Hi all,

What is control?

I don’t know why this popped into my head last night, well that’s bollocks of course I do, I was shovelling chocolate and ice cream down my throat like no ones business on some sort of self destruct. Bored out of my brain trying to fill the boredom with food, when I actually woke up to myself and decided enough was enough. I had been saying that for the last 4 weeks, saying that I will be back to my previous weight by the time I go back to work. So I tempted fate and tried on my uniform….!!WAKE UP CALL!!….received loud and clear. Basically the shirts I could barely move in and the trouser were just about OK. SHIT!

Firstly a wave of disgust and failure flashed over me, I was thinking I have done so well fixing my mental health I had taken my eye off the physical health. Don’t get me wrong dealing with the things I have been dealing with I have needed my chocolate and comfort food, I just thought nearly everyday I’ll give it up tomorrow but as we all know tomorrow never comes. I finally exerted some self control over myself which got me thinking, why then at that moment, obviously the uniform disaster had something to do with it, why not a few weeks ago, what is it about self control that is so difficult to some.

Control can be many things really can’t it, the dictionary defines it as

  • The power to influence or direct people’s behaviour or the course of events: the whole operation is under the control of a production manager | the situation was slipping out of her control.
  • The ability to manage a machine, vehicle, or other moving object: he lost control of his car | improve your ball control.
  • The restriction of an activity, tendency, or phenomenon: crime control.
  • The ability to restrain one’s own emotions or actions: she was goaded beyond control.

The power to influence others, that sounds like a fun one doesn’t it, positive and negative sides to it and we all have the power to exert control over others, parents to children, siblings and spouses, there are very rare undocumented occasions that I have actually exerted some control over his Lordship, not that often though, he will of course deny it.

The second one is easy as well, we all control the objects around us as it says cars etc.

The restriction of an activity or tendency, so I suppose we all look at the overlords for that, the governments and agencies of those governments of the world that try to control us and keep on the right side of the law but is it just government that try to control us in that way. Do our employers try to control us or curb the way we behave when we are being paid by them, yes I think they do! If they are paying for your time then maybe they have a right to do so but even that has a line that mustn’t be crossed.

The final one is the most interesting to me, restraining one’s own emotions or actions. How good are we? If we are honest with ourselves how often to we cave into our vices when we know we shouldn’t. I fold like a wet paper bag every time to be honest and I’m not alone in this. His Lordship has a terrible addiction to crisps, now I can eat crisps as they are very low in sugar so I have a bag or 2 in the flat for when I really need something as a comfort but usually they have been eaten so I have to resort to buying Prawn Cocktail flavour as he hates them, he has little or no will power, a disastrous match when it comes to being healthy!

So take me right now, I am in a coffee shop and remembering it was last night that I drew my line in the sand to get myself back to health and eradicate again my sugar consumption. I have a bit of will power behind me and if honest I am feeling a little ashamed of how I have behaved food wise, all motivators. So I am meeting a friend in half an hour and I haven’t had breakfast so I’m looking at the counter and not seeing a great selection of options, I thought a croissant, no sugar, however in my brain we get following….

I’ll go for the croissant but they don’t exactly look fresh….

Mmmmmmm that Millionaire Shortbread looks nice and gooey.

No, no sugar, remember your shirt last night fat boy!

Mmmmmmm, gooey caramel and chocolate, buttery biscuit base, it would feel so nice, go on treat yourself, you haven’t had anything sweet in 12 whole hours.

Get over yourself, you’re having a ham and cheese panini and you’re going to like it, 12 hours get a fucking grip!

You’re so mean to me,  I’m so upset, all I am trying to do is comfort you to keep you happy and you treat me like this!

You’re right, thanks and all but fuck off, you are seriously killing us, now go back to sleep and let me take care of us for a while.

Woo Hoo, I win! I don’t think it’s healthy to talk about myself in the third person! lol!

Needless to say it was tough but the panini won out but I am still sitting here thinking that when my friend arrives she will ask if I want anything and I am even now trying to justify say yes to the Millionaire Shortbread……mmmmmm Millionaire Shortbread, god I sound like Homer Simpson, not far off looking like him….we have the same hairline! lol!

