40 year old goes out and Christmas adventures.

So it has been a while since my last blog and I have been thinking about 3 different blogs to write over the festive period. So here I am trying to combine everything that has happened in the last few weeks into one probably immensely boring blog.

So a few weeks ago  I started going out and trying to be more sociable and get my confidence up. I have made some mates and been going out with them, I will change their names to protect their identity (not that anyone read this). Leon is a good mate to hang round and wants to be a fuck buddy but I have put him in the friends camp so that is off the table. Dayle is also a nice bloke and I won’t have a word said about him and we have hung out but he is a bit more of a scene queen that I am comfortable with. I have met their friends and its has been great to hang out and laugh. I have a mild social anxiety so it has been nice to go out and actually relax and chill.

Until the other week! Met up with Dayle and his mates and chilled but he was very flirty  and handsy which I was not overly comfortable with. Also met up with Leon and we all know each other. Got the feeling the Leon likes Dayle but Dayle likes me for some reason. There were glances around and looks that said ‘why are you talking to him, you should be with me and talking to me’. I might have been imagining this but it was feeding into my anxiety and I suddenly felt restless and worried. The hard work I had put in to relaxing myself undone in minutes. It was backed up later in the week when Dayle asked me a few times if me and Leon were seeing each other.

Why can’t people understand that it is OK to be single and I am happy as I am for now? Why is there some unwritten rule that a single gay man must be instantly taken out by the next man that flashes him the smallest hint of a smile.

So fast forward to this Saturday just gone, I decided I want a night out to celebrate the end of working for the Christmas break and I really didn’t want to be sat at home alone at the start of an 11 day period that I was worried about. I don’t do loneliness very well and it’s the first Christmas since me and the ex split up, after 10 years of huge joint family xmas’s this was going to be very different. The ex was with his new fella and his family so I was literally on my own on the run up and after. I seriously wished I could have cancelled my leave but it was too late.

I booked a hotel room and was determined to have a good night and not have to cut it short with last trains and all. Earlier in the day I glanced on Grindr and was chatting to someone in my past, Tony, had a bit of a conversation, mentioned I would be out and he said he would be as well. Another friend Matt said he would be out, I was hesitant with Matt as he I knew liked me and had previously had asked me out but at the time I was really not in the right frame of mind.

So there I was poised and ready to meet up with Leon and his mates and catch up with some of the people above. I was a bit too early so was sitting in a bar at the back and people watching when my pocket vibrated and Tony had messaged me through Grindr and we were only a few yards away from each other. He came over, we chatted, flirted and long story short, snogged each others face off. I don’t know what came over me, I have been so hesitant to be with anyone but this was something so different.

I had to leave to meet up with my other mates and Tony was out with his friend so we swapped numbers and told him to give me a shout before he went home. I hung out with Leon, had a bit of a giggle, had a drink with Matt and that was nice considering he is a biker as well. Saw Dayle but he was’t as warm as usual, Leon had told me he had asked if we were dating because we had been to the cinema together. Of course 2 gay men can’t just hangout, they obviously have to be sleeping together.

So the night was going well, then again a rumble in my pocket, Tony. Asking where I am, he comes to the bar I’m in. In-between I notice I had a missed call and a voicemail from Matt, telling me how much he likes me and wants to be mates and more but mates is ok. I am flattered but really not worthy of all this attention.

Then I see Tony, by the bar at the other side of the room, something inside me takes over. All I want to do is get over to him and as I stand before him I am intoxicated by him, intoxicated by his everything and before I know it I am millimetres away from him, saying hello, rubbing noses and move in for a fully reciprocated passionate kiss. I will spare you the details, he stayed with me and had a lovely night talking, sleeping in each others arms and remembering the past.

We now move on to Christmas Day, the day I was dreading, I was staying with my parents from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day but I knew I wouldn’t be in the best frame of minds. So there was I was lying in bed wishing I was alone and not having to go down the stairs where I knew my parents would be happy and jolly and trying to cheer me up. The worst thing in the world when you just want to disappear for the day. Downstairs I went passed some pleasantries and took up residence in my comfy recliner chair and started reading the news. There I saw that Sarah Millican had start a Twitter campaign for all those spending Christmas alone with the hashtag #joinin. The hardest thing for me is feeling alone in a room full of people, it is a hard one to explain but it is a killer to deal with. Maybe this could help, so I had a look.

I spent hours and hours on #joinin talking to people, reading their stories and trying to help them feel better about themselves. I shared my story and received some lovely messages from others in the same boat or worse. It really put things into perspective for me, others were in a far worse place and managing, what do I have to complain about. It was a humbling experience for me, I hope that my words might have helped others, I received a lot of positive responses. For me if I helped one person feel less alone then the whole day was worth it. This is social media at its best, this is also when the best of humanity can be seen and it is amazing. I will be joining in again next year.

