Happiness and loneliness

Again it has been a while since I posted anything on here. There have been some highs and lows as I approach the one year anniversary of the demise of my 10 year relationship and 8 year marriage.

Sadly we are still living together seeing the ex move on with his new fella has been particularly hard, not because I want the ex back but because of the disrespect I have been shown in my own home but hopefully that will be rectified soon. This of course brings in its own anxieties. Living alone, which I have done before, is scary when you have been with someone for so long. You feel institutionalised by it, bound by the conventions and monetary implications. Living on your own is dam expensive. Still I am trying to be brave and take on a mortgage on my own and make a house and home for myself.

Dating, well, there have been some amazing moments. The lovely Pete, bought me a wonderful dinner in a proper posh restaurant then we walked around holding hands and kissing in public!!! I’m not one for public displays of affection but it felt right so went with it. Then of course life happens, he caught flu, work and life got busy and I was asked for a postponement of activities. Said he’d be in touch in a few weeks…it’s been 3. Not a peep. Could all have been a line, only time will tell. I’d really like to hear from this one, he got under my skin.

Then I meet someone I haven’t seen in 15 years or so, the excitement of physically being with someone I have fancied for a very very long time. We enjoyed each other’s company and oh my gay god it was amazing! Like literally amazing! There is me thinking it is just that, physical, but we hang out and have days out and it’s nice. More emotionally repressed and shy about emotions etc. There is a couple of stop overs and it is nice but where do I stand? No clue. Minor bunny boiler moment but he is still around but have no clue where if anywhere it is heading. I wouldn’t even say we are seeing each other in any informal or formal way but it’s nice to go along with the ride.

If I’m honest I got a little obsessed about being with someone. What for? Not long before the ‘Pete incident’, I was getting my head around being happy with myself, in my own company. Not just reaching out to anyone, the wrong people, just to stave off being alone. Loneliness was killing me, OK it wasn’t but it felt like it was. Lying on the sofa alone, no attention span to watch TV hoping that my phone would rumble to signify a text or WhatsApp. All I achieved was just to annoy people and probably drive some men away. #lifelessons

So, I talked at great length to my wonderful friends and found things that helped.

1. Forcing myself to spend time alone and do something I enjoyed.

2. Start a distraction hobby or activity.

3. Keep busy with the ‘stuff’ of life.

The first one went relatively well and I stopped looking at my phone, putting it on the other sofa so I couldn’t easily get at it. I would force myself to be in the moment and watch a film or TV show. But you can only do so much.

The second was fun, I taught myself how to knit and I’ve been knitting ever since. It’s great for passing the time and distracting from the crap that is going on around. It’s also nice to sit and listen to an audio book whilst knitting, very relaxing. So far I have made a couple of scarfs and some squares for a blanket I am making for the cold winters ahead when I can’t afford heating.

The stuff of life, by this I mean the gym, learning to ride my motorbike and seeing my friends. These things I think we all put to the side when we meet people and get excited about what the future might be. I wasn’t even seeing someone officially and I was thinking about moving this stuff out of the way. I am a fool and you are right to be shaming your heads at me. #shamed

It has taken me a while but I think I just need to crack on with my own life and make the best of it. I need to divorce, move, set up a new home, carry on building a future career and learn, pass and gain a full motorbike licence but more importantly I need to love myself because I am dam worthy of it. The man I meet will have to fit around me, I don’t want to cancel things and just become a non-person who is just with someone because they are terrified about being on their own.

Strange how like a drug love is. I would have literally give up everything to get back that warm and comfortable feeling I had, or thought I had before.

Maybe it will come again but I want to have that moment when I meet a man and my breath is literally taken away and I think that my heart is going to explode out of my chest with excitement and longing for a simple touch. The moment when you touch each other’s skin and a spark of electricity ricochets around every part of you. That first look deep into their eyes feels like a lifetime, you can you feel your very soul yearning but it is mere seconds. You have to catch yourself from falling into them there and then.

