I can now share the missing blog, for me this is a big deal but for others some it might not be anything big. As usual the Hubster was amazing and supportive and well just wonderful. Anyway blog as below….
Holding on to Sanity!
It occurred to me during a bad few days a few weeks ago that our or more specifically, my grip on Sanity is at times, is not the strongest. I’ll put it in some context.
One minute I am ok, get up to go to work and by the time I have got there I have sunk into a terrible mood. Not just a bad mood but I have dropped into very dark place, you will know what I am talking about if you have ever had a break down. In this place anything is possible, that expression might bring images of limitless possibilities and happiness to your imagination as per the conditioning of the media and society but I want you to think of the complete opposite.
It is not a good place, it is a place of darkness, the darkest darkness where there is no light, a place of despair and loss, loneliness and fear, it has no path and no clear means of escape. Dark, hurtful things lurk here in deepest corner of our minds a place where the most drastic courses of action grow from a small seed of despair and feed on the darkness leading to any number of possibilities. I know that sounds bleak and I’m am very sorry if it upsets anyone to think about it but it is a place of pure despair and panic. Now I was in that place and surrounded by work colleagues and having to carry on and do my job. Luckily it was busy enough to distract me from where my mind found itself but I was still stuck searching for a way out in the minutes between customers when it would go dark, a tear ever constant in the corner of my eye threatening to betray my inner thoughts to all that would be looking.
My colleagues were of course concerned and trying to cheer me up but they couldn’t really help, no one could break down the wall I had put up to protect myself from falling, which clearly wasn’t working. If I had talked about how I was truly feeling I would burden and shock them. I thought they would see me differently and maybe even judge me, think differently about me and I couldn’t handle that. All I could think about was getting to the end of my shift and getting home, my safe place where it would be ok to let myself just fall and no one would be put out by me.
Over recent months during these, thankfully rare occurrences, my thoughts have come to very dark thoughts. They may not be dark for some but our experiences are all relative, for me it was very worrying. I feel numb to everything and my thoughts keep going towards self harming and hurting myself (my god that was tougher to type than I thought). I don’t want anyone to worry I don’t mean the more extreme end of the that scale. I think that I need to feel something, anything, to cause myself some pain is somehow to prove that I am still capable of feeling something, anything. Or is it a cry for help? I can’t even describe it here right now typing this but in those minutes and hours it’s all that comes to my mind, ‘cut yourself and you feel something’. I never understood self harming until recently.
I always advocate talking to people but just to contradict myself, I know it can really be difficult to start a conversation when you think you will scare the crap out of people. In the process of wanting to get help you worry about burdening them or maybe the judgements or an over reaction. My colleagues were really nice and kind, they could see I was struggling. Considering what I just said, would it be fair to burden them? I ended up just asking them to leave me alone and thanked them for their concern and they respected that. I just know that at that time a tap may have been opened that couldn’t or would have been difficult to close, I may have said something that I could never take back and be forever jaded in their view.
Here’s the positive bit, I talked, after few hours and it wasn’t concerning the dark place I was in. It started with a text to Hubby telling him how I was feeling (in a dark place, that I’m not a nice person) in a basic way leaving out the details. He was as always amazing and said he would be waiting at home for me. I started the upward climb, there was a chink of light I could see. I started talking to my colleagues just about work and the day and the climb got easier as I was more distracted. I should have done it sooner? Would that have been possible considering where I was?
The afternoon after work was spent talking with Hubby, getting out into the sunshine with the addition of coffee and cake. The only negative is that I couldn’t tell him what was really in my mind, well at least at the time, it has all been brought up as I edit this for posting.
Talking again saves the day, maybe it isn’t always easy, maybe you need to wait or maybe the people around need to persevere but with extreme caution but it proved to me that there were many around me concerned, ready and willing to help and talk, to offer that shoulder.
The dark place comes with me always and it frightens the crap out of me, it frightens me how my grip on my sanity it so strong one minute and collapsing around me the next. How quickly you can descend into the chaos and despair but on the flip side how quickly with the right timing and people you can pull yourself out.
I don’t say this for sympathy but to educate and show that this is around you everyday. I am extremely lucky have such a strong support network and work place. Others may not, all I ask is that you keep an eye out for your colleagues, friend and family. If you don’t feel confident in approaching someone maybe talk to someone who is close to that person and say something to them, they ay not have noticed what you have.
Talk, please talk! It does get better and there is help out there so please, talk!