Go….stop….pause…and go again.

So it has been a very long time since I blogged and I just don’t know why that is to be fair. Let me fill you in…

So the last time we spoke I had been a 2 dates and they weren’t going to be taken further, if I didn’t tell you that before well that’s some news for you, sorry to leave you hanging all this time. Dating took a back seat to be fair and I think that was a good choice as I decided to embark on a new adventure.

Go….So I have been at the mercy of public transport all my life near enough, never really learning to drive and to be fair that was mostly coming from a complete lack in interest in cars, driving and the whole costs and expense of it all. I have a free trains pass so that get to the places I need or want t get to so it’s always been fine. Add to that I have always had a fella that has had a car and driven me around to the places I have need to get to. As we know now this is at an end (I’ll come back to this).

So research time, what can I do, learn to drive a car, or something else. Is there a way I can be mobile at a much cheaper cost to my purse. Introducing Biker Si!

So I took my CBT within weeks of deciding this would be my course of actions. My reasoning being that bikes are cheaper, cost less to run, less to fuel and less to tax. The CBT I took over 2 days but this was not because of me, this was more to do with the person on the course with me lost the plot when we were out on the roads so we had to keep stopping. Trust me dear reader I made many mistakes, many a time I came to a stop on a cross junction and repeatedly stalled the bike. I even almost killed myself doing practice laps.

Needless to say having never driven in my life and it was all a lot to take in and get used to in such a short time frame. So next was the safety equipment. I researched and read all I could about the best and right gear that I could afford and plumped for leathers.

I think I look pretty good to be fair but fair more importantly I would be safe, well as safe and you can be. Fully lined with all the relevant protections. The helmet, boots and gloves followed. The next thing was to just go and buy the bike. I could only have a 125cc bike because I was on a provisional with only my CBT so far achieved. I decided to wait for the warmer weather of spring to take it further and gain my full licence and more powerful bike.

So with the bike bought (Yamaha YBR125) it came to the fateful day I had to pick it up. I was hoping for some clear skies and decent roads, I knew it would be cold but I couldn’t do much about that. The ex had offered to take me over and come back with me and keep behind me to stop any arsehole drivers killing me. So it began with a trip to the petrol station, £12 filled the tank. Woo Hoo! Of course the heavens open, rain, wind, hail, brimstone, it was like the apocalypse. Maybe I am exaggerating a little but trust me only a little. Apart from being in the outside lane of a dual carriageway doing 30 in a 60mph area and getting in the wrong lane on a few islands I survived the trip. I don’t think I have ever been so nervous about anything.

I was only more nervous about telling my Mum and Dad, my plan was just to ride over and surprise them and a couple of Thursdays ago that is just what I did. I battled through the rush hour traffic and pulled up on their drive in full gear. Knocked on the door and Dad opened, looking at me in full leathers deftly removing my helmet. I moved so he cold see the bike and he just laughed an called out “Marg” and the next thing mother is coming down the stairs saying that ‘it looked like Simon on that bike on the drive’. She saw me and for a second my heart stopped until a massively warm and proud smile crept across her face as she embraced me warmly and told me how proud she was of me. It was a great day.

So now I need to engage the flux capacitor.

Stop….pause….While all this was going on the ex had had a little bit of an episode and his head was pretty fucked. I am going to condense a huge amount of time into a short paragraph because I don’t want to dwell on it anymore. He basically was in turmoil and asked if I would consider trying again, to put back together our relationship. I told him, the new fella had to go, he need therapy and then we needed marriage guidance but I made it clear that I was 50/50 on the outcome and I don’t know if this was the right thing to do. So over the next 6 weeks I stopped and paused my life while we talked, spent time with each other and started to like each other again.

In the end it just wasn’t to be, we are 2 very different people from who we were 10 years earlier and we want very different things out of life. We vowed to stay very good friends, after all we still need to live together until I am in a position to be able to afford to move. Something I have been actively looking at for a few days now.

Go…again. So now I have my bike and freedom, I can live wherever I like now and I am not bound my location or trains etc. I am very proud of seeing if we can get together again, there was a lot of pain and we discussed it over and over again and maybe resolved somethings between us. He is still a good mate but he is no longer the man I will spend my life with. It is a tough thing to deal with but is very helpful with the closure and end that I need to start moving on.

