The beginning of the end.

So it's been a while since I blogged and I feel that a lot has happened and I have had some set backs but also made some progress, well enough to warrant me rambling on again.

So a few weeks ago it was mine and the ex's 40th Birthday celebration. It was a joint do as we are both 40 within a week of each other. As we had split up I decided not to go especially as the ex was taking his new fella. Some of you are probably thinking that's a bit insensitive, some of you are probably thinking the party should have been cancelled and if he still wanted a party he should have made alternate arrangements. The ex thinks practically and not emotionally so didn't see the emotional attachment to that day and evening for me. The feeling was I was lifted out of the evening and my replacement was parachuted in.

To be fair I knew this was gonna happen and maybe I should have been insistent that the night be cancelled. I'll take my part in that.

That day I was at work in the morning and had planned to go to the cinema and have some food in the evening with a friend. Sadly that friend cancelled without really telling me seeing her do something else with someone else on Facebook and it pretty much threw me into an angry state of being. It had been pretty much brewing for a few days and this was just the beginning of the spiral and into anger and maybe not expressing as best as I could but my god it had to come out of me, there was no way I was going to internalise it.

So via a text message conversation about which cinema I was going to so the ex and the replacement didn't go to the same one. I told him my plans had been cancelled and long story short he said I could join them for the evening if I wanted to and should come along. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

That really tipped my over the edge, thankfully Mama Africa came the rescue and took me out for a walk to clear my head and calm me down. So my plan was then to just go home, take a Valium and go to sleep but during the walk from the train station I descended to the darkest of places.

Thinking or rather knowing I had been replaced and forgotten about and let down and hurt by a friend, I knew that I was in a destructive place. I got home and got my pills. I had 122 antidepressants left from my last breakdown and I had always kept them.

I knew I didn't want to do it but I was terrified, more than I had ever been and I text the one person I knew that would get me out of the this, Sar, the problem was she was out at the birthday party. I didn't want to burden Mama Africa further she had been so good already and didn't know what to do. Sar got me through the last one and talked me down, I just wants thinking.

I didn't call I just text and between her and another friend Kat who just happened to text me they got me down. At the time I didn't know that Sar had showed another friend at the party the messages and the ex had found out as the two friends had had a row. I assumed Sar had kept everything to herself maybe that was naive of me considering there was drink flowing.

I came round and all was….I want say OK….but that isn't true I wasn't. Mama Africa came round again on Sunday and she took my pills and flushed them. I sent apology emails to the 2 people at the party and while Sar got back to me and has been fine with me since. One hasn't not and I got a message telling me that my actions were vile and he needed a break from it all. (I have been accused on numerous occasions of bring them into them situation but factually I haven't, I leave that one at the ex's door).

Vile….that word stuck in my mind for days and caused a further crisis enough to make me go to doctor and ask about be sectioned but the doctor was horrendous and I wish I hadn't gone at all. My counsellor was good but still I was stuck on 'vile'. You know if I had really wanted to ruin that night I could have just turned up and had a slanging match with the ex.

Also would you really send that message to someone who had been in crisis the day before, I can understand the anger I really can, considering the person in question has also had similar crisis' I would have expected some thing less damaging. I regret my actions and the distress I caused and look forward to talking it through one day with him.

I'm not writing this to assign blame to anyone but having said that there was blame enough being sent my way for the and I quote 'ruining the whole evening'. I'll take the blame of questionable judgement in texting Sar and causing concern but when in crisis you don't exactly think straight. I'll take on the fact that I need to make amends for my actions. I may have lost a good friend through it which I will have to live with and the repercussions of my actions that night for a long time to come.

Me and the ex had a chat about it and made our peace and I said that he had no idea how much anger there is inside to get out. He was away and said we should talk when he got back.

This is the moment it all started to change. We had the conversation and I said everything that I wanted to say, knowing it would hurt and cause upset but I needed to see that, not in some vengeance thing but to see if I meant anything to him at all as I was replaced so quickly and with ease. What was said will always remain between us but I saw tears and I saw pain. I needed that.

It's time to move on.

That was a couple of weeks ago now, my 40th birthday passed by quietly and maybe I wasn't happy with it so I have resolved to have a big party next year to do it justice. I had a great day out with Mama Africa, Mad Kat and Twinny and I think I spent the whole day laughing which is just what I needed.

I've even had a night out with friends, that may not seem very much or big but, dear readers, it fucking well is for me with social anxiety. Lol. In fact the night lasted till 5am and was a giggle, even saw someone who hates me very much that I had been dreading. There was no ex safety blanket so I thought 'Fuck it, I've got as much right to be here and if you want to waste your night glaring at me then go right ahead'. May not seem much but a confidence boost for me.