The rest of the day was spent with my family having a different Christmas Day, it was subdued as my brother is struggling at the moment. The idea was had to play board games, something we haven’t done for a long time and it was brilliant. An old school Christmas Day with my family. Where were tears from us all as it has been a challenging year for us a family and the one thing we took away from the day was that we need to be around each other much more often. I love them all very deeply.

And finally….Boxing Day. This was a day I always spend doing nothing but eating and sleeping and watching films but I broke some many traditions…

  1. I wore outdoor clothes
  2. I showered
  3. I went outside
  4. I spoke to other people

…and it was all Tony’s fault. We had texted and we wanted to spend sometime before he went home to the deepest darkest ‘That There London’. So we spent the day talking, films, laughing, snogging and relaxing. Had a second Christmas lunch at the local pub and it was just so nice.

That brings us up to date.

So in summary, when did me, at the of 40 become a dick magnet? I am flattered but seriously I’m not all that. I must me maturing well into my looks. I haven’t even mentioned the hot South African bloke that tracked me down after a one night stand in a hotel room or the Dutch bloke from London. Xmas was expected to be hard going but it wasn’t and I am so pleased it wasn’t. Maybe there is a fella I want to spend some time with that can make me feel comfortable?

Who knows but I wasn’t expecting to be here, I was expecting to be at a Dr’s surgery begging for Anti-depressants and more Valium to get me through it.

I hope you all had a great xmas!

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Go….stop….pause…and go again.

So it has been a very long time since I blogged and I just don’t know why that is to be fair. Let me fill you in…

So the last time we spoke I had been a 2 dates and they weren’t going to be taken further, if I didn’t tell you that before well that’s some news for you, sorry to leave you hanging all this time. Dating took a back seat to be fair and I think that was a good choice as I decided to embark on a new adventure.

Go….So I have been at the mercy of public transport all my life near enough, never really learning to drive and to be fair that was mostly coming from a complete lack in interest in cars, driving and the whole costs and expense of it all. I have a free trains pass so that get to the places I need or want t get to so it’s always been fine. Add to that I have always had a fella that has had a car and driven me around to the places I have need to get to. As we know now this is at an end (I’ll come back to this).

So research time, what can I do, learn to drive a car, or something else. Is there a way I can be mobile at a much cheaper cost to my purse. Introducing Biker Si!

So I took my CBT within weeks of deciding this would be my course of actions. My reasoning being that bikes are cheaper, cost less to run, less to fuel and less to tax. The CBT I took over 2 days but this was not because of me, this was more to do with the person on the course with me lost the plot when we were out on the roads so we had to keep stopping. Trust me dear reader I made many mistakes, many a time I came to a stop on a cross junction and repeatedly stalled the bike. I even almost killed myself doing practice laps.

Needless to say having never driven in my life and it was all a lot to take in and get used to in such a short time frame. So next was the safety equipment. I researched and read all I could about the best and right gear that I could afford and plumped for leathers.

I think I look pretty good to be fair but fair more importantly I would be safe, well as safe and you can be. Fully lined with all the relevant protections. The helmet, boots and gloves followed. The next thing was to just go and buy the bike. I could only have a 125cc bike because I was on a provisional with only my CBT so far achieved. I decided to wait for the warmer weather of spring to take it further and gain my full licence and more powerful bike.

So with the bike bought (Yamaha YBR125) it came to the fateful day I had to pick it up. I was hoping for some clear skies and decent roads, I knew it would be cold but I couldn’t do much about that. The ex had offered to take me over and come back with me and keep behind me to stop any arsehole drivers killing me. So it began with a trip to the petrol station, £12 filled the tank. Woo Hoo! Of course the heavens open, rain, wind, hail, brimstone, it was like the apocalypse. Maybe I am exaggerating a little but trust me only a little. Apart from being in the outside lane of a dual carriageway doing 30 in a 60mph area and getting in the wrong lane on a few islands I survived the trip. I don’t think I have ever been so nervous about anything.

I was only more nervous about telling my Mum and Dad, my plan was just to ride over and surprise them and a couple of Thursdays ago that is just what I did. I battled through the rush hour traffic and pulled up on their drive in full gear. Knocked on the door and Dad opened, looking at me in full leathers deftly removing my helmet. I moved so he cold see the bike and he just laughed an called out “Marg” and the next thing mother is coming down the stairs saying that ‘it looked like Simon on that bike on the drive’. She saw me and for a second my heart stopped until a massively warm and proud smile crept across her face as she embraced me warmly and told me how proud she was of me. It was a great day.

So now I need to engage the flux capacitor.