And as if by magic this weekend just gone the universe placed someone on my path that made me feel good about myself. I may only have spent one night in a hotel room and I will never see the person again but I felt good, I felt attractive, I felt wanted and needed. I could lie on someone else’s chest and it didn’t feel like I was betraying anyone, I could be intimate with someone else in every way and not feel bad or awkward. It did me the world of good and felt the universe’s hand guiding me to that encounter. Right place and right time.

Now I start dating when the right opportunity arises. I make it all sound plain sailing and it is easy and I am happy. Far from it. I am making the best life I can with what I have. Do I get down, yes. Do I get lonely, painfully. Do I wish it was different, maybe but not as much. Life is scary and moving in to my own place as a single man is going to be really tough but I will do it and I will thrive.

See you all soon.

Si

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Dating….when is it right?

So, as you know dear readers that I have and am going through a recent marriage break up after 10 years together. So the question I want to ask you lovely people is when it is right to start dating again? To chance being naked with someone else again? To be kissed and I mean really kissed in the most intimate way you can between 2 people? Be hugged and spooned by someone else?

There are varying thoughts I have been given by others over the last few weeks and months, some saying get back on the horse straight away, others saying wait until it feels right and some that say it should be years before you can even thinking about dating again.

You might even be thinking why I am asking this question? Well if you are a keen reader of my blog and lets face it, why would you be it’s so dull. However you will know that my ex has already moved and got his myself a new relationship with a new man  and I really don’t know how he has done that so quickly. How he has detached his feelings and emotions and how he can intimate with someone already and so soon.

I have tried, I was talking to this one guy off one of the apps and he is a really lovely guy, really lovely I won’t and can’t say a say word against him. He has been single for a while and he was looking for more than just a shag. That is how is started out a shag and it was good, I though nothing more of it than that. Let’s face it we all have itches to scratch and let’s be clear about intimacy, intimacy between lovers is far deeper and more intense than just a quick fuck. We went shopping one day and chilled out but even that started with a shag. I thought fuck buddies or friends with benefits maybe. I had been clear from the start that I was after nothing serious and he knew fully the situation even commenting that he didn’t want to be anyone rebound etc.

So movie night came around and the long story short I went round to chill and watch films and it was nice. We had some food, chatted and chilled. Then it happened, he started leaning in for kisses and rested his hand on my hand and stroked it. I was freaked out and little well and lot but I kept it all on the inside. I removed my hand under the pretence of scratching my eye brow or something. It happened again, so what do you do say something or not? I didn’t want to lead anyone on so I had to say something and of course it made him keep awkward and uncomfortable.

I spent the night in the spare on as was the plan and then I got the whole, come in for a spoon if you want. I mean I was clear and I didn’t want to have to be rude so I got dressed and went downstairs. He came down looking forlorn and I didn’t really know what to say and long story short he dropped me back at the train station and that was that. A text followed the next day him apologising and sorry that it was awkward. He had no reason to apologise, well, maybe a little. He wants something I can’t give. I mean the hand on my hand I just freaked a little. Only one person has done that for 10 years.

So it follows the question, when is the right time! Is it 6 months? 9 months? A year? Why can one half of this situation move on in a few weeks and I am struggling to get my head round it. Does that mean I am still lingering in the past? Am I processing?

Full disclosure here though. I do talk to people and as I get lonely so go on apps and chat to people. Human contact and with the intention of making friends, new friends but most I have met and have started to form friendships with then cross the line. Tell me they have feelings for me and I yet again have to have a conversation about not being ready for that despite them already knowing this. It is getting annoying. I take it as a great compliment to be fair but why can’t people respect the line.

So any help or guidance you can give.

In my mind I will get passed this and begin to put it all behind. Then one day maybe sooner rather than later I will meet a bloke that will change my world and make me happier than ever before. Am I fooling myself?

Si

The Blame Game… you can’t win!

So dear reader as you know my marriage and relationship of ten years recently went down the crapper, see how I’m using humour now to get me through all the crap. Well lots of things get thrown around during these times. You did this, you could have done that, I did this and should have done that and so on. It hurts. It is painful and it sometimes isn’t helpful.

