Struggling to hold back the tears

I am currently on the train to work. I am sat opposite one of my best friends and I can’t talk to her about the things I want to talk to her about as also on the table is a Manager I really don’t know and I don’t want to cry in front of. Me being me I am usually on the verge of crying even happy and normal.

I feel that I have done some serious damage to myself to avoid the fear of being alone in the world. This is my biggest fear the one I can’t think straight about and tend to do stupid things to avoid.

Mr TA isn’t talking to me, I think he got spooked or I have done something to spook him. No text’s since Saturday, maybe I came on too strong maybe I didn’t but you know what I don’t have the fear to label something as a date when it is. Gutted doesn’t come close to be fair, I like him as a person and a friend and while I feel it a massive shame that there might not be a romantic element it is such a shame to throw away such a good friendship, I miss his counsel, advice and laughter. Once again I have caused this and it really doesn’t  make me think kindly of myself to know I might have caused him distress.

What is it that makes me go so crazy in the fear of being alone in this world? I am told repeatedly that you have to love yourself first before someone else can love you. I agree with this and mostly I do think I am an OK person. Now, I know what you are thinking that thinking I am an OK guy and loving myself are 2 very different things. How can I love myself when I cause others upset and let people down.

My mother is having a rough time of it, shouldn’t I have seen this, having been there before myself. Shouldn’t I have called more often and visited more. I am a bad son, I love my Mother and Father very much and we are very close, I am not as nice to them as they are to me.

Jen, I have called her a lot recently and she takes my calls and spends hours on the phone talking me through whatever crisis (really?) is befalling me at the time. She always puts me first and she is wonderful. Last night she didn’t answer her phone and I just assumed she was busy with her family but then later in the evening I got a message. She wasn’t good and was struggling. I must be some prize cunt not to see that maybe it wasn’t ass rosy for her as I unloaded all my stuff on to her and she took it and advised me on my life. Seriously,  who am I? I don’t even recall me asking how she was the other day when I was on the phone, why do I not do that. I let a friend down and wasn’t there when I should have been.

This isn’t about me and I am not conceited in that way. I am trying to analyse why I am being the way I am to improve myself and be a better friend to these wonderful people.

I have gone from saying what a wonderful, great, amazing and strong person I am to being a complete twat in the space of a couple of weeks because I got so wrapped up in me that I didn’t see what is happening around me.

Luckily Saz, my friend I am sitting opposite, helped me sort out my head about work before the Manager got on train so at least I got something out.

Here I am still on the train and thinking what a self centred twat I am being still writing this, when I should be calling or texting my friends to see how they are and trying to be a better friend to them. Maybe I don’t deserve this life and these people, they certainly deserve better than me.

As for Mr TA, maybe I don’t deserve him, maybe it isn’t right, maybe it wasn’t meant to be anything other than what it was. Maybe I will never know but for now I will leave him to it and see what happens.

I need to refocus my life, on the people around me and trying to find something in me I love.

I would really appreciate you comments and suggestions.

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Choices and Labels

Good Morning!

It is a rather wet morning, I have decided to use my 4 hours commuting time to blog. The last blog I wrote had a deep impact on me as I was positive about myself, something I don’t do that often.

I had a text conversation with….I don’t know what to call him. The labels part of the title coming in earlier than I had thought it would. Why does everything have to have a label? Well I know why, it is to make us comfortable with whatever it is, so it fits into a box and we can recognise and deal with it. We all do it, I am terrible for it.

What I would like to do is be able to just go with the flow and all but I find myself having to give something a label. So, I am going to make a concerted effort to not label anything for the rest of the week and….you guessed it, go with the flow. I’ll let you know how I get on.

Going back to the previous, I suppose Mr TA and I are hanging out, dating is too stronger word…yes, hanging out is the best word that I can think of. Any way we have this text conversation chewing the cud etc and then we get to the interesting bit.

Earlier in the day I had been asked to consider what I want to do career wise. Some background, I am currently on a secondment in a Project Team in the IT department. To be fair and honest I dam well love it. I get to use my brain and challenge myself. It feeds in to my favourite way of working. ‘Si, here is problem X, you have until date Y to get it solved, Go!’ Perfect for me, hate being micro managed and like to left to get it done. I like the team as well, we have a laugh and get through the hard work with laughter and support from each other. Do I want to go back to my old job? Hell no!

So me Mr TA, i’m ‘hanging out’ with seem to be in similar positions. At varying distances down the recovery-from-failed-relationship-path but facing the whole of our respective lives and a lot of choices coming our way. I mentioned that I have been guilty of thinking too far in the future and worrying about my retirement and not living in the here and now, the here and now is pretty brilliant for the most part, living conditions exempted obvs. He says something negative which is very unlike him and I caught myself surprised to be honest but reminded him where he is now is where he needs to be and that he has choices as well all do. This leads me on to think more about the choices facing me.

What do I want? I think it is pretty clear cut at the moment. However, the job is in London, I am based in the Midlands and I have a 4 hour commute. I have gotten used to this so it is OK. This then leads on to  my current situation with the ex-husband. I am being bought out of my flat this month and will be moving out. Whether I am renting or buying is a huge choice in itself and I am really on the fence with this one.

Renting, easy and quick to move, no commitment but can be a lot more expensive than a mortgage. Buying, takes longer but gives ultimate stability and is cheaper than renting. I can afford something half decent in OK areas but not as close as I want to be to my old work or the secondment. Then for some reason my brain flicks to the future and what I want to do. If a job does come out of this secondment it will be London. Mr TA lives in London. Buying is still an option as I can rent it out but renting will make me more flexible. What to do?

