So my post from yesterday has bothered me as I wrote it when I was exhausted dealing with a mate that is struggling with life and to be fair I had to take some time yesterday. I hated saying that I needed some time to sleep and rest but I just couldn’t continue to take on someone elses stuff when I am not in the best state.
At least after a good nights sleep I can sit and reflect on what has happened this weekend with objectivity and a sense of humour, something I was lacking in yesterday. I am a firm believer that a sense of humour is needed in all things in life simply because if you don’t laugh you may just fold and that would be that. I laugh at myself a lot and I laugh at what my life has become more and more. Don’t roll your eyes and say that can be destructive and harmful but to me it is a way of coping.
My mate and his issues and trying to stop him killing himself was a big chunk of what went wrong this weekend, not only the night it happened but the negativity that flowed following it. As I said above I had to take some time yesterday to reset and centre. Had a few conversations on Sunday which really helped me out with Ginge and Mad Kat, to say I have the best friends is an understatement, they knew just what I needed and despite lying to one of them they still have my back.
Lesson to learn 1 – Don’t give everything of yourself to others, keep something back for you.
Now dear reader I want to go back to something you probably picked up, I lied to a friend, a friend that is amazing. Late on Friday me and Ginge were talking via text and he asked what I was up to the weekend and I embellished my plans when in reality I didn’t have all that many if any at all in reality. I think I may have even lied to you dear readers and worst of all, myself.
Why did I feel the need to do that? I know why but can you guess? I don’t want people to feel sorry for Billy no mates, I don’t want to go round asking my friends for them to entertain me, when they have their own plans and lives to lead. Then there is the though I have that they are only doing it to be nice and they really don’t want to say yes and go anywhere with me, I think this because I don’t see myself as not worthy. I have been put straight in this by Ginge and Mad Kat. We now have plans to go camping and do stuff in the coming days and months.
Lesson to learn 2 – Don’t lie to your true friends, they won’t judge and will do all they can to help.
Lesson to learn 3 – You are worthy and people really want to be around you.
Sex – there I said it, shock horror, yes dear reader this might get a little be risqué. Don’t worry I won’t be explicit as no one wants to hear about a 39 years old gay and his sexual disasters. So to start I was talking to this guy who mistook me for someone else and a long story short we met up on Saturday lunchtime. I was thinking coffee and a chat and that’s that, he was a bit forward and confidant which is OK but in moderation. We needed up sitting in lay by with a McDonalds milkshake (not something I will be doing again, oh and I detected that fine dining for him was a Five Guys), talking about mostly him, he actually never asked a single question about me which was very very annoying. He dropped me back off at the train station and I headed into town and home.
Feeling a little down I went to a gay bar for a quite drink and ended up in a guys hotel room not being satisfied and then going home feeling crap about myself and what I had done. Now that is bad enough but I ended up getting the guy I had met for the milkshake over in the middle of the night for a shag. This is where his confidence and buster about his love making was put to the test and I really don’t know why I asked him over, I knew I was never gonna see this guy again. Another very fucking long story short, it wasn’t great, I played my part I was shattered and tense but his rep was not deserved at all. Again felt really crap and very very cheap, that I had once again traded on my self respect to scratch an itch….I polished of a pack of biscuits to make me feel better about myself…it didn’t.
Lesson to learn 4 – Have some fucking self respect and love yourself, no ones gonna love you until you love yourself.
Finally we come to my new friends or so called new friends. These are people have I been trying to cultivate new friendships with since the split, you know, people to hang out at the cinema with, coffees and drinks in the evening and so on. One of them is Badboi, he is lush, we have shagged in the past. I am a bit obsessed with him in all fairness, he is gorgeous and chased me for a while, always getting knocked back. He has been round a few times and we have watched some films and chilled but now I seem to be doing all the chasing and that is annoying.
Another guy messaged me the other day saying be cool to have a cycle buddy and new friends and I though cool. I said I was in town and said if he wanted a coffee let me know. He said yeah and get back to me when he would be there. I was already in a coffee shop writing a blog for the other day, I never heard anything from him at all. I just sat there waiting again trading on my self worth, I did come to my senses and just thought to myself ‘Why am I just sitting here like a lemon’, I am not waiting around for everyone elses timetables to live my life they can get in mine if they want to be in it.
Lesson to Learn 5 – Don’t put your life on hold for others, if they want to spend time with you they can come to you.
Does that sound harsh, do any of the lessons? I have to protect myself and live the way I want to.
Well I’m going to go and learn these lessons and start to try and value myself. My action plan for the week is as follows
1. No texting the ‘new friends’ unless they text you for the week.
2. Spend some time building up some self worth.
3. Be healthy, eat healthy and get some good sleep.
4. Make some plans for the future.
Hope you have a great week dear readers!