Healthy eating vs the morning coffee and pain au chocolat?
This is a question I ask myself quite often as I stand in Starbucks most mornings getting my skinny, wet, medium latte and I stare longingly at the pastries and cakes. I would love one to entertain and enhance my Monday morning journey to work, to fill effortlessly the 45 minute journey with chocolately, pastry goodness. Maybe I would have indulged if it wasn’t for the fact that I am FAT!
There I said it.
Make no mistake if you had called me that I would currently be in fits of tears now and it would have ruined my day in one split second.
I am very sensitive about my weight. In fact I have been battling it since I was 16. I have always been a podgy baby, all my aunts and uncle would always tell me I would lose the puppy weight when I grew up! Well I have got news for you! I fucking well didn’t, ya liars!
Do I blame anyone else for this, no. Do I blame myself for this, Yes!
Do I have any will power at all? No. Well hold on a second that is not true, there have been times in the past when I have been on a diet and stuck to it rigidly and lost loads of weight. At one point I lost 3 stone on Weightwatchers and then again a few years later by just eating healthily I lost another 2 but I always end up putting it all back on.
Looking at it from the outside you might just call me stocky. However if you called me cuddly I likely to punch you up the bracket! I hate being called cuddly! I might not be obese and in the danger zone so to speak but do you know when you area uncomfortable in your own skin? When your clothes don’t fit and your self conscious the whole time? Well I am there.
I went shopping yesterday for some new clothes and I just felt that everyone is staring at me and look directly at my fat belly. Maybe they were, maybe they were not, it doesn’t mater it is the thought that they all were. This is where I am at.
Who can I blame, food companies for making delicious food? Society for making us all believe we all have to look like and be as thin as David Beckham? Me?
I suppose you cold say all of the above. I have a little bit of blame for me above the will power thing as that is my sexuality or rather the issues I has with my sexuality growing up with it. I spent a lot of time on my own in my developing years as I didn’t want anyone to find out so maybe I missed out on the large group of friends to hang around with. Never joined the local swimming or running team despite enjoying these sports. No I sat at home watch Sci-fi programs on the TV and eating and eating and eating.
I have blamed my sexuality for a lot of things in the past. Am I right and valid to do this or am I talking out my bottom? Who knows, its all relative to the situation around us. Some depend on alcohol for a comfort (not talking alcoholics here), who hasn’t been for a drink after a stressful week/experience. Some smoke to chill them out and some take hard core drugs. Some go for a run, some go boxing. You can see where I’m going with this can’t you……some eat. I am an eater. It is the vicious circle, I eat for comfort and the regret eating cause I feel fat and so for comfort I eat more blah blah blah. I hate it, I know I do it but do you think I can stop it? Yes I can but for some reason I chose not to. After all it’s a choice, you chose to smoke or drink.
I know there are few people out there that say smoking and drinking is an addiction, you can just put the pie down. Can you? I challenge this every time I hear it. To me food is an addiction, I know as soon as I put that square of Cadbury Dairy Milk in my mouth and let it melt on my tongue I will feel my worries melt away with it. It will make me smile and for a few seconds I will be in a bliss filled world, like a warm cosy duvet in and warm cosy bed drifting off in to my own little world of joy and happiness. That is from just one square, imagine what my brain thinks will happen if I eat the whole bar? But it’s not like that is it? To me it is the same joy and happiness smokers and drinkers have but it’s food.
So what do I do? Man up? Try my hardest? Re-train my brain to accept something else as my pick me up? You tell me because I am lost with it all.
I am trying again with some of the guys at work and we have bought in financial penalties as an incentive, hopefully this will work. I’ll let you know!
Have a good day Blogee’s!