You’ll notice I said sometimes because I think it can be the most helpful thing to do.

Blame for blame sake, to make you feel better and try to score points against the other party isn’t very constructive or helpful. You can score a few points, make the other person feel bad and yourself better but take it from me it doesn’t last that long…so it really isn’t worth it.

I good blow out equal from both sides is however very good. I have had two such sessions with the ex and they have been very very useful to me. The first helped me get passed the whole ‘I’ve got a new fella’ thing and the second was more for the ex’s benefit but I had my say about a few things and both conversations/rows were helpful. I’m not going to go into details are these are personal things that exist between me and him.

One thing I will always say is that the relationship demise and ending was a 50/50 thing, I am to blame and he is to blame for certain things. I always think it was more me than him but that is just me and the way I am. I know and state for all eternity and enter it up to the universe and on this blog that no one reads, the relationship ended and it was right that it did and it was 50/50 on both parties. I accept this as fact and will spend no more time dwelling on this part of my past.

However, when it comes to blame the lines can get blurred by perception. Other peoples and our own. My perception on the whole thing is that he was such a nice guy then it must have been me that was in the wrong so I must be to blame. Taking a step back and understanding the facts and feelings behind things does tend to bring things back into focus. It is hard to truly understand feelings, after all feelings are very different from one person to the next. My feelings of anxiety and stress are at an extreme end of the scale as I have an anxiety disorder but a friend is so laid back and chilled in all aspects of life that his perception on anxiety is completely different. So how do you understand someone else’s emotion?

It is very difficult but just listen and take what they say at face value, if it someone you trust and know then this is easy but maybe for a stranger it is harder. Don’t just hear what they are saying, listen to them. To the way they form their words, say them and the pauses between them as they compose and think about the next sentence. Watch them, their body language, hands and gestures. Look them in the eye, as difficult as that may be and see what the whole message is. You may not get it totally but you might just pick up a few things that will hint towards the truth they are feeling.

Facts are easy they are the names, dates and situations but combine the facts and the feelings and what you thought was a truth has become blurred and you have to try and refocus the scene with the new information (feelings) that have come to light. It can the difference between ‘You are to blame for ruining my night out and you did it on purpose’ to ‘I played a part in that night and I didn’t understand just how hard that night was for you and maybe should have done things differently’. It’s never as clear cut as you think to just call someone out and tell them they are to blame for the situation/event. Even in the simplest of cases you still need to know what is behind the scenes.

It is sad that people do this but it is nature and understandable, I am sure friendships have been damaged or lost, relationships ruined or seriously eroded because of this. We all know what it is like in the heat of that moment, anger is coursing through your mind, adrenaline and cortisol pumping through your body looking thinking about whatever situation has unfolded and you want to lash out, to make someone hurt as much as you are hurting. It is the hardest thing in the world to bring yourself back from that but maybe just think, deep breathes, pause and wait for the adrenaline and cortisol to leave your system. Again I know just how impossible that can seem but you can do it, channel it to somewhere else, to something else. Breathe. Or at least walk away and calm down before being constructive.

The conversation I have had with the ex had been at first in the heat of the moment and things have been said that were not helpful. We realised that this wasn’t the time or the place for such conversation and agree and time we will both be around to in a safe place and time to talk these things through.

Other people perceptions those on the outside looking in are very different things, those not connected to the situation directly, those on social media, if you live you life online. These people will really never know the truth in the facts and feelings, they only see what you tell them and what they themselves can see. So these people make their minds and judgements up on what they have in front of them, what pictures and post from social media and the gossip they have heard. Blame or judgements are thrown around and they maybe less hurtful as these aren’t the closest of friends but if enough of these ‘friends’ make the wrong judgements and start gossiping and trading their opinions with others it can be damaging. It can even be perceived as if the other party in the row has been spreading things to their friends etc when this is not the case.

What you do about this….simple don’t live you entire life on social media….ironic that I am writing this on a blog? You don’t have to give it up but you don’t have to air your dirty linen in public, keep the stuff that can hurt others back and deal with it privately. Again this is the anger reflex, lash out, tell the world what a horrible person he/she is because they have done XYZ to you. You can’t take that back ever, sure you can delete the post but someone will have seen it, screen shot it and sent it on. These are the consequences of life on social media which is another reason why I have withdrawn from it all and life is just that little bit better.

