Dating….when is it right?

So, as you know dear readers that I have and am going through a recent marriage break up after 10 years together. So the question I want to ask you lovely people is when it is right to start dating again? To chance being naked with someone else again? To be kissed and I mean really kissed in the most intimate way you can between 2 people? Be hugged and spooned by someone else?

There are varying thoughts I have been given by others over the last few weeks and months, some saying get back on the horse straight away, others saying wait until it feels right and some that say it should be years before you can even thinking about dating again.

You might even be thinking why I am asking this question? Well if you are a keen reader of my blog and lets face it, why would you be it’s so dull. However you will know that my ex has already moved and got his myself a new relationship with a new man  and I really don’t know how he has done that so quickly. How he has detached his feelings and emotions and how he can intimate with someone already and so soon.

I have tried, I was talking to this one guy off one of the apps and he is a really lovely guy, really lovely I won’t and can’t say a say word against him. He has been single for a while and he was looking for more than just a shag. That is how is started out a shag and it was good, I though nothing more of it than that. Let’s face it we all have itches to scratch and let’s be clear about intimacy, intimacy between lovers is far deeper and more intense than just a quick fuck. We went shopping one day and chilled out but even that started with a shag. I thought fuck buddies or friends with benefits maybe. I had been clear from the start that I was after nothing serious and he knew fully the situation even commenting that he didn’t want to be anyone rebound etc.

So movie night came around and the long story short I went round to chill and watch films and it was nice. We had some food, chatted and chilled. Then it happened, he started leaning in for kisses and rested his hand on my hand and stroked it. I was freaked out and little well and lot but I kept it all on the inside. I removed my hand under the pretence of scratching my eye brow or something. It happened again, so what do you do say something or not? I didn’t want to lead anyone on so I had to say something and of course it made him keep awkward and uncomfortable.

I spent the night in the spare on as was the plan and then I got the whole, come in for a spoon if you want. I mean I was clear and I didn’t want to have to be rude so I got dressed and went downstairs. He came down looking forlorn and I didn’t really know what to say and long story short he dropped me back at the train station and that was that. A text followed the next day him apologising and sorry that it was awkward. He had no reason to apologise, well, maybe a little. He wants something I can’t give. I mean the hand on my hand I just freaked a little. Only one person has done that for 10 years.

So it follows the question, when is the right time! Is it 6 months? 9 months? A year? Why can one half of this situation move on in a few weeks and I am struggling to get my head round it. Does that mean I am still lingering in the past? Am I processing?

Full disclosure here though. I do talk to people and as I get lonely so go on apps and chat to people. Human contact and with the intention of making friends, new friends but most I have met and have started to form friendships with then cross the line. Tell me they have feelings for me and I yet again have to have a conversation about not being ready for that despite them already knowing this. It is getting annoying. I take it as a great compliment to be fair but why can’t people respect the line.

So any help or guidance you can give.

In my mind I will get passed this and begin to put it all behind. Then one day maybe sooner rather than later I will meet a bloke that will change my world and make me happier than ever before. Am I fooling myself?

Si

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The Blame Game… you can’t win!

So dear reader as you know my marriage and relationship of ten years recently went down the crapper, see how I’m using humour now to get me through all the crap. Well lots of things get thrown around during these times. You did this, you could have done that, I did this and should have done that and so on. It hurts. It is painful and it sometimes isn’t helpful.

You’ll notice I said sometimes because I think it can be the most helpful thing to do.

Blame for blame sake, to make you feel better and try to score points against the other party isn’t very constructive or helpful. You can score a few points, make the other person feel bad and yourself better but take it from me it doesn’t last that long…so it really isn’t worth it.

I good blow out equal from both sides is however very good. I have had two such sessions with the ex and they have been very very useful to me. The first helped me get passed the whole ‘I’ve got a new fella’ thing and the second was more for the ex’s benefit but I had my say about a few things and both conversations/rows were helpful. I’m not going to go into details are these are personal things that exist between me and him.