My vice, sugar has recently been proven to be more addictive than cocaine, typical me, pick the hard thing every time, I should give up smoking, I’d be dead good at that!  What I take comfort in is that fact that is all my brain, chemicals, endorphins and biology causing the cravings. We are hard wired to crave sugar, understanding where this all comes from makes it ever so slightly easier to do and that if you can just make a couple of weeks things start to get better.

I find it so easy to control others and to be controlled by others, let’s face it we all are controlled pretty much all the time by one thing or another and that’s OK, it keeps us safe and well and in line. Maybe that’s why we find self control a challenge, we don’t have to do as we are told, we are the ones in charges and we are the ones that can ignore us and do what we like.

Maybe it’s an act of rebellion, for example, you make me get up at 4am and smile at people, you make me sit the cold and smile at people when I secretly want to kill them so when I get a break or when I get home I am going to eat my own body weight in Jammie Dodger’s or drink a whole box of Country Manor wine! (Whatever happened to the boxes of wine)

I leave you with these thoughts!

You may not have made it this far, not my most stimulating blog but as Im still not at work I haven’t pick up on may subjects to write about, fingers crossed for next week! lol








Good Morning!

So today I thought I would talk about something that was a bit of a revelation to me during one of my counselling sessions. It may seem a bit silly as I am sure we all know what values are and yes we do, I know what values are. They are the things we live our lives by but have you ever really sat down and thought about what you inner, personal ‘core’ values are? Well, as I mentioned I did such an exercise with my counsellor and later on I will share it with you but I have to say I learnt so much about myself in that hour, well maybe not all new things but certainly reaffirmed a few things for me.

I found it quite hard at first to think about my values, I mean I have always thought of myself as honest and someone who likes to enjoy what they do and have a laugh, but to try and make a list of the everything that I consider a value was quite daunting. Thankfully my counsellor handed my a piece of paper with a long list of of values on, it made it much easier. So I come back to the question, what is a value?

It is something you live you life by? Or something to you try or aim to live your life by? I mean when I say I listed truth as a value am I saying that I am always truthful, if I am honest then no I can’t say that but do I always try to be truthful with people then hell yes! So to me a value can be both something you live your life by and something you try your very best to achieve in life, in your dealings with people and family.

I am going to share the first part of the exercise I did with you, it’s aimed more at the work area of life but I think it bleeds into all parts of life, I hope it doesn’t actually break any copyrights or anything, it was given to me on a printed piece of paper from my counsellor. I wrote all over it so I am going to type it in, maybe you will learn something about yourself, I am no psychologist or counsellor but I learned a fair bit about myself and had somethings validated for me. Let me know what you think.

So you have to go through the following list and pick 25 of the following values that mean something to you, the best thing is not to over think them, gut reaction is best, write them down on a piece of paper. (This will only display properly if you view on a desktop, doesn’t come across well on a mobile)

Achievement                     Pleasure                        Integrity                  Supervising Others                         Leadership                        Creativity                      Work with Others    Friendships                             Advancement/                  Power and Authority    Involvement            Team Work                        Promotion                        Customer Service          Working Alone        Growth                            Loyalty                              Privacy                           Expertise                Time Freedom             Adventure                         Decisiveness                  Stability                  Helping Society                Market Position                Public Service                Security                  Truth                                Challenging Problems      Democracy                    Excellence               Honesty                       Meaningful Work             Persistence                    Serenity                   Wealth                         Change and Variety          Self-Motivation            Excitement              Freedom                            Money                               Knowledge                    Self-Respect            Work Under Pressure Clear Communications    Humour                         Physical Challenge  Influencing Others     Nature                              Economic Security        Competition             Status                                    Close Relationships         Quality Relationships   Financial Gain          Wisdom                       Open and Honest             Effectiveness                Personal Development                                Cooperation                     Recognition                   Competence              Community                       Order                                Ethical Practice             Independence

One you have selected you 25 values you need to break them into 5 groups of values that you think sit together well, you can have as many or a little in each group as you like. For an example I have put mine in below,

Loyalty                    Adventure      Team Work              Customer Service    Self-Motivation                           Open and Honest   Pleasure          Meaningful Work    Ethical Practice       Recognition           Stability                  Humour          Clear Comms           Self Respect             Integrity                     Freedom                 Excitement     Democracy               Time Freedom         Independence       Truth                      Friendships    Involvement                                                                                 Honesty                                         Personal Development