Stop….pause….While all this was going on the ex had had a little bit of an episode and his head was pretty fucked. I am going to condense a huge amount of time into a short paragraph because I don’t want to dwell on it anymore. He basically was in turmoil and asked if I would consider trying again, to put back together our relationship. I told him, the new fella had to go, he need therapy and then we needed marriage guidance but I made it clear that I was 50/50 on the outcome and I don’t know if this was the right thing to do. So over the next 6 weeks I stopped and paused my life while we talked, spent time with each other and started to like each other again.

In the end it just wasn’t to be, we are 2 very different people from who we were 10 years earlier and we want very different things out of life. We vowed to stay very good friends, after all we still need to live together until I am in a position to be able to afford to move. Something I have been actively looking at for a few days now.

Go…again. So now I have my bike and freedom, I can live wherever I like now and I am not bound my location or trains etc. I am very proud of seeing if we can get together again, there was a lot of pain and we discussed it over and over again and maybe resolved somethings between us. He is still a good mate but he is no longer the man I will spend my life with. It is a tough thing to deal with but is very helpful with the closure and end that I need to start moving on.

And as if by magic this weekend just gone the universe placed someone on my path that made me feel good about myself. I may only have spent one night in a hotel room and I will never see the person again but I felt good, I felt attractive, I felt wanted and needed. I could lie on someone else’s chest and it didn’t feel like I was betraying anyone, I could be intimate with someone else in every way and not feel bad or awkward. It did me the world of good and felt the universe’s hand guiding me to that encounter. Right place and right time.

Now I start dating when the right opportunity arises. I make it all sound plain sailing and it is easy and I am happy. Far from it. I am making the best life I can with what I have. Do I get down, yes. Do I get lonely, painfully. Do I wish it was different, maybe but not as much. Life is scary and moving in to my own place as a single man is going to be really tough but I will do it and I will thrive.

See you all soon.

Si

Dating….when is it right?

So, as you know dear readers that I have and am going through a recent marriage break up after 10 years together. So the question I want to ask you lovely people is when it is right to start dating again? To chance being naked with someone else again? To be kissed and I mean really kissed in the most intimate way you can between 2 people? Be hugged and spooned by someone else?

There are varying thoughts I have been given by others over the last few weeks and months, some saying get back on the horse straight away, others saying wait until it feels right and some that say it should be years before you can even thinking about dating again.

You might even be thinking why I am asking this question? Well if you are a keen reader of my blog and lets face it, why would you be it’s so dull. However you will know that my ex has already moved and got his myself a new relationship with a new man  and I really don’t know how he has done that so quickly. How he has detached his feelings and emotions and how he can intimate with someone already and so soon.

I have tried, I was talking to this one guy off one of the apps and he is a really lovely guy, really lovely I won’t and can’t say a say word against him. He has been single for a while and he was looking for more than just a shag. That is how is started out a shag and it was good, I though nothing more of it than that. Let’s face it we all have itches to scratch and let’s be clear about intimacy, intimacy between lovers is far deeper and more intense than just a quick fuck. We went shopping one day and chilled out but even that started with a shag. I thought fuck buddies or friends with benefits maybe. I had been clear from the start that I was after nothing serious and he knew fully the situation even commenting that he didn’t want to be anyone rebound etc.

So movie night came around and the long story short I went round to chill and watch films and it was nice. We had some food, chatted and chilled. Then it happened, he started leaning in for kisses and rested his hand on my hand and stroked it. I was freaked out and little well and lot but I kept it all on the inside. I removed my hand under the pretence of scratching my eye brow or something. It happened again, so what do you do say something or not? I didn’t want to lead anyone on so I had to say something and of course it made him keep awkward and uncomfortable.

I spent the night in the spare on as was the plan and then I got the whole, come in for a spoon if you want. I mean I was clear and I didn’t want to have to be rude so I got dressed and went downstairs. He came down looking forlorn and I didn’t really know what to say and long story short he dropped me back at the train station and that was that. A text followed the next day him apologising and sorry that it was awkward. He had no reason to apologise, well, maybe a little. He wants something I can’t give. I mean the hand on my hand I just freaked a little. Only one person has done that for 10 years.

So it follows the question, when is the right time! Is it 6 months? 9 months? A year? Why can one half of this situation move on in a few weeks and I am struggling to get my head round it. Does that mean I am still lingering in the past? Am I processing?

Full disclosure here though. I do talk to people and as I get lonely so go on apps and chat to people. Human contact and with the intention of making friends, new friends but most I have met and have started to form friendships with then cross the line. Tell me they have feelings for me and I yet again have to have a conversation about not being ready for that despite them already knowing this. It is getting annoying. I take it as a great compliment to be fair but why can’t people respect the line.

So any help or guidance you can give.

In my mind I will get passed this and begin to put it all behind. Then one day maybe sooner rather than later I will meet a bloke that will change my world and make me happier than ever before. Am I fooling myself?

Si

A new day, brings reflections and lessons.