One thing I will always say is that the relationship demise and ending was a 50/50 thing, I am to blame and he is to blame for certain things. I always think it was more me than him but that is just me and the way I am. I know and state for all eternity and enter it up to the universe and on this blog that no one reads, the relationship ended and it was right that it did and it was 50/50 on both parties. I accept this as fact and will spend no more time dwelling on this part of my past.

However, when it comes to blame the lines can get blurred by perception. Other peoples and our own. My perception on the whole thing is that he was such a nice guy then it must have been me that was in the wrong so I must be to blame. Taking a step back and understanding the facts and feelings behind things does tend to bring things back into focus. It is hard to truly understand feelings, after all feelings are very different from one person to the next. My feelings of anxiety and stress are at an extreme end of the scale as I have an anxiety disorder but a friend is so laid back and chilled in all aspects of life that his perception on anxiety is completely different. So how do you understand someone else’s emotion?

It is very difficult but just listen and take what they say at face value, if it someone you trust and know then this is easy but maybe for a stranger it is harder. Don’t just hear what they are saying, listen to them. To the way they form their words, say them and the pauses between them as they compose and think about the next sentence. Watch them, their body language, hands and gestures. Look them in the eye, as difficult as that may be and see what the whole message is. You may not get it totally but you might just pick up a few things that will hint towards the truth they are feeling.

Facts are easy they are the names, dates and situations but combine the facts and the feelings and what you thought was a truth has become blurred and you have to try and refocus the scene with the new information (feelings) that have come to light. It can the difference between ‘You are to blame for ruining my night out and you did it on purpose’ to ‘I played a part in that night and I didn’t understand just how hard that night was for you and maybe should have done things differently’. It’s never as clear cut as you think to just call someone out and tell them they are to blame for the situation/event. Even in the simplest of cases you still need to know what is behind the scenes.

It is sad that people do this but it is nature and understandable, I am sure friendships have been damaged or lost, relationships ruined or seriously eroded because of this. We all know what it is like in the heat of that moment, anger is coursing through your mind, adrenaline and cortisol pumping through your body looking thinking about whatever situation has unfolded and you want to lash out, to make someone hurt as much as you are hurting. It is the hardest thing in the world to bring yourself back from that but maybe just think, deep breathes, pause and wait for the adrenaline and cortisol to leave your system. Again I know just how impossible that can seem but you can do it, channel it to somewhere else, to something else. Breathe. Or at least walk away and calm down before being constructive.

The conversation I have had with the ex had been at first in the heat of the moment and things have been said that were not helpful. We realised that this wasn’t the time or the place for such conversation and agree and time we will both be around to in a safe place and time to talk these things through.

Other people perceptions those on the outside looking in are very different things, those not connected to the situation directly, those on social media, if you live you life online. These people will really never know the truth in the facts and feelings, they only see what you tell them and what they themselves can see. So these people make their minds and judgements up on what they have in front of them, what pictures and post from social media and the gossip they have heard. Blame or judgements are thrown around and they maybe less hurtful as these aren’t the closest of friends but if enough of these ‘friends’ make the wrong judgements and start gossiping and trading their opinions with others it can be damaging. It can even be perceived as if the other party in the row has been spreading things to their friends etc when this is not the case.

What you do about this….simple don’t live you entire life on social media….ironic that I am writing this on a blog? You don’t have to give it up but you don’t have to air your dirty linen in public, keep the stuff that can hurt others back and deal with it privately. Again this is the anger reflex, lash out, tell the world what a horrible person he/she is because they have done XYZ to you. You can’t take that back ever, sure you can delete the post but someone will have seen it, screen shot it and sent it on. These are the consequences of life on social media which is another reason why I have withdrawn from it all and life is just that little bit better.

This has been a long blog, I hope you are still with me, I don’t even know if this all makes sense and is useful to anyone. Still it’s my blog so I can write what I like. Just remember to take a moment in the heat of the moment and breathe, take and step back and find out what has really happened. I guarantee there is more to it maybe not that deep in some situation but in other it will be deeper than you know and maybe can deal with but give people a chance. It can lead to better understanding and relationships.