This has been a long blog, I hope you are still with me, I don’t even know if this all makes sense and is useful to anyone. Still it’s my blog so I can write what I like. Just remember to take a moment in the heat of the moment and breathe, take and step back and find out what has really happened. I guarantee there is more to it maybe not that deep in some situation but in other it will be deeper than you know and maybe can deal with but give people a chance. It can lead to better understanding and relationships.

Si

The Mountain

So last week Sunday I climbed a mountain, Snowdon in Wales to be exact but it was so much more than just a mountain.

Don’t get me wrong it was fucking big mountain, 1085 metres of mountain and it was no easy task but I had my gear and my mate Twinny with me and we supported each other.

It starts with a steep tarmac road and that along knackers you out and it’s the first 15 minutes. A path then stretches far into the distance up the valley leading to a steep stone path that passes under the railway line and up and even more steeper and stoney path. This was by far the hardest physical bit but we pushed ourselves and got to the top. Sadly the clouds had come down and we walk across the top to the summit in mist and fog and bloody hell was it cold.

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We reached the summit in 2 hours and 45 minutes, 15 minutes faster than what Google had said so woo hoo!

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Half an hour break up the top to have a bite to eat. I thought better to carb loads so cheese and ham roll and flapjack, Twinny a Feta cheese salad and fruit. It made me laugh all that way and still on his diet.

The biggest challenge for me was walking down the dam thing, hard on the legs the steep bits were really hard on the knees and ankles. This is were the mental challenge comes in, not on the steep bits but the path back across the valley, you can see it reaching all the way back to Llanberis in the distance with it’s beautiful lake. The drive to push aching and painful muscles down that long winding path knowing exactly how far you have to go before you can rest is a killer. If you couldn’t see the path it would be easier as you just would keep going in ignorance and bliss.

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We made it back in 2 hour and 45 monies and I was pleased to be back on the flat and stable road of Llanberis. My muscles took days to recover but my god I climbed a fucking mountain, I did it. I was so very proud of myself for that.

But….

It was so much more than a mountain, I wasn’t coming off that mountain without finishing it, I think I would have died inside if I had come off that mountain without getting to the summit. Failure wasn’t an option. Why? This was the first test of a new life.

Since I split from my ex and he moved on a break neck speed into another relationship I have been left in pain and struggling to find me again. Who am I? What do I like? What is fun for me? I kind of went back to basics and I always remember that when I was a kid, when we would go places on holidays and days out, if me and Dad saw a mountain we would have to go and climb it just to see what was at the top of it. So I thought let’s go and climb Snowdon! It is closet to where I live and a friend wanted to do it as well, perfect so let’s go do it.

I put a lot on to this climb, testing a friendship with Twinny, we had never spent so long together and full 12 hours in the end and we didn’t shut up once. There was also the thought that if I can get my fat ass up and mountain and push myself on and up when I am relatively unfit and inexperienced I can do anything. I know that sounds so stupid and dumb but it has had significance to me. I literally thought if I can do this then I can do anything I put my mind to. I can get my head round having to live alone again, to have to find a new life and a new path to walk.

More mountains? For sure, Scafell Pike and Ben Nevis to go.

There are so many more challenges to come, divorce, selling and moving out of our home and starting again from scratch at 40. You might even be saying, ‘you don’t need to climb a mountain to do that you just need to man up’ and you are more than likely right. However, you know what, I did have to prove it, I needed to prove to myself that I can do these things, that nothing can stop me, I have the strength to push myself and I can achieve great things.

The week after the mountain has been crap and I ended up at work crying my eyes out thinking about all the crap that is still yet to come. I could sit here and go on and on about all the stuff in my mind, not wanting to leave my home or change my life, or thinking why can’t I just find another bloke like the ex did and then it will all be OK. Maybe that’s another blog for another day.

Today I wanted to reflect on the achievement of climbing a physical and mental mountain as I haven’t given myself much credit for it. I want to stick two fingers up at my self doubt and all those that doubt me, that hurt me and that have chosen to leave my path whether or good terms and bad. I can do this, I can climb mountains and fucking big ones at that. So I will sit here and finish this blog wth a smile on my face and a massive sense of achievement and promise that when the going gets tough I will picture myself at the summit, in the middle of the wind and rain knowing that I beat it.