So my post from yesterday has bothered me as I wrote it when I was exhausted dealing with a mate that is struggling with life and to be fair I had to take some time yesterday. I hated saying that I needed some time to sleep and rest but I just couldn’t continue to take on someone elses stuff when I am not in the best state. 

At least after a good nights sleep I can sit and reflect on what has happened this weekend with objectivity and a sense of humour, something I was lacking in yesterday. I am a firm believer that a sense of humour is needed in all things in life simply because if you don’t laugh you may just fold and that would be that. I laugh at myself a lot and I laugh at what my life has become more and more. Don’t roll your eyes and say that can be destructive and harmful but to me it is a way of coping. 

My mate and his issues and trying to stop him killing himself was a big chunk of what went wrong this weekend, not only the night it happened but the negativity that flowed following it. As I said above I had to take some time yesterday to reset and centre. Had a few conversations on Sunday which really helped me out with Ginge and Mad Kat, to say I have the best friends is an understatement, they knew just what I needed and despite lying to one of them they still have my back. 

Lesson to learn 1 – Don’t give everything of yourself to others, keep something back for you. 

Now dear reader I want to go back to something you probably picked up, I lied to a friend, a friend that is amazing. Late on Friday me and Ginge were talking via text and he asked what I was up to the weekend and I embellished my plans when in reality I didn’t have all that many if any at all in reality. I think I may have even lied to you dear readers and worst of all, myself. 

Why did I feel the need to do that? I know why but can you guess? I don’t want people to feel sorry for Billy no mates, I don’t want to go round asking my friends for them to entertain me, when they have their own plans and lives to lead. Then there is the though I have that they are only doing it to be nice and they really don’t want to say yes and go anywhere with me, I think this because I don’t see myself as not worthy. I have been put straight in this by Ginge and Mad Kat. We now have plans to go camping and do stuff in the coming days and months.

Lesson to learn 2 – Don’t lie to your true friends, they won’t judge and will do all they can to help. 

Lesson to learn 3 – You are worthy and people really want to be around you. 

Sex – there I said it, shock horror, yes dear reader this might get a little be risqué. Don’t worry I won’t be explicit as no one wants to hear about a 39 years old gay and his sexual disasters. So to start I was talking to this guy who mistook me for someone else and a long story short we met up on Saturday lunchtime. I was thinking coffee and a chat and that’s that, he was a bit forward and confidant which is OK but in moderation. We needed up sitting in lay by with a McDonalds milkshake (not something I will be doing again, oh and I detected that fine dining for him was a Five Guys), talking about mostly him, he actually never asked a single question about me which was very very annoying. He dropped me back off at the train station and I headed into town and home. 

Feeling a little down I went to a gay bar for a quite drink and ended up in a guys hotel room not being satisfied and then going home feeling crap about myself and what I had done. Now that is bad enough but I ended up getting the guy I had met for the milkshake over in the middle of the night for a shag. This is where his confidence and buster about his love making was put to the test and I really don’t know why I asked him over, I knew I was never gonna see this guy again. Another very fucking long story short, it wasn’t great, I played my part I was shattered and tense but his rep was not deserved at all. Again felt really crap and very very cheap, that I had once again traded on my self respect to scratch an itch….I polished of a pack of biscuits to make me feel better about myself…it didn’t.

Lesson to learn 4 – Have some fucking self respect and love yourself, no ones gonna love you until you love yourself. 

Finally we come to my new friends or so called new friends. These are people have I been trying to cultivate new friendships with since the split, you know, people to hang out at the cinema with, coffees and drinks in the evening and so on. One of them is Badboi, he is lush, we have shagged in the past. I am a bit obsessed with him in all fairness, he is gorgeous and chased me for a while, always getting knocked back. He has been round a few times and we have watched some films and chilled but now I seem to be doing all the chasing and that is annoying. 

Another guy messaged me the other day saying be cool to have a cycle buddy and new friends and I though cool. I said I was in town and said if he wanted a coffee let me know. He said yeah and get back to me when he would be there. I was already in a coffee shop writing a blog for the other day, I never heard anything from him at all. I just sat there waiting again trading on my self worth, I did come to my senses and just thought to myself ‘Why am I just sitting here like a lemon’, I am not waiting around for everyone elses timetables to live my life they can get in mine if they want to be in it. 

Lesson to Learn 5 – Don’t put your life on hold for others, if they want to spend time with you they can come to you. 

Does that sound harsh, do any of the lessons? I have to protect myself and live the way I want to. 

Well I’m going to go and learn these lessons and start to try and value myself. My action plan for the week is as follows 

1. No texting the ‘new friends’ unless they text you for the week. 

2. Spend some time building up some self worth.

3. Be healthy, eat healthy and get some good sleep.

4. Make some plans for the future. 

Hope you have a great week dear readers! 

Si