It is a rather wet morning, I have decided to use my 4 hours commuting time to blog. The last blog I wrote had a deep impact on me as I was positive about myself, something I don’t do that often.
I had a text conversation with….I don’t know what to call him. The labels part of the title coming in earlier than I had thought it would. Why does everything have to have a label? Well I know why, it is to make us comfortable with whatever it is, so it fits into a box and we can recognise and deal with it. We all do it, I am terrible for it.
What I would like to do is be able to just go with the flow and all but I find myself having to give something a label. So, I am going to make a concerted effort to not label anything for the rest of the week and….you guessed it, go with the flow. I’ll let you know how I get on.
Going back to the previous, I suppose Mr TA and I are hanging out, dating is too stronger word…yes, hanging out is the best word that I can think of. Any way we have this text conversation chewing the cud etc and then we get to the interesting bit.
Earlier in the day I had been asked to consider what I want to do career wise. Some background, I am currently on a secondment in a Project Team in the IT department. To be fair and honest I dam well love it. I get to use my brain and challenge myself. It feeds in to my favourite way of working. ‘Si, here is problem X, you have until date Y to get it solved, Go!’ Perfect for me, hate being micro managed and like to left to get it done. I like the team as well, we have a laugh and get through the hard work with laughter and support from each other. Do I want to go back to my old job? Hell no!
So me Mr TA, i’m ‘hanging out’ with seem to be in similar positions. At varying distances down the recovery-from-failed-relationship-path but facing the whole of our respective lives and a lot of choices coming our way. I mentioned that I have been guilty of thinking too far in the future and worrying about my retirement and not living in the here and now, the here and now is pretty brilliant for the most part, living conditions exempted obvs. He says something negative which is very unlike him and I caught myself surprised to be honest but reminded him where he is now is where he needs to be and that he has choices as well all do. This leads me on to think more about the choices facing me.
What do I want? I think it is pretty clear cut at the moment. However, the job is in London, I am based in the Midlands and I have a 4 hour commute. I have gotten used to this so it is OK. This then leads on to my current situation with the ex-husband. I am being bought out of my flat this month and will be moving out. Whether I am renting or buying is a huge choice in itself and I am really on the fence with this one.
Renting, easy and quick to move, no commitment but can be a lot more expensive than a mortgage. Buying, takes longer but gives ultimate stability and is cheaper than renting. I can afford something half decent in OK areas but not as close as I want to be to my old work or the secondment. Then for some reason my brain flicks to the future and what I want to do. If a job does come out of this secondment it will be London. Mr TA lives in London. Buying is still an option as I can rent it out but renting will make me more flexible. What to do?
Do I even want to put myself forward and take on a career, I tried that once before and got seriously hurt and let down and it took me a long time to recover from it. My own insecurities will keep on the fence on this one but I have to say (steady your self reader, positivity in bound) I am doing dam well in this job, I have excelled and pushed myself way out of my comfort zone. In the early days I was struggling with all the self doubt and almost gave in to it but I pushed and the reward was so worth it.
Here I am at the age of 40 with what seems like an almost clean slate and the whole of my future ahead of me and totally in my hands. Part of me is excited and part of me is scared and afraid, which I think is normal, I think it wouldn’t be normal to have some sort of fear. I suppose the biggest fear is making the wrong decisions but I think that is life, you have to try don’t you.
The end of marriage, whilst the worst thing I have ever been through, has led me to this moment in my life. The realisation hit me a few minutes ago as we pulled out of Coventry, this is when it all changes. A tear welled in my eye and I had to hold myself and I don’t know why? Was it because it was the end of an era of my life? Or that I will soon move out of the home I had with my Ex? Fear for the future? I think it was a mix of sadness, release, relief and hope. A moment of clarity as watched the rain run down the window of the train, feeling the tear roll down my cheek.
If I don’t put myself out there and at least try I never will, I will continue being alone and very unsatisfied in all areas of my life. Do I want Mr TA in my life? I think I do but am happy for it to be nice, slow and steady as we both need it to be, it’s not all my choice and I don’t know what he wants but I’m along for the ride if nothing else (no labels lol).
The option of sad, lonely and miserable is not one I want to take. There is a better way to live and I have been given a second chance and I am going to dam well take it as best I can. The 40 years for good, the next 40 are going to fucking amazing!
Have an amazing day!