Choices and Labels

Good Morning!

It is a rather wet morning, I have decided to use my 4 hours commuting time to blog. The last blog I wrote had a deep impact on me as I was positive about myself, something I don’t do that often.

I had a text conversation with….I don’t know what to call him. The labels part of the title coming in earlier than I had thought it would. Why does everything have to have a label? Well I know why, it is to make us comfortable with whatever it is, so it fits into a box and we can recognise and deal with it. We all do it, I am terrible for it.

What I would like to do is be able to just go with the flow and all but I find myself having to give something a label. So, I am going to make a concerted effort to not label anything for the rest of the week and….you guessed it, go with the flow. I’ll let you know how I get on.

Going back to the previous, I suppose Mr TA and I are hanging out, dating is too stronger word…yes, hanging out is the best word that I can think of. Any way we have this text conversation chewing the cud etc and then we get to the interesting bit.

Earlier in the day I had been asked to consider what I want to do career wise. Some background, I am currently on a secondment in a Project Team in the IT department. To be fair and honest I dam well love it. I get to use my brain and challenge myself. It feeds in to my favourite way of working. ‘Si, here is problem X, you have until date Y to get it solved, Go!’ Perfect for me, hate being micro managed and like to left to get it done. I like the team as well, we have a laugh and get through the hard work with laughter and support from each other. Do I want to go back to my old job? Hell no!

So me Mr TA, i’m ‘hanging out’ with seem to be in similar positions. At varying distances down the recovery-from-failed-relationship-path but facing the whole of our respective lives and a lot of choices coming our way. I mentioned that I have been guilty of thinking too far in the future and worrying about my retirement and not living in the here and now, the here and now is pretty brilliant for the most part, living conditions exempted obvs. He says something negative which is very unlike him and I caught myself surprised to be honest but reminded him where he is now is where he needs to be and that he has choices as well all do. This leads me on to think more about the choices facing me.

What do I want? I think it is pretty clear cut at the moment. However, the job is in London, I am based in the Midlands and I have a 4 hour commute. I have gotten used to this so it is OK. This then leads on to  my current situation with the ex-husband. I am being bought out of my flat this month and will be moving out. Whether I am renting or buying is a huge choice in itself and I am really on the fence with this one.

Renting, easy and quick to move, no commitment but can be a lot more expensive than a mortgage. Buying, takes longer but gives ultimate stability and is cheaper than renting. I can afford something half decent in OK areas but not as close as I want to be to my old work or the secondment. Then for some reason my brain flicks to the future and what I want to do. If a job does come out of this secondment it will be London. Mr TA lives in London. Buying is still an option as I can rent it out but renting will make me more flexible. What to do?

Do I even want to put myself forward and take on a career, I tried that once before and got seriously hurt and let down and it took me a long time to recover from it. My own insecurities will keep on the fence on this one but I have to say (steady your self reader, positivity in bound) I am doing dam well in this job, I have excelled and pushed myself way out of my comfort zone. In the early days I was struggling with all the self doubt and almost gave in to it but I pushed and the reward was so worth it.

Here I am at the age of 40 with what seems like an almost clean slate and the whole of my future ahead of me and totally in my hands. Part of me is excited and part of me is scared and afraid, which I think is normal, I think it wouldn’t be normal to have some sort of fear. I suppose the biggest fear is making the wrong decisions but I think that is life, you have to try don’t you.

The end of marriage, whilst the worst thing I have ever been through, has led me to this moment in my life. The realisation hit me a few minutes ago as we pulled out of Coventry, this is when it all changes. A tear welled  in my eye and I had to hold myself  and I don’t know why? Was it because it was the end of an era of my life? Or that I will soon move out of the home I had with my Ex?  Fear for the future? I think it was a mix of sadness, release, relief and hope. A moment of clarity as watched the rain run down the window of the train, feeling the tear roll down my cheek.


If I don’t put myself out there and at least try I never will, I will continue being alone and very unsatisfied in all areas of my life. Do I want Mr TA  in my life? I think I do but am happy for it to be nice, slow and steady as we both need it to be, it’s not all my choice and I don’t know what he wants but I’m along for the ride if nothing else (no labels lol).

The option of sad, lonely and miserable is not one I want to take. There is a better way to live and I have been given a second chance and I am going to dam well take it as best I can. The 40 years for good, the next 40 are going to fucking amazing!

Have an amazing day!








The beginning of the end.

So it's been a while since I blogged and I feel that a lot has happened and I have had some set backs but also made some progress, well enough to warrant me rambling on again.

So a few weeks ago it was mine and the ex's 40th Birthday celebration. It was a joint do as we are both 40 within a week of each other. As we had split up I decided not to go especially as the ex was taking his new fella. Some of you are probably thinking that's a bit insensitive, some of you are probably thinking the party should have been cancelled and if he still wanted a party he should have made alternate arrangements. The ex thinks practically and not emotionally so didn't see the emotional attachment to that day and evening for me. The feeling was I was lifted out of the evening and my replacement was parachuted in.

To be fair I knew this was gonna happen and maybe I should have been insistent that the night be cancelled. I'll take my part in that.