Si

The beginning of the end.

So it's been a while since I blogged and I feel that a lot has happened and I have had some set backs but also made some progress, well enough to warrant me rambling on again.

So a few weeks ago it was mine and the ex's 40th Birthday celebration. It was a joint do as we are both 40 within a week of each other. As we had split up I decided not to go especially as the ex was taking his new fella. Some of you are probably thinking that's a bit insensitive, some of you are probably thinking the party should have been cancelled and if he still wanted a party he should have made alternate arrangements. The ex thinks practically and not emotionally so didn't see the emotional attachment to that day and evening for me. The feeling was I was lifted out of the evening and my replacement was parachuted in.

To be fair I knew this was gonna happen and maybe I should have been insistent that the night be cancelled. I'll take my part in that.

That day I was at work in the morning and had planned to go to the cinema and have some food in the evening with a friend. Sadly that friend cancelled without really telling me seeing her do something else with someone else on Facebook and it pretty much threw me into an angry state of being. It had been pretty much brewing for a few days and this was just the beginning of the spiral and into anger and maybe not expressing as best as I could but my god it had to come out of me, there was no way I was going to internalise it.

So via a text message conversation about which cinema I was going to so the ex and the replacement didn't go to the same one. I told him my plans had been cancelled and long story short he said I could join them for the evening if I wanted to and should come along. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

That really tipped my over the edge, thankfully Mama Africa came the rescue and took me out for a walk to clear my head and calm me down. So my plan was then to just go home, take a Valium and go to sleep but during the walk from the train station I descended to the darkest of places.

Thinking or rather knowing I had been replaced and forgotten about and let down and hurt by a friend, I knew that I was in a destructive place. I got home and got my pills. I had 122 antidepressants left from my last breakdown and I had always kept them.

I knew I didn't want to do it but I was terrified, more than I had ever been and I text the one person I knew that would get me out of the this, Sar, the problem was she was out at the birthday party. I didn't want to burden Mama Africa further she had been so good already and didn't know what to do. Sar got me through the last one and talked me down, I just wants thinking.

I didn't call I just text and between her and another friend Kat who just happened to text me they got me down. At the time I didn't know that Sar had showed another friend at the party the messages and the ex had found out as the two friends had had a row. I assumed Sar had kept everything to herself maybe that was naive of me considering there was drink flowing.

I came round and all was….I want say OK….but that isn't true I wasn't. Mama Africa came round again on Sunday and she took my pills and flushed them. I sent apology emails to the 2 people at the party and while Sar got back to me and has been fine with me since. One hasn't not and I got a message telling me that my actions were vile and he needed a break from it all. (I have been accused on numerous occasions of bring them into them situation but factually I haven't, I leave that one at the ex's door).

Vile….that word stuck in my mind for days and caused a further crisis enough to make me go to doctor and ask about be sectioned but the doctor was horrendous and I wish I hadn't gone at all. My counsellor was good but still I was stuck on 'vile'. You know if I had really wanted to ruin that night I could have just turned up and had a slanging match with the ex.

Also would you really send that message to someone who had been in crisis the day before, I can understand the anger I really can, considering the person in question has also had similar crisis' I would have expected some thing less damaging. I regret my actions and the distress I caused and look forward to talking it through one day with him.

I'm not writing this to assign blame to anyone but having said that there was blame enough being sent my way for the and I quote 'ruining the whole evening'. I'll take the blame of questionable judgement in texting Sar and causing concern but when in crisis you don't exactly think straight. I'll take on the fact that I need to make amends for my actions. I may have lost a good friend through it which I will have to live with and the repercussions of my actions that night for a long time to come.

Me and the ex had a chat about it and made our peace and I said that he had no idea how much anger there is inside to get out. He was away and said we should talk when he got back.

This is the moment it all started to change. We had the conversation and I said everything that I wanted to say, knowing it would hurt and cause upset but I needed to see that, not in some vengeance thing but to see if I meant anything to him at all as I was replaced so quickly and with ease. What was said will always remain between us but I saw tears and I saw pain. I needed that.

It's time to move on.

