What is control?
I don’t know why this popped into my head last night, well that’s bollocks of course I do, I was shovelling chocolate and ice cream down my throat like no ones business on some sort of self destruct. Bored out of my brain trying to fill the boredom with food, when I actually woke up to myself and decided enough was enough. I had been saying that for the last 4 weeks, saying that I will be back to my previous weight by the time I go back to work. So I tempted fate and tried on my uniform….!!WAKE UP CALL!!….received loud and clear. Basically the shirts I could barely move in and the trouser were just about OK. SHIT!
Firstly a wave of disgust and failure flashed over me, I was thinking I have done so well fixing my mental health I had taken my eye off the physical health. Don’t get me wrong dealing with the things I have been dealing with I have needed my chocolate and comfort food, I just thought nearly everyday I’ll give it up tomorrow but as we all know tomorrow never comes. I finally exerted some self control over myself which got me thinking, why then at that moment, obviously the uniform disaster had something to do with it, why not a few weeks ago, what is it about self control that is so difficult to some.
Control can be many things really can’t it, the dictionary defines it as
- The power to influence or direct people’s behaviour or the course of events: the whole operation is under the control of a production manager | the situation was slipping out of her control.
- The ability to manage a machine, vehicle, or other moving object: he lost control of his car | improve your ball control.
- The restriction of an activity, tendency, or phenomenon: crime control.
- The ability to restrain one’s own emotions or actions: she was goaded beyond control.
The power to influence others, that sounds like a fun one doesn’t it, positive and negative sides to it and we all have the power to exert control over others, parents to children, siblings and spouses, there are very rare undocumented occasions that I have actually exerted some control over his Lordship, not that often though, he will of course deny it.
The second one is easy as well, we all control the objects around us as it says cars etc.
The restriction of an activity or tendency, so I suppose we all look at the overlords for that, the governments and agencies of those governments of the world that try to control us and keep on the right side of the law but is it just government that try to control us in that way. Do our employers try to control us or curb the way we behave when we are being paid by them, yes I think they do! If they are paying for your time then maybe they have a right to do so but even that has a line that mustn’t be crossed.
The final one is the most interesting to me, restraining one’s own emotions or actions. How good are we? If we are honest with ourselves how often to we cave into our vices when we know we shouldn’t. I fold like a wet paper bag every time to be honest and I’m not alone in this. His Lordship has a terrible addiction to crisps, now I can eat crisps as they are very low in sugar so I have a bag or 2 in the flat for when I really need something as a comfort but usually they have been eaten so I have to resort to buying Prawn Cocktail flavour as he hates them, he has little or no will power, a disastrous match when it comes to being healthy!
So take me right now, I am in a coffee shop and remembering it was last night that I drew my line in the sand to get myself back to health and eradicate again my sugar consumption. I have a bit of will power behind me and if honest I am feeling a little ashamed of how I have behaved food wise, all motivators. So I am meeting a friend in half an hour and I haven’t had breakfast so I’m looking at the counter and not seeing a great selection of options, I thought a croissant, no sugar, however in my brain we get following….
I’ll go for the croissant but they don’t exactly look fresh….
Mmmmmmm that Millionaire Shortbread looks nice and gooey.
No, no sugar, remember your shirt last night fat boy!
Mmmmmmm, gooey caramel and chocolate, buttery biscuit base, it would feel so nice, go on treat yourself, you haven’t had anything sweet in 12 whole hours.
Get over yourself, you’re having a ham and cheese panini and you’re going to like it, 12 hours get a fucking grip!
You’re so mean to me, I’m so upset, all I am trying to do is comfort you to keep you happy and you treat me like this!
You’re right, thanks and all but fuck off, you are seriously killing us, now go back to sleep and let me take care of us for a while.
Woo Hoo, I win! I don’t think it’s healthy to talk about myself in the third person! lol!
Needless to say it was tough but the panini won out but I am still sitting here thinking that when my friend arrives she will ask if I want anything and I am even now trying to justify say yes to the Millionaire Shortbread……mmmmmm Millionaire Shortbread, god I sound like Homer Simpson, not far off looking like him….we have the same hairline! lol!
My vice, sugar has recently been proven to be more addictive than cocaine, typical me, pick the hard thing every time, I should give up smoking, I’d be dead good at that! What I take comfort in is that fact that is all my brain, chemicals, endorphins and biology causing the cravings. We are hard wired to crave sugar, understanding where this all comes from makes it ever so slightly easier to do and that if you can just make a couple of weeks things start to get better.
I find it so easy to control others and to be controlled by others, let’s face it we all are controlled pretty much all the time by one thing or another and that’s OK, it keeps us safe and well and in line. Maybe that’s why we find self control a challenge, we don’t have to do as we are told, we are the ones in charges and we are the ones that can ignore us and do what we like.
Maybe it’s an act of rebellion, for example, you make me get up at 4am and smile at people, you make me sit the cold and smile at people when I secretly want to kill them so when I get a break or when I get home I am going to eat my own body weight in Jammie Dodger’s or drink a whole box of Country Manor wine! (Whatever happened to the boxes of wine)
I leave you with these thoughts!
You may not have made it this far, not my most stimulating blog but as Im still not at work I haven’t pick up on may subjects to write about, fingers crossed for next week! lol