Go….stop….pause…and go again.

So it has been a very long time since I blogged and I just don’t know why that is to be fair. Let me fill you in…

So the last time we spoke I had been a 2 dates and they weren’t going to be taken further, if I didn’t tell you that before well that’s some news for you, sorry to leave you hanging all this time. Dating took a back seat to be fair and I think that was a good choice as I decided to embark on a new adventure.

Go….So I have been at the mercy of public transport all my life near enough, never really learning to drive and to be fair that was mostly coming from a complete lack in interest in cars, driving and the whole costs and expense of it all. I have a free trains pass so that get to the places I need or want t get to so it’s always been fine. Add to that I have always had a fella that has had a car and driven me around to the places I have need to get to. As we know now this is at an end (I’ll come back to this).

So research time, what can I do, learn to drive a car, or something else. Is there a way I can be mobile at a much cheaper cost to my purse. Introducing Biker Si!

So I took my CBT within weeks of deciding this would be my course of actions. My reasoning being that bikes are cheaper, cost less to run, less to fuel and less to tax. The CBT I took over 2 days but this was not because of me, this was more to do with the person on the course with me lost the plot when we were out on the roads so we had to keep stopping. Trust me dear reader I made many mistakes, many a time I came to a stop on a cross junction and repeatedly stalled the bike. I even almost killed myself doing practice laps.

Needless to say having never driven in my life and it was all a lot to take in and get used to in such a short time frame. So next was the safety equipment. I researched and read all I could about the best and right gear that I could afford and plumped for leathers.

I think I look pretty good to be fair but fair more importantly I would be safe, well as safe and you can be. Fully lined with all the relevant protections. The helmet, boots and gloves followed. The next thing was to just go and buy the bike. I could only have a 125cc bike because I was on a provisional with only my CBT so far achieved. I decided to wait for the warmer weather of spring to take it further and gain my full licence and more powerful bike.

So with the bike bought (Yamaha YBR125) it came to the fateful day I had to pick it up. I was hoping for some clear skies and decent roads, I knew it would be cold but I couldn’t do much about that. The ex had offered to take me over and come back with me and keep behind me to stop any arsehole drivers killing me. So it began with a trip to the petrol station, £12 filled the tank. Woo Hoo! Of course the heavens open, rain, wind, hail, brimstone, it was like the apocalypse. Maybe I am exaggerating a little but trust me only a little. Apart from being in the outside lane of a dual carriageway doing 30 in a 60mph area and getting in the wrong lane on a few islands I survived the trip. I don’t think I have ever been so nervous about anything.

I was only more nervous about telling my Mum and Dad, my plan was just to ride over and surprise them and a couple of Thursdays ago that is just what I did. I battled through the rush hour traffic and pulled up on their drive in full gear. Knocked on the door and Dad opened, looking at me in full leathers deftly removing my helmet. I moved so he cold see the bike and he just laughed an called out “Marg” and the next thing mother is coming down the stairs saying that ‘it looked like Simon on that bike on the drive’. She saw me and for a second my heart stopped until a massively warm and proud smile crept across her face as she embraced me warmly and told me how proud she was of me. It was a great day.

So now I need to engage the flux capacitor.

Stop….pause….While all this was going on the ex had had a little bit of an episode and his head was pretty fucked. I am going to condense a huge amount of time into a short paragraph because I don’t want to dwell on it anymore. He basically was in turmoil and asked if I would consider trying again, to put back together our relationship. I told him, the new fella had to go, he need therapy and then we needed marriage guidance but I made it clear that I was 50/50 on the outcome and I don’t know if this was the right thing to do. So over the next 6 weeks I stopped and paused my life while we talked, spent time with each other and started to like each other again.

In the end it just wasn’t to be, we are 2 very different people from who we were 10 years earlier and we want very different things out of life. We vowed to stay very good friends, after all we still need to live together until I am in a position to be able to afford to move. Something I have been actively looking at for a few days now.

Go…again. So now I have my bike and freedom, I can live wherever I like now and I am not bound my location or trains etc. I am very proud of seeing if we can get together again, there was a lot of pain and we discussed it over and over again and maybe resolved somethings between us. He is still a good mate but he is no longer the man I will spend my life with. It is a tough thing to deal with but is very helpful with the closure and end that I need to start moving on.

And as if by magic this weekend just gone the universe placed someone on my path that made me feel good about myself. I may only have spent one night in a hotel room and I will never see the person again but I felt good, I felt attractive, I felt wanted and needed. I could lie on someone else’s chest and it didn’t feel like I was betraying anyone, I could be intimate with someone else in every way and not feel bad or awkward. It did me the world of good and felt the universe’s hand guiding me to that encounter. Right place and right time.

Now I start dating when the right opportunity arises. I make it all sound plain sailing and it is easy and I am happy. Far from it. I am making the best life I can with what I have. Do I get down, yes. Do I get lonely, painfully. Do I wish it was different, maybe but not as much. Life is scary and moving in to my own place as a single man is going to be really tough but I will do it and I will thrive.

See you all soon.

Si

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Destructive behaviour

I am in a bit of a….I don’t want to say bad place….but I am not happy. A lot has happened this last few days in some respects and yet nothing has happened in others and I am left drained, tired and feeling low.

Lets start at the beginning, so a friend had a breakdown in their relationship and I have been trying to help him as they literally have no one else to turn to. Considering it’s only been about 7-8 weeks since my own ended I must seem as someone that knows what they are doing….I don’t, I just doing the best I can. So me being me I have tried to do all I can to help them through it but it has been a struggle and a drain for me and it took a very serious turn for the worse the other night. Long story short we caught it just in time and I spent hours on the phone getting them to a stable place. It has had a cost on me, I’m shattered, not sleeping and restless thinking about my friend and if they are safe.

Now flip it over to me, it’s my long weekend away from work and I have tried to make plans to keep myself busy but I have struggled. I had one plan but it fell through as my friend wasn’t well. So I have spent 3 days so far with nothing to do, wandering around the shops, watching telly and eating. I have been on some of the gay dating apps, not for hook ups to be clear but to try and meet some new friends and find people to hang out with and go on cycles with etc. Some initial conversations have been had but nothing really set in stone. There was a bloke the other day that said he would go cycling and why don’t we met for a coffee and see where it goes. Well, he kept me waiting and waiting despite saying he wouldn’t be long and I, like a lemon just sat there waiting, well I thought I shouldn’t be holding my life up for others and I should just get on with it. In the end I never heard back from him and he never showed up, what’s with that?

So the destructive behaviour starts, I am so scared of being alone and lonely that I will do anything to avoid it, meeting people and end up letting them come over late in the night to have awful sex and feel crap about myself. I am worth more than this and I am just clinging on to the ego boost I am getting from someone that is showing some form of attraction to me.

I wake up in the morning and think to myself shall I take my self out for the day and do something, which fills me with dread as I will be on my own. I try and make a plan with friends but it’s usually too late so end up eating being miserable and look on the apps for some form of contact, friends or something else I know I will regret.

I know this is in contrast to my post of the other day about choices but that still stands and I still stand by it, I am just making bad choices at times and I am sure we all do that. I am still trying to be positive about everything but this, loneliness, it’s something I find so very hard. I want to be busy and keep my self going. Maybe this weekend I just felt drained emotionally and physically due to concern and worry about my friend. Maybe I am giving too much of myself to others and neglecting myself.

Any advice as ever is gratefully received.

Si