That day I was at work in the morning and had planned to go to the cinema and have some food in the evening with a friend. Sadly that friend cancelled without really telling me seeing her do something else with someone else on Facebook and it pretty much threw me into an angry state of being. It had been pretty much brewing for a few days and this was just the beginning of the spiral and into anger and maybe not expressing as best as I could but my god it had to come out of me, there was no way I was going to internalise it.

So via a text message conversation about which cinema I was going to so the ex and the replacement didn't go to the same one. I told him my plans had been cancelled and long story short he said I could join them for the evening if I wanted to and should come along. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

That really tipped my over the edge, thankfully Mama Africa came the rescue and took me out for a walk to clear my head and calm me down. So my plan was then to just go home, take a Valium and go to sleep but during the walk from the train station I descended to the darkest of places.

Thinking or rather knowing I had been replaced and forgotten about and let down and hurt by a friend, I knew that I was in a destructive place. I got home and got my pills. I had 122 antidepressants left from my last breakdown and I had always kept them.

I knew I didn't want to do it but I was terrified, more than I had ever been and I text the one person I knew that would get me out of the this, Sar, the problem was she was out at the birthday party. I didn't want to burden Mama Africa further she had been so good already and didn't know what to do. Sar got me through the last one and talked me down, I just wants thinking.

I didn't call I just text and between her and another friend Kat who just happened to text me they got me down. At the time I didn't know that Sar had showed another friend at the party the messages and the ex had found out as the two friends had had a row. I assumed Sar had kept everything to herself maybe that was naive of me considering there was drink flowing.

I came round and all was….I want say OK….but that isn't true I wasn't. Mama Africa came round again on Sunday and she took my pills and flushed them. I sent apology emails to the 2 people at the party and while Sar got back to me and has been fine with me since. One hasn't not and I got a message telling me that my actions were vile and he needed a break from it all. (I have been accused on numerous occasions of bring them into them situation but factually I haven't, I leave that one at the ex's door).

Vile….that word stuck in my mind for days and caused a further crisis enough to make me go to doctor and ask about be sectioned but the doctor was horrendous and I wish I hadn't gone at all. My counsellor was good but still I was stuck on 'vile'. You know if I had really wanted to ruin that night I could have just turned up and had a slanging match with the ex.

Also would you really send that message to someone who had been in crisis the day before, I can understand the anger I really can, considering the person in question has also had similar crisis' I would have expected some thing less damaging. I regret my actions and the distress I caused and look forward to talking it through one day with him.

I'm not writing this to assign blame to anyone but having said that there was blame enough being sent my way for the and I quote 'ruining the whole evening'. I'll take the blame of questionable judgement in texting Sar and causing concern but when in crisis you don't exactly think straight. I'll take on the fact that I need to make amends for my actions. I may have lost a good friend through it which I will have to live with and the repercussions of my actions that night for a long time to come.

Me and the ex had a chat about it and made our peace and I said that he had no idea how much anger there is inside to get out. He was away and said we should talk when he got back.

This is the moment it all started to change. We had the conversation and I said everything that I wanted to say, knowing it would hurt and cause upset but I needed to see that, not in some vengeance thing but to see if I meant anything to him at all as I was replaced so quickly and with ease. What was said will always remain between us but I saw tears and I saw pain. I needed that.

It's time to move on.

That was a couple of weeks ago now, my 40th birthday passed by quietly and maybe I wasn't happy with it so I have resolved to have a big party next year to do it justice. I had a great day out with Mama Africa, Mad Kat and Twinny and I think I spent the whole day laughing which is just what I needed.

I've even had a night out with friends, that may not seem very much or big but, dear readers, it fucking well is for me with social anxiety. Lol. In fact the night lasted till 5am and was a giggle, even saw someone who hates me very much that I had been dreading. There was no ex safety blanket so I thought 'Fuck it, I've got as much right to be here and if you want to waste your night glaring at me then go right ahead'. May not seem much but a confidence boost for me.

So an eventful few weeks, there are some things I deeply regret and will have to live with the consequences but there were some mini mountains climbed.

I sit here on a train writing this blog and there is a genuine feeling of happiness and excitement for the future. Still some big hurdles to come and still some anxiety over some lost friendships. However I know I will be alright and I have a life to live which is gonna be full of fun and laughs. One thing I take from the last few months is just how wonderful my friends have been. Some truly lovely things have been said about me and why people like to be around me. I am very humbled and very honoured.

I am also meeting a man for a coffee on Tuesday. Eek! Too soon, is it? What's the time frame? Surely if it feels right?

First and foremost, climbing Snowdon tomorrow with Twinny.





I’m trying not to start this by saying it’s been a while but it has. Anyway it’s my blog and it’s my choice.

So, you are more than likely thinking is he going to tell us about his opinion on drains, well no i’m not. Well, not the physical take the smelly water and material away kind of drains but the people drains. I also don’t mean the type of people that drain society of resources be that food or money. What I want to talk to you about it emotional drains.