Now once you have done this pick one value from each group to be the groups name, the value you think encompasses the meaning of the entire group, again I have done mine below the,

Loyalty                    Adventure      Team Work             Customer Service    Self-Motivation Open and Honest    Pleasure         Meaningful Work   Ethical Practice       Recognition Stability                   Humour         Clear Comms          Self Respect             Integrity Freedom                  Excitement    Democracy              Time Freedom         Independence Truth                       Friendships    Involvement                                                                  Honesty                                           Personal Development

The ones I have highlighted are my core values, Truth, Adventure, Involvement, Self Respect and Integrity.

I found this exercise quite interesting to actually look in on myself and think of my values for the first time. I even put them on an A4 piece of paper that I can have with me and put on desks where I work or around my own to always remind me that these are my values and I don’t have to trade them in.IMG_2300

Sometime you may have to bend them and for very good reason or maybe override them, for a very good reason I mean safety or other laws or maybe to protect someone. These are my core values and they may change over time with different experiences but it is comforting to know that they will guide me and back me up when I might need that little bit of guidance. They might help me understand other people, we always have to remember that everyone has different values to us and that is why we may clash but it is OK as long as we are true to ourselves and always try our best then that is all we can do.


Recovery continues….


How are you all doing my friends!

I am doing very well thank you very much for asking. In fact I am so much better I am hoping to go back to work for some normality and some routine. Of course I am sure I will regret doing this as soon as I spend more than a week in the place that I affectionally call the Hellmouth!

In all seriousness though I am doing very well. I have managed to get myself of the diazepam and my sleeping is a lot better and I have been through 3 weeks now without getting anxious about anything, so either the medication is working well or am have actually managed to calm myself down, I think it is the former. Only one thing on the horizon that is really bugging me and that is a meeting on Friday with the peeps from work to organise my return and to which job I am coming back to.

I am not sure if I mentioned in my last blog but I have been suffering from severe anxiety and depression and while I suppose a lot of people would have written in depth blogs about this subject I don’t really want to. I am not an expert on the subject I am just someone that suffers from it and is in recovery from it. I would rather just blog about the crap that I encounter everyday. so as a recap or if I haven’t actually said anything before I am off work and have been for 3 months, on anti-depressants and recently of the diazepam. So I need to go back to work and this is the crux of the matter do I go back to the job I was seconded to which I found a little stressful and I think ultimately caused the breakdown or go back to my original job that is not all that challenging but is stable and surround by supportive and nice people. I know what you are all saying, it’s a no brainer and maybe you are right. In fact it is the decision that I have come to myself, I just need to inform those people/managers who it is going to affect.

How lucky am I though, I get to choose between 2 jobs (my counsellors way of looking at it) how many people are that lucky and she is right, dam right. What is happening now of course is that all the other thoughts keep popping into my head, ‘What if you OK now and can handle the stress?’ and ‘You’ll be bored in weeks back in your old job’ followed by people asking me to go to the stressful job because they need me to do it as no one else can! Why do I feel to the need to justify my decision to people? I don’t for fuck sake! I am winding myself up again now, aarrrrgghhh! Yes, I miss being a trainer and being surrounded by the other guys however they are no longer there and it is a very different team. I also know who it will work as I have seen it before, yes they will let you ease back into it but before you know it they’ll be shite flying from all angles to land on my desk to eat with. Can I do the job? Yes, if they do it they way they did it but they are doing something new which we all know will not work. Maybe I should wait it out and see how the it all comes to pass.

Maybe its time to spread my wings and try something new? Thats leads on to the ‘Fear’, I have a stable well paid job but I am not happy….

One thing I have learnt from counselling and taking a time out from life is that I have stopped doing all the things I love doing, in fact I have stopped doing them for so longer know what they are. I know that sounds stupid but I just don’t know what I enjoy doing anymore. So we have worked together and I have soul searched (hate that expression but it fits) and I have realised that work became my life and it was everything. That had to stop but its been tough to stop something that has taken over my life for so long.