Si

The Mountain

So last week Sunday I climbed a mountain, Snowdon in Wales to be exact but it was so much more than just a mountain.

Don’t get me wrong it was fucking big mountain, 1085 metres of mountain and it was no easy task but I had my gear and my mate Twinny with me and we supported each other.

It starts with a steep tarmac road and that along knackers you out and it’s the first 15 minutes. A path then stretches far into the distance up the valley leading to a steep stone path that passes under the railway line and up and even more steeper and stoney path. This was by far the hardest physical bit but we pushed ourselves and got to the top. Sadly the clouds had come down and we walk across the top to the summit in mist and fog and bloody hell was it cold.

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We reached the summit in 2 hours and 45 minutes, 15 minutes faster than what Google had said so woo hoo!

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Half an hour break up the top to have a bite to eat. I thought better to carb loads so cheese and ham roll and flapjack, Twinny a Feta cheese salad and fruit. It made me laugh all that way and still on his diet.

The biggest challenge for me was walking down the dam thing, hard on the legs the steep bits were really hard on the knees and ankles. This is were the mental challenge comes in, not on the steep bits but the path back across the valley, you can see it reaching all the way back to Llanberis in the distance with it’s beautiful lake. The drive to push aching and painful muscles down that long winding path knowing exactly how far you have to go before you can rest is a killer. If you couldn’t see the path it would be easier as you just would keep going in ignorance and bliss.

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We made it back in 2 hour and 45 monies and I was pleased to be back on the flat and stable road of Llanberis. My muscles took days to recover but my god I climbed a fucking mountain, I did it. I was so very proud of myself for that.

But….

It was so much more than a mountain, I wasn’t coming off that mountain without finishing it, I think I would have died inside if I had come off that mountain without getting to the summit. Failure wasn’t an option. Why? This was the first test of a new life.

Since I split from my ex and he moved on a break neck speed into another relationship I have been left in pain and struggling to find me again. Who am I? What do I like? What is fun for me? I kind of went back to basics and I always remember that when I was a kid, when we would go places on holidays and days out, if me and Dad saw a mountain we would have to go and climb it just to see what was at the top of it. So I thought let’s go and climb Snowdon! It is closet to where I live and a friend wanted to do it as well, perfect so let’s go do it.

I put a lot on to this climb, testing a friendship with Twinny, we had never spent so long together and full 12 hours in the end and we didn’t shut up once. There was also the thought that if I can get my fat ass up and mountain and push myself on and up when I am relatively unfit and inexperienced I can do anything. I know that sounds so stupid and dumb but it has had significance to me. I literally thought if I can do this then I can do anything I put my mind to. I can get my head round having to live alone again, to have to find a new life and a new path to walk.

More mountains? For sure, Scafell Pike and Ben Nevis to go.

There are so many more challenges to come, divorce, selling and moving out of our home and starting again from scratch at 40. You might even be saying, ‘you don’t need to climb a mountain to do that you just need to man up’ and you are more than likely right. However, you know what, I did have to prove it, I needed to prove to myself that I can do these things, that nothing can stop me, I have the strength to push myself and I can achieve great things.

The week after the mountain has been crap and I ended up at work crying my eyes out thinking about all the crap that is still yet to come. I could sit here and go on and on about all the stuff in my mind, not wanting to leave my home or change my life, or thinking why can’t I just find another bloke like the ex did and then it will all be OK. Maybe that’s another blog for another day.

Today I wanted to reflect on the achievement of climbing a physical and mental mountain as I haven’t given myself much credit for it. I want to stick two fingers up at my self doubt and all those that doubt me, that hurt me and that have chosen to leave my path whether or good terms and bad. I can do this, I can climb mountains and fucking big ones at that. So I will sit here and finish this blog wth a smile on my face and a massive sense of achievement and promise that when the going gets tough I will picture myself at the summit, in the middle of the wind and rain knowing that I beat it.

Si