That was a couple of weeks ago now, my 40th birthday passed by quietly and maybe I wasn't happy with it so I have resolved to have a big party next year to do it justice. I had a great day out with Mama Africa, Mad Kat and Twinny and I think I spent the whole day laughing which is just what I needed.

I've even had a night out with friends, that may not seem very much or big but, dear readers, it fucking well is for me with social anxiety. Lol. In fact the night lasted till 5am and was a giggle, even saw someone who hates me very much that I had been dreading. There was no ex safety blanket so I thought 'Fuck it, I've got as much right to be here and if you want to waste your night glaring at me then go right ahead'. May not seem much but a confidence boost for me.

So an eventful few weeks, there are some things I deeply regret and will have to live with the consequences but there were some mini mountains climbed.

I sit here on a train writing this blog and there is a genuine feeling of happiness and excitement for the future. Still some big hurdles to come and still some anxiety over some lost friendships. However I know I will be alright and I have a life to live which is gonna be full of fun and laughs. One thing I take from the last few months is just how wonderful my friends have been. Some truly lovely things have been said about me and why people like to be around me. I am very humbled and very honoured.

I am also meeting a man for a coffee on Tuesday. Eek! Too soon, is it? What's the time frame? Surely if it feels right?

First and foremost, climbing Snowdon tomorrow with Twinny.

Si

Confused and conflicted 

Hello! 
So today I write in a place of some confusion.

Yesterday my recently ex husband/partner asked if I was in after work and be free for a chat. This can really only really one thing dear reader, bad news is coming. What else can you do but Si and wait for it, so that it what I did. Watching Eastenders and Holby from the previous day, eating the wrong foods and doughnuts. 

In he comes, there is a general chat about how everything is going as we are still living together and as it was an amicable split up we are both happy with the arrangements. I confess that I am in no rush to live alone as I still need to save up some money before I can go but I like where I live and it is working so i’m sticking with it.

We talked about all the stuff going on for us and giggle and laugh and I tell him what has been happening with my friend. We go over the faults in our relationship and re-enforce that we are happier now and discuss some of the things that might have saved it but in the long run it is done now and we deal with what is happening now. 

Then he tells me, he says it and for a second I am surprised. Then the logical part of my brain kicks and says “Of course he is”. He has been dating someone for the last 4 weeks, it has only been 2 months since we split up. He has been spending a lot of time in Northampton with old friends and he met someone he liked, they slept together at Pride and have been on a few dates with this person. I sit and absorb, the feelings hit, jealously (why is he first?), anger (it’s been a few weeks, it’s too soon), intrigue (is he thinner than me? Better looking than me?). Thank god I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow I think, which is where I am off to now, will continue this when I get home……..

………So I am back home now and after a difficult session and even more difficult conversation with the ex when I got home I am confused and conflicted but I am OK. 

So the only question I keep coming back to is, ‘I can’t have been that hard to get over’, which my is where I am stuck so I called him out on it. It wasn’t easy, he said it was terrible timing and that he is not fully over what happened between us but it was there, he agonised over it and decided not to let an opportunity pass by. I know he is further down the line, he knew and I did if I am honest, that our relationship was over a long time before so he reconciled it in his mind where I am still struggling. Not that I am letting him off the hook, it still hurts and I feel that I am essay to get over after 10 years but again would I have done the same thing if our positions were reversed. 

Confusing and conflicted. I wish him well and hope to have a very special friendship for many years to come but for now, I need time to process and think. 

What I do now is in my hands, do I let it overwhelm me and get stuck or do I process, accept and move on wishing him well? 

Advice and guidance?

Si

A new day, brings reflections and lessons.

So my post from yesterday has bothered me as I wrote it when I was exhausted dealing with a mate that is struggling with life and to be fair I had to take some time yesterday. I hated saying that I needed some time to sleep and rest but I just couldn’t continue to take on someone elses stuff when I am not in the best state. 

At least after a good nights sleep I can sit and reflect on what has happened this weekend with objectivity and a sense of humour, something I was lacking in yesterday. I am a firm believer that a sense of humour is needed in all things in life simply because if you don’t laugh you may just fold and that would be that. I laugh at myself a lot and I laugh at what my life has become more and more. Don’t roll your eyes and say that can be destructive and harmful but to me it is a way of coping. 