It occurred to me that I work a 35 hour week, so a 7 hours a day 5 days a week job and if you break that down it add up to roughly 1 1/2 days a week I am actually at work, add the other half a day for travelling and 2 days a week for sleeping. That leaves me roughly 3 days a week to do the things I enjoy. Wow, this was a revelation to me!

What have I come up with I hear you ask? Well, one thing is writing, I used to like keeping a journal although I hated reading them back as I’m such a twat anyway. I have been on and off doing this blog so I am going to make more time for  me to do so. I have ideas in my head for books and short stories but I don’t feel I have the necessary skills to be able to it justice so….I have also been doing some short online course in  nutrition and creative writing which I am enjoying.

I am still working on finding other things that I enjoy doing so expect to her more from me on this subject as well as other things, I can quite an opinionated knob when I want to me so expect to hear some ranting. Maybe I will cover anxiety and depression in greater detail if you want to hear about it let me know!

Right I am off to eat a rather huge amount of lemon cheesecake that has been waiting for me while I write this. Have a great day peeps!





Day 1…..again!

Hi all,

It has been a while since I last jotted anything down to you all, apologies! I am currently in one of may favourite places at the moment to bring the old mac book and write and chill. In The Village Cafe in Codsall, where I hear you ask. Well, it’s not actually all that far from where I live but just far enough away to be almost in the country. Also it is where my counsellor lives, I discovered this cafe as the trains get here early and I have nearly an hour to wait. I have been trying to get back into writing and journalling and blogging so it seems to match up well. I like the environment and I can people watch and they make really nice breakfast rolls.


So, some of you may have picked up on the fact that I am in Codsall to see a counsellor, why does Si need to see I hear you all ask. A well adjusted, conscientious thing like him will be all fine in the head case department? How far that is from the truth, no seriously and to save a very long story I had a break down at work that was bought on by my job and severe anxiety issues. I have had anxiety for a long time and it hasn’t gotten any better and neither have I at dealing with it to be honest, head in the sand sadly.

So after so rather scary events, walking around Wolves town centre not quite sure of why, where I was or what I was doing and had to be found by my husband and then after 3 days of not sleeping trying to get out the front door in my jim-jams at 3am in the morning and not haven’t the faintest idea of why I was doing ti or where I was going. To be honest it scared me a little. So after multiple trips to the doctor and some counselling sessions I am on the mend finally. I have been on a myriad of drugs, the ones that make you a zombie, the ones that make you feel drunk the whole time, the ones that are supposed to make you sleep and keep you awake all night. Then finally the good ones, the ones that level you out so life is manageable and the ones that sedate you so you can sleep at night!

So I am in a position now after the christmas madness that I can sit and take stock of where I am and where I am going next. I feel a lot more stable and level now and able to get out and about in the world and not feel scared of everything. There is still plenty I fear, more on that in another blog. I also am aware of what I need to do to make changes to my life, to make it more enjoyable, it currently isn’t in some aspects, to make my life more distracting, an essential for those with anxiety. I hope to be blogging about those in future blogs as I make a real effort to do more of the things that I enjoy and try to inject more fun and happiness in my life, writing is a big one, I love writing and I love my mac book so that seems to go together quite well.

So why the title, Day 1….again? Well some of it comes from the fact that this was my third break down and it feels like day 1 all over again of the mountain still to climb to get over it, I feel that base camp has been made and that the support structure is there but the climb is all on me.

It also pertains to giving up sugar….again. I gave up sugar last year in March I think and by September I had lost 1 and 3/4 stones and was mere pounds from my ideal, dream weight. Apart from the first few weeks of realising how much sugar is in the foods that I eat, a lot, and getting past the cravings for it nearly 24/7, after all sugar is more addictive that cocaine! Yes! So this time around it should be remarkably easy to be after all I know now what I didn’t now then, I know I can do it and I can do it well. All I need is will power and after I shovelled the last of the christmas chocolate down my throat I feel so sick of it so I am hoping that will help, it actual fact I am in this cafe that doubles as a high end bakery looking at delicious cakes and feel nauseous, a good sign!

I suppose that’s a little round up of where I am now, fucked in the head but getting better, had nearly 2 months of work and getting bored and starting to believe in the mantra, healthy body (no sugar/processed foods) healthy mind, goodbye anxiety/depression.

More soon!