So an eventful few weeks, there are some things I deeply regret and will have to live with the consequences but there were some mini mountains climbed.

I sit here on a train writing this blog and there is a genuine feeling of happiness and excitement for the future. Still some big hurdles to come and still some anxiety over some lost friendships. However I know I will be alright and I have a life to live which is gonna be full of fun and laughs. One thing I take from the last few months is just how wonderful my friends have been. Some truly lovely things have been said about me and why people like to be around me. I am very humbled and very honoured.

I am also meeting a man for a coffee on Tuesday. Eek! Too soon, is it? What's the time frame? Surely if it feels right?

First and foremost, climbing Snowdon tomorrow with Twinny.

Si

A new day, brings reflections and lessons.

So my post from yesterday has bothered me as I wrote it when I was exhausted dealing with a mate that is struggling with life and to be fair I had to take some time yesterday. I hated saying that I needed some time to sleep and rest but I just couldn’t continue to take on someone elses stuff when I am not in the best state. 

At least after a good nights sleep I can sit and reflect on what has happened this weekend with objectivity and a sense of humour, something I was lacking in yesterday. I am a firm believer that a sense of humour is needed in all things in life simply because if you don’t laugh you may just fold and that would be that. I laugh at myself a lot and I laugh at what my life has become more and more. Don’t roll your eyes and say that can be destructive and harmful but to me it is a way of coping. 

My mate and his issues and trying to stop him killing himself was a big chunk of what went wrong this weekend, not only the night it happened but the negativity that flowed following it. As I said above I had to take some time yesterday to reset and centre. Had a few conversations on Sunday which really helped me out with Ginge and Mad Kat, to say I have the best friends is an understatement, they knew just what I needed and despite lying to one of them they still have my back. 

Lesson to learn 1 – Don’t give everything of yourself to others, keep something back for you. 

Now dear reader I want to go back to something you probably picked up, I lied to a friend, a friend that is amazing. Late on Friday me and Ginge were talking via text and he asked what I was up to the weekend and I embellished my plans when in reality I didn’t have all that many if any at all in reality. I think I may have even lied to you dear readers and worst of all, myself. 

Why did I feel the need to do that? I know why but can you guess? I don’t want people to feel sorry for Billy no mates, I don’t want to go round asking my friends for them to entertain me, when they have their own plans and lives to lead. Then there is the though I have that they are only doing it to be nice and they really don’t want to say yes and go anywhere with me, I think this because I don’t see myself as not worthy. I have been put straight in this by Ginge and Mad Kat. We now have plans to go camping and do stuff in the coming days and months.

Lesson to learn 2 – Don’t lie to your true friends, they won’t judge and will do all they can to help. 

Lesson to learn 3 – You are worthy and people really want to be around you. 

Sex – there I said it, shock horror, yes dear reader this might get a little be risqué. Don’t worry I won’t be explicit as no one wants to hear about a 39 years old gay and his sexual disasters. So to start I was talking to this guy who mistook me for someone else and a long story short we met up on Saturday lunchtime. I was thinking coffee and a chat and that’s that, he was a bit forward and confidant which is OK but in moderation. We needed up sitting in lay by with a McDonalds milkshake (not something I will be doing again, oh and I detected that fine dining for him was a Five Guys), talking about mostly him, he actually never asked a single question about me which was very very annoying. He dropped me back off at the train station and I headed into town and home. 

Feeling a little down I went to a gay bar for a quite drink and ended up in a guys hotel room not being satisfied and then going home feeling crap about myself and what I had done. Now that is bad enough but I ended up getting the guy I had met for the milkshake over in the middle of the night for a shag. This is where his confidence and buster about his love making was put to the test and I really don’t know why I asked him over, I knew I was never gonna see this guy again. Another very fucking long story short, it wasn’t great, I played my part I was shattered and tense but his rep was not deserved at all. Again felt really crap and very very cheap, that I had once again traded on my self respect to scratch an itch….I polished of a pack of biscuits to make me feel better about myself…it didn’t.

Lesson to learn 4 – Have some fucking self respect and love yourself, no ones gonna love you until you love yourself. 

Finally we come to my new friends or so called new friends. These are people have I been trying to cultivate new friendships with since the split, you know, people to hang out at the cinema with, coffees and drinks in the evening and so on. One of them is Badboi, he is lush, we have shagged in the past. I am a bit obsessed with him in all fairness, he is gorgeous and chased me for a while, always getting knocked back. He has been round a few times and we have watched some films and chilled but now I seem to be doing all the chasing and that is annoying. 

