So today I write in a place of some confusion.
Yesterday my recently ex husband/partner asked if I was in after work and be free for a chat. This can really only really one thing dear reader, bad news is coming. What else can you do but Si and wait for it, so that it what I did. Watching Eastenders and Holby from the previous day, eating the wrong foods and doughnuts.
In he comes, there is a general chat about how everything is going as we are still living together and as it was an amicable split up we are both happy with the arrangements. I confess that I am in no rush to live alone as I still need to save up some money before I can go but I like where I live and it is working so i’m sticking with it.
We talked about all the stuff going on for us and giggle and laugh and I tell him what has been happening with my friend. We go over the faults in our relationship and re-enforce that we are happier now and discuss some of the things that might have saved it but in the long run it is done now and we deal with what is happening now.
Then he tells me, he says it and for a second I am surprised. Then the logical part of my brain kicks and says “Of course he is”. He has been dating someone for the last 4 weeks, it has only been 2 months since we split up. He has been spending a lot of time in Northampton with old friends and he met someone he liked, they slept together at Pride and have been on a few dates with this person. I sit and absorb, the feelings hit, jealously (why is he first?), anger (it’s been a few weeks, it’s too soon), intrigue (is he thinner than me? Better looking than me?). Thank god I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow I think, which is where I am off to now, will continue this when I get home……..
………So I am back home now and after a difficult session and even more difficult conversation with the ex when I got home I am confused and conflicted but I am OK.
So the only question I keep coming back to is, ‘I can’t have been that hard to get over’, which my is where I am stuck so I called him out on it. It wasn’t easy, he said it was terrible timing and that he is not fully over what happened between us but it was there, he agonised over it and decided not to let an opportunity pass by. I know he is further down the line, he knew and I did if I am honest, that our relationship was over a long time before so he reconciled it in his mind where I am still struggling. Not that I am letting him off the hook, it still hurts and I feel that I am essay to get over after 10 years but again would I have done the same thing if our positions were reversed.
Confusing and conflicted. I wish him well and hope to have a very special friendship for many years to come but for now, I need time to process and think.
What I do now is in my hands, do I let it overwhelm me and get stuck or do I process, accept and move on wishing him well?
Advice and guidance?