My mate and his issues and trying to stop him killing himself was a big chunk of what went wrong this weekend, not only the night it happened but the negativity that flowed following it. As I said above I had to take some time yesterday to reset and centre. Had a few conversations on Sunday which really helped me out with Ginge and Mad Kat, to say I have the best friends is an understatement, they knew just what I needed and despite lying to one of them they still have my back. 

Lesson to learn 1 – Don’t give everything of yourself to others, keep something back for you. 

Now dear reader I want to go back to something you probably picked up, I lied to a friend, a friend that is amazing. Late on Friday me and Ginge were talking via text and he asked what I was up to the weekend and I embellished my plans when in reality I didn’t have all that many if any at all in reality. I think I may have even lied to you dear readers and worst of all, myself. 

Why did I feel the need to do that? I know why but can you guess? I don’t want people to feel sorry for Billy no mates, I don’t want to go round asking my friends for them to entertain me, when they have their own plans and lives to lead. Then there is the though I have that they are only doing it to be nice and they really don’t want to say yes and go anywhere with me, I think this because I don’t see myself as not worthy. I have been put straight in this by Ginge and Mad Kat. We now have plans to go camping and do stuff in the coming days and months.

Lesson to learn 2 – Don’t lie to your true friends, they won’t judge and will do all they can to help. 

Lesson to learn 3 – You are worthy and people really want to be around you. 

Sex – there I said it, shock horror, yes dear reader this might get a little be risqué. Don’t worry I won’t be explicit as no one wants to hear about a 39 years old gay and his sexual disasters. So to start I was talking to this guy who mistook me for someone else and a long story short we met up on Saturday lunchtime. I was thinking coffee and a chat and that’s that, he was a bit forward and confidant which is OK but in moderation. We needed up sitting in lay by with a McDonalds milkshake (not something I will be doing again, oh and I detected that fine dining for him was a Five Guys), talking about mostly him, he actually never asked a single question about me which was very very annoying. He dropped me back off at the train station and I headed into town and home. 

Feeling a little down I went to a gay bar for a quite drink and ended up in a guys hotel room not being satisfied and then going home feeling crap about myself and what I had done. Now that is bad enough but I ended up getting the guy I had met for the milkshake over in the middle of the night for a shag. This is where his confidence and buster about his love making was put to the test and I really don’t know why I asked him over, I knew I was never gonna see this guy again. Another very fucking long story short, it wasn’t great, I played my part I was shattered and tense but his rep was not deserved at all. Again felt really crap and very very cheap, that I had once again traded on my self respect to scratch an itch….I polished of a pack of biscuits to make me feel better about myself…it didn’t.

Lesson to learn 4 – Have some fucking self respect and love yourself, no ones gonna love you until you love yourself. 

Finally we come to my new friends or so called new friends. These are people have I been trying to cultivate new friendships with since the split, you know, people to hang out at the cinema with, coffees and drinks in the evening and so on. One of them is Badboi, he is lush, we have shagged in the past. I am a bit obsessed with him in all fairness, he is gorgeous and chased me for a while, always getting knocked back. He has been round a few times and we have watched some films and chilled but now I seem to be doing all the chasing and that is annoying. 

Another guy messaged me the other day saying be cool to have a cycle buddy and new friends and I though cool. I said I was in town and said if he wanted a coffee let me know. He said yeah and get back to me when he would be there. I was already in a coffee shop writing a blog for the other day, I never heard anything from him at all. I just sat there waiting again trading on my self worth, I did come to my senses and just thought to myself ‘Why am I just sitting here like a lemon’, I am not waiting around for everyone elses timetables to live my life they can get in mine if they want to be in it. 

Lesson to Learn 5 – Don’t put your life on hold for others, if they want to spend time with you they can come to you. 

Does that sound harsh, do any of the lessons? I have to protect myself and live the way I want to. 

Well I’m going to go and learn these lessons and start to try and value myself. My action plan for the week is as follows 

1. No texting the ‘new friends’ unless they text you for the week. 

2. Spend some time building up some self worth.

3. Be healthy, eat healthy and get some good sleep.

4. Make some plans for the future. 

Hope you have a great week dear readers! 

Si