commit to their LOVE!

To me this is what it comes down to, pure and simple love. Why should we be dictated to about how we can show this love that we have. Love that is as natural as air and water, that is all around.

Of course we don’t need a piece of paper to show this, we each other and that is enough for some. What if it’s not enough? What if like me you want to shout it from the roof tops, to tell the world you have found the ‘one’, the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with! Why should any government or church or religion tell us that our love is wrong, is dirty is illegal! Well you know what I say to

Governments, govern don’t dictate after all it’s power by the people for the people. On this note well done to the Conservative and Liberal Democrat Parties!

Church, you have no right to govern what you clearly don’t understand, one might also say, look to your own house before looking at others. Let he who is free of sin cast the first stone, all I’m going to say is pervy Priest and kiddy fiddly Fathers and Bishops. Do what you do best guide and preach love to all.

Religion, where do you start. I have never been into religion so maybe I speak from a place that I shouldn’t. My understanding is that it is all about giving people faith in something and belief and comfort in themselves. It should preach love and a sacrifice to all. Instead we get war, hatred and sadness all in the name of religion. I pick no one religion out in this, they are all guilty of in if you look back in history. Religion should be about love and understanding, simple. You can’t even let women preach, how out dated are you!

I am so happy that sometime next year I can upgrade my civil partnership to a marriage and finally and more importantly legally call my civil partner my HUSBAND. Can you believe that legally I haven’t been able to do that. At the hotel where we had our reception they could even put it on the board outside the room we had as it would have been illegal! Bonkers!!

I will be having a party and I will be shouting at the top of my voice once again that I have the same rights a privileges as the people around me. I am able to demonstrate and show my love in the best way possible, the holding of hands, the tear of happiness on my cheek, the grin what will never and has never been wiped off my face and the signing of a legal document thats the same as everyone else.

Yay, I can’t wait!



Good Morning Blogee’s!

How are you all? Well? OK? Just about human?

Well today is the good day I have decided this just because I can! So much is going on that I can’t be doing with being negative about it all any longer!

The job is going well although it is still a challenge and still get knots in my stomach. I did my first training course and no one died, in fact they all passed and have started at their respective stations.

So i’m brushing away negativity and enhancing my calm. I love that expression, ‘enhance your calm’, a quote from Demolition Man I think.

I actually don’t know what this blog is about really but I am on the train again I remember always blogging about being stressed and anxious so I though I would do a positive blog! I could just put loads of + signs all over the pages, get it, positive! lol but that would be a waste of your time and mine.

The moving deadline is fast approaching and we have done a lot of organising. I say we but mostly it has been his Lordship as he has more time than me at the moment as I am out of the house 12 hours a day. The movers are booked, the bills are all paid so far, the mortgage is going through, the critical illness cover is going through. All set I suppose.

Critical illness cover is a bit of a swizz though don’t you think. Don’t get me wrong I know that it is extremely important should either one of us fall ill, pays the mortgage etc. The cost is expensive but when you just think of it as a fixed sum for the life of the mortgage then thats fine. The premium doesn’t go up or down it is just fixed. We did work out that it will cost approx £20k for the life of the mortgage. Think of it like that then ouch!

It has been done to give us peace of mind I suppose for the future, knowing that if one of us falls ill the other won’t have to be worried about paying the bills.

On that note I will go away and try and think of something else more interesting to blog about for next time!