Another guy messaged me the other day saying be cool to have a cycle buddy and new friends and I though cool. I said I was in town and said if he wanted a coffee let me know. He said yeah and get back to me when he would be there. I was already in a coffee shop writing a blog for the other day, I never heard anything from him at all. I just sat there waiting again trading on my self worth, I did come to my senses and just thought to myself ‘Why am I just sitting here like a lemon’, I am not waiting around for everyone elses timetables to live my life they can get in mine if they want to be in it. 

Lesson to Learn 5 – Don’t put your life on hold for others, if they want to spend time with you they can come to you. 

Does that sound harsh, do any of the lessons? I have to protect myself and live the way I want to. 

Well I’m going to go and learn these lessons and start to try and value myself. My action plan for the week is as follows 

1. No texting the ‘new friends’ unless they text you for the week. 

2. Spend some time building up some self worth.

3. Be healthy, eat healthy and get some good sleep.

4. Make some plans for the future. 

Hope you have a great week dear readers! 

Si

A week in the forest!

Hi peeps,

This week I’m spending a week in a forest with my friends but sadly not my husband. He sadly got very late notice that with his new job he would be unable to come with us. I was not very happy at this news as it had been planned and paid for a year in advance!

So I’m here with the other 3 people we were coming with and we are having a good time. I don’t know if you have ever experienced a Centre Parcs break but they are fab. It’s basically lodges that’s are different sizes and qualities in a forest. Lots of nature around you, with woodland creatures all around. I will say that Centre Parcs are very responsible and do look after the forest and use it very carefully!

Now back to the Hubby thing. I didn’t want to actually come without him but I also didn’t want to let my friends down as this is kind of turning into a year fun filled week. I feel a bit bad having a good time without Hubby knowing he is at work and on his own. Feel like I’m being unfair having fun and laughing all week long when he is not here. I even cried a few times as I’m missing him like crazy. I know he wants me to enjoy myself and have fun but is it sad to miss him like crazy?

Is it odd or really good that all I can think of is that ‘Hubby would love this’. We have done some great things this week, archery, clay pigeon shooting and tomorrow we get to play with crossbows! I know what your thinking, all these things will kill people, who are these crazy peeps! Lol

I think is a great thing to miss him so much it is strange, like my left arm is missing! We actually got on to talking about marriage etc and how you know to have met the ‘one’. All I can say on the matter is what my mother said to me when I asked the question, How do I know I have met the One? She said you just know and as odd and as unbelievable as it sounds you just do. We ended up proposing to each other in a month and living together within 3 months the rest is history. All I will ever say is love is love, whatever form it takes embrace it for the right reasons. You will know when it comes along and it will take over your life in the best possible way until it is no longer there. It’s simply wonderful!

Sorry, I’m little bit off topic, just missing my man like crazy!

Back in the forest……the nature is all around us. We even had baby Dears coming up to the lodge with loads of rabbits bouncing around the place. It’s such a relaxing place to come and chill and not to far to go. But some of the people…..things you see when you don’t have a shot gun is all I’m saying!

Coming away with 2 other gays and an amazing friend has done me the world of good. I simply haven’t stopped laughing all week, just wish Hubby was here!

Enough now, I know I never stick to the topic but I just start rambling, hope you have enjoyed reading it and sorry for any iPad auto-corrects!

Hope you enjoy reading, have included a photo, not the best weather to be honest but we are having fun!

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Love

So it’s been a while since my last blog! The usual over worked and unpaid blah blah blah!

I have a question for you all. Is it possible to love too much?

This has so many answers, I think it would be impossible to answer in one blog alone. I didn’t think it was but the old saying sticks in my head, ‘Love is blind’.

To me the definition of love between me and His Lordship is basically that I don’t think I could live without him. That being without him would be like loosing an arm or a leg, my heart, I believe would simply break. This leads me on to the belief that you can die of a broken heart. All I have ever wanted is a love like that of parents. Once my dad went away for a week for his work leaving mum behind on her own. Whilst she never really showed anything outwardly I knew she missed him something chronic. The day my Dad returned I was at home and he was waited for my mum to come home from work. He couldn’t wait for her to come in the door and went to meet her at the bus stop and they were like teenagers and the tears where flowing. This to me is love, where you become so entwined with someone you simply can’t live without them. We have heard of a devoted couple where ones dies and a few days/weeks later the other passes on for no discern-able reason.

Love is blind when is comes to love that is destructive and cruel. The fear of being alone is another I have witnessed and I have to say I have seen people be dam miserable but they fear being alone so much they are willing to stay in a destructive relationship. Is this love? Is it love when you go back to someone that has beat the other?

Is it possible to love more than one person at a time? I know we all love lots of people but what I mean is it possible to love two people in a relationship kind of way. Is one love and the other lust? I personally believe that is what it is, I believe you can only love one person at a time. Maybe that’s just my perception of it.

To me love is the most wonderful thing in the world but it is also the most destructive.

Makes you think?

S