I am currently on the train to work. I am sat opposite one of my best friends and I can’t talk to her about the things I want to talk to her about as also on the table is a Manager I really don’t know and I don’t want to cry in front of. Me being me I am usually on the verge of crying even happy and normal.
I feel that I have done some serious damage to myself to avoid the fear of being alone in the world. This is my biggest fear the one I can’t think straight about and tend to do stupid things to avoid.
Mr TA isn’t talking to me, I think he got spooked or I have done something to spook him. No text’s since Saturday, maybe I came on too strong maybe I didn’t but you know what I don’t have the fear to label something as a date when it is. Gutted doesn’t come close to be fair, I like him as a person and a friend and while I feel it a massive shame that there might not be a romantic element it is such a shame to throw away such a good friendship, I miss his counsel, advice and laughter. Once again I have caused this and it really doesn’t make me think kindly of myself to know I might have caused him distress.
What is it that makes me go so crazy in the fear of being alone in this world? I am told repeatedly that you have to love yourself first before someone else can love you. I agree with this and mostly I do think I am an OK person. Now, I know what you are thinking that thinking I am an OK guy and loving myself are 2 very different things. How can I love myself when I cause others upset and let people down.
My mother is having a rough time of it, shouldn’t I have seen this, having been there before myself. Shouldn’t I have called more often and visited more. I am a bad son, I love my Mother and Father very much and we are very close, I am not as nice to them as they are to me.
Jen, I have called her a lot recently and she takes my calls and spends hours on the phone talking me through whatever crisis (really?) is befalling me at the time. She always puts me first and she is wonderful. Last night she didn’t answer her phone and I just assumed she was busy with her family but then later in the evening I got a message. She wasn’t good and was struggling. I must be some prize cunt not to see that maybe it wasn’t ass rosy for her as I unloaded all my stuff on to her and she took it and advised me on my life. Seriously, who am I? I don’t even recall me asking how she was the other day when I was on the phone, why do I not do that. I let a friend down and wasn’t there when I should have been.
This isn’t about me and I am not conceited in that way. I am trying to analyse why I am being the way I am to improve myself and be a better friend to these wonderful people.
I have gone from saying what a wonderful, great, amazing and strong person I am to being a complete twat in the space of a couple of weeks because I got so wrapped up in me that I didn’t see what is happening around me.
Luckily Saz, my friend I am sitting opposite, helped me sort out my head about work before the Manager got on train so at least I got something out.
Here I am still on the train and thinking what a self centred twat I am being still writing this, when I should be calling or texting my friends to see how they are and trying to be a better friend to them. Maybe I don’t deserve this life and these people, they certainly deserve better than me.
As for Mr TA, maybe I don’t deserve him, maybe it isn’t right, maybe it wasn’t meant to be anything other than what it was. Maybe I will never know but for now I will leave him to it and see what happens.
I need to refocus my life, on the people around me and trying to find something in me I love.
I would really appreciate you comments and suggestions.