And I shall dam well have it. Loneliness is hard it’s dam hard but you can do it. Just be comfortable with you, enjoy you. It isn’t easy and I’m not saying every day I sit and smile, I don’t. Sometimes I sit and cry and think what is the point but I get myself out of it. I bake or knit or talk to a friend.

I’m a great guy. I know I struggle and make some bad decisions but deep down I know I don’t go out of my way to hurt people and usually try to help people where I can.

There is a certain little black woman, Lady J that will be so proud that I have said positive things about myself and put then out there in the world. I do love me and think I’m fairly great but there is always something to improve on and learn.

Soon you lovely and sexy people. X

Moving Day!

Hi all!

Hope your all well!

Today is the day before I move house into the first home we have ever bought. We have always rented and I have finally come round to agree after some 15 years of renting that it is indeed dead money. So we took the plunge and have bought a new home. A brand new, sparkly, shiny home. His Lordship has been working really hard on getting everything done as I am one of life’s panic’ers.

We exchanged contract last week and he and his parents with a little bit form me have been decorating and putting up shelves etc since last Friday. It looks great to be honest and I can’t wait to get moved in and unpacked. We have bought a lot of new stuff and completely killed our bank balances. It will be pretty though.

We have had to downsize severely from a 2 bed large maisonette to a smaller 2 bedroom flat but I think with all we have thrown out or recycled we should be fine. Just a few issues of where to put a minority of things. We were so worried that our sofa’s wouldn’t fit in but they will.

I thing I am going to say about the whole experience is that is costs a lot of money. I know it is a hell of a lot cheaper buying a new flat as there is no chain etc and we are not selling a place just buying one. Solicitors and fees and ground fees and services charges etc £1,071 and thats before we have even moved in. At least it is done with now.

The insurance company did make me laugh though. We are on the 3rd floor of our block and we have had an extra clause added to our contents insurance as we are in a high risk flood area. Seriously the 3rd floor, the only water I am actually near is a canal, canals don’t flood, they are not tidal and can be controlled. They say it is surface run off when there is heavy rain etc. Surface run off on the 3rd floor. I said to them I would be more worried about the people in the flats below and the nearby City which we are above. All we got in the way of response was the computer says it so it must be true. Yes deary and the internet says that Elvis is living very happily in a civil partnership with Lord Lucan and their pet Red Rum and all descend from the Universal Overlords living on Mars…..but if the computer said it than it must be true!

The Royal Mail were even better, as it’s a new build it the address wasn’t registered so I emailed to have them add it. They asked for the full address and area. I sent it…..sorry having difficulty finding it. Can you send us more info on the local area, what is it near on either side. Well on one side we have a train station and on the side we have a massive and I do mean massive Royal Mail delivery office. Their response, yes OK we have it now……dear me.

So we are all set to go, just got to get through the day today, do a bit of filming and negotiate getting some iPads out of procurement. Then home for 5 days to pack, move my entire life, unpack it and rest for a few days!

Si

3 weeks in and all is OK….so far

Hi all,

I know you are all champing and the bit to hear further how I am getting on in the new job. Well I seem to have calmed down and bit. The first course I have to deliver is Monday and I am still very nervous and doubt I will have a relaxing weekend that I am craving. Last weekend was a total stress fest.

It all started last Friday, the first day of a 3 day assessment course. Day 1 was all about loading us up with information and theory. We then had the weekend to get on with it and create the first of our course to present. Monday was the mock but Tuesday was the assessment itself. Monday I was OK with a little nerves and some pointers or as they call them ‘improvers’.

Monday night we were put up in a hotel and had to create another new training session and present it the next morning. I had already done some ground work on the power point part of mine just had the notes to right up. I say just the notes have to be comprehensive and full so that anyone else can present the course should they be required to. Well to cut a long story short I passed but they nerves got to me and I did mess up a little bit but nowhere near the disaster I thought it would be.

So I think this has given me some confidence and the feedback I received was great. Maybe I am worrying about nothing. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I am too much of a perfectionist and I should relax a little.

In other news the house buying or should I say flat buying is going well so far. Although money is flying out in all directions and I am seriously stressing about when I can afford to pay it all back!

Si