Have you ever been on a trains/bus/tram/car ride with a person, be it work colleague or other that does nothing but moan about everything? You, like I did the other day, bounce out of bed in a relativity good mood, maybe even at stupid o’clock in the morning, you shower and eat breakfast and look forward to the day ahead. Pick up your bag and slap on your headphones with some up beat tunes. Then it happens, either when you are on the way to work or when you arrive and you are just settling in and firing up the laptop or maybe even standing in the queue for the most important coffee of the day. You bump into the drainer.

You reluctantly take off your headphones or stop logging in or turn around in the queue knowing full well who the voice belongs to and what is coming but we all want to be polite don’t we. Should we? Do we have to be polite?

Let’s face it, what actually happens? They have a good old moan about something either affects them or you both, it could be anything from governments to work, relationships to holidays. There is always something we can have a good old moan about and we all like a good old moan, I think it is in our nature. However that person who had started moaning and complaining about whatever it is slowly draining your positive mood, you can even feel it happen but it is easier to let it happen and then slowly be drawn into it and start having a good old moan yourself. Then it becomes a pissing up the wall contest to see who’s life is worse, after all knowing that someone else is suffering and unhappy makes us feel better about ourselves but we still like to win.

I’m going to come across as hypocritical at some point I just know I am simply because you can’t help but love a good old bitch and moan session but that is in a way my point, if you are both up for a bitch and moan session then let it happen. Its good to get it out, its good for the soul. It can bring people together and strengthen bonds in work places and friendships if we are suffering communal issues that we could help each other out with.

I want to focus on those days when life is good, when you know that you are going to try and be positive to make a difference. As regular readers will know that I have had my fair share of mental issues and positivity is something that is important to me but it doesn’t come easy at all to me. The days when I wake up and go to work in a positive happy place are rare and I try my very best to look after them. However the other day, after a few minutes on the office I was listening to someone moan on about something and I felt the draining start. The smile started to slip, the bright sparkle in my eyes was dimmed and before you know it I had joined in and was having a moan about the same things as  my colleague.

What happened in the end? They went away feeling better as they had off loaded and I was left with their emotional detritus and mourning the loss of my good mood. Thanks! Now what happens to the detritus they have given me, I take it in, evolve it and then pass it on to the people I meet. It could be in one big blow out or in dire size morsels but it will come out sooner or later.

Well, not anymore, I have a plan going forward, a script that I have already practiced for when it happens again, as it will happen again. When the drainer swoops in to off load their negative mood I shall bring up my verbal shield and deflect. I will stand strong and I will say, ‘No! Not today will I listen to the negativity, you’re a top guy/gal but not today will I listen to your vile negativity and let it erode my A1 kick ass mood!’ Although that is what is in my head and let’s face it that is a fucked up place as it is. It might be something along the lines of , ‘Let’s not start the day with a moan, let’s have a good start to the day and it will be a good day’ what do you think? Well, the words aren’t that important really are they, as long as the sentiment is there. Maybe it doesn’t have to be so direct, maybe I just have to lead the conversation into positive territory.

If anyone I know is reading this, I mean no offence in my comments, and I am guilty of it  myself but maybe we maybe if we were all nice and positive that positivity would fester in us, just as negativity does, and we can flood our lives with more positivity and happiness!

Let’s give it a try, smile and have a laugh!


Gay Marriage in the UK! Yay

I know I have blogged about this already but I truly feel that this is a momentous moment in the UK. Hopefully the world will follow in our footsteps and stop making illegal for people to commit to their LOVE!

To me this is what it comes down to, pure and simple love. Why should we be dictated to about how we can show this love that we have. Love that is as natural as air and water, that is all around.

Of course we don’t need a piece of paper to show this, we each other and that is enough for some. What if it’s not enough? What if like me you want to shout it from the roof tops, to tell the world you have found the ‘one’, the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with! Why should any government or church or religion tell us that our love is wrong, is dirty is illegal! Well you know what I say to

Governments, govern don’t dictate after all it’s power by the people for the people. On this note well done to the Conservative and Liberal Democrat Parties!

Church, you have no right to govern what you clearly don’t understand, one might also say, look to your own house before looking at others. Let he who is free of sin cast the first stone, all I’m going to say is pervy Priest and kiddy fiddly Fathers and Bishops. Do what you do best guide and preach love to all.

Religion, where do you start. I have never been into religion so maybe I speak from a place that I shouldn’t. My understanding is that it is all about giving people faith in something and belief and comfort in themselves. It should preach love and a sacrifice to all. Instead we get war, hatred and sadness all in the name of religion. I pick no one religion out in this, they are all guilty of in if you look back in history. Religion should be about love and understanding, simple. You can’t even let women preach, how out dated are you!

I am so happy that sometime next year I can upgrade my civil partnership to a marriage and finally and more importantly legally call my civil partner my HUSBAND. Can you believe that legally I haven’t been able to do that. At the hotel where we had our reception they could even put it on the board outside the room we had as it would have been illegal! Bonkers!!

I will be having a party and I will be shouting at the top of my voice once again that I have the same rights a privileges as the people around me. I am able to demonstrate and show my love in the best way possible, the holding of hands, the tear of happiness on my cheek, the grin what will never and has never been wiped off my face and the signing of a legal document thats the same as everyone else.

Yay, I can’t wait!