Do I even want to put myself forward and take on a career, I tried that once before and got seriously hurt and let down and it took me a long time to recover from it. My own insecurities will keep on the fence on this one but I have to say (steady your self reader, positivity in bound) I am doing dam well in this job, I have excelled and pushed myself way out of my comfort zone. In the early days I was struggling with all the self doubt and almost gave in to it but I pushed and the reward was so worth it.

Here I am at the age of 40 with what seems like an almost clean slate and the whole of my future ahead of me and totally in my hands. Part of me is excited and part of me is scared and afraid, which I think is normal, I think it wouldn’t be normal to have some sort of fear. I suppose the biggest fear is making the wrong decisions but I think that is life, you have to try don’t you.

The end of marriage, whilst the worst thing I have ever been through, has led me to this moment in my life. The realisation hit me a few minutes ago as we pulled out of Coventry, this is when it all changes. A tear welled  in my eye and I had to hold myself  and I don’t know why? Was it because it was the end of an era of my life? Or that I will soon move out of the home I had with my Ex?  Fear for the future? I think it was a mix of sadness, release, relief and hope. A moment of clarity as watched the rain run down the window of the train, feeling the tear roll down my cheek.

Rain

If I don’t put myself out there and at least try I never will, I will continue being alone and very unsatisfied in all areas of my life. Do I want Mr TA  in my life? I think I do but am happy for it to be nice, slow and steady as we both need it to be, it’s not all my choice and I don’t know what he wants but I’m along for the ride if nothing else (no labels lol).

The option of sad, lonely and miserable is not one I want to take. There is a better way to live and I have been given a second chance and I am going to dam well take it as best I can. The 40 years for good, the next 40 are going to fucking amazing!

Have an amazing day!

Si

 

 

 

 

 

Happiness and loneliness

Again it has been a while since I posted anything on here. There have been some highs and lows as I approach the one year anniversary of the demise of my 10 year relationship and 8 year marriage.

Sadly we are still living together seeing the ex move on with his new fella has been particularly hard, not because I want the ex back but because of the disrespect I have been shown in my own home but hopefully that will be rectified soon. This of course brings in its own anxieties. Living alone, which I have done before, is scary when you have been with someone for so long. You feel institutionalised by it, bound by the conventions and monetary implications. Living on your own is dam expensive. Still I am trying to be brave and take on a mortgage on my own and make a house and home for myself.

Dating, well, there have been some amazing moments. The lovely Pete, bought me a wonderful dinner in a proper posh restaurant then we walked around holding hands and kissing in public!!! I’m not one for public displays of affection but it felt right so went with it. Then of course life happens, he caught flu, work and life got busy and I was asked for a postponement of activities. Said he’d be in touch in a few weeks…it’s been 3. Not a peep. Could all have been a line, only time will tell. I’d really like to hear from this one, he got under my skin.

Then I meet someone I haven’t seen in 15 years or so, the excitement of physically being with someone I have fancied for a very very long time. We enjoyed each other’s company and oh my gay god it was amazing! Like literally amazing! There is me thinking it is just that, physical, but we hang out and have days out and it’s nice. More emotionally repressed and shy about emotions etc. There is a couple of stop overs and it is nice but where do I stand? No clue. Minor bunny boiler moment but he is still around but have no clue where if anywhere it is heading. I wouldn’t even say we are seeing each other in any informal or formal way but it’s nice to go along with the ride.

If I’m honest I got a little obsessed about being with someone. What for? Not long before the ‘Pete incident’, I was getting my head around being happy with myself, in my own company. Not just reaching out to anyone, the wrong people, just to stave off being alone. Loneliness was killing me, OK it wasn’t but it felt like it was. Lying on the sofa alone, no attention span to watch TV hoping that my phone would rumble to signify a text or WhatsApp. All I achieved was just to annoy people and probably drive some men away. #lifelessons

So, I talked at great length to my wonderful friends and found things that helped.

1. Forcing myself to spend time alone and do something I enjoyed.

2. Start a distraction hobby or activity.

3. Keep busy with the ‘stuff’ of life.

The first one went relatively well and I stopped looking at my phone, putting it on the other sofa so I couldn’t easily get at it. I would force myself to be in the moment and watch a film or TV show. But you can only do so much.

The second was fun, I taught myself how to knit and I’ve been knitting ever since. It’s great for passing the time and distracting from the crap that is going on around. It’s also nice to sit and listen to an audio book whilst knitting, very relaxing. So far I have made a couple of scarfs and some squares for a blanket I am making for the cold winters ahead when I can’t afford heating.

The stuff of life, by this I mean the gym, learning to ride my motorbike and seeing my friends. These things I think we all put to the side when we meet people and get excited about what the future might be. I wasn’t even seeing someone officially and I was thinking about moving this stuff out of the way. I am a fool and you are right to be shaming your heads at me. #shamed

It has taken me a while but I think I just need to crack on with my own life and make the best of it. I need to divorce, move, set up a new home, carry on building a future career and learn, pass and gain a full motorbike licence but more importantly I need to love myself because I am dam worthy of it. The man I meet will have to fit around me, I don’t want to cancel things and just become a non-person who is just with someone because they are terrified about being on their own.

Strange how like a drug love is. I would have literally give up everything to get back that warm and comfortable feeling I had, or thought I had before.

Maybe it will come again but I want to have that moment when I meet a man and my breath is literally taken away and I think that my heart is going to explode out of my chest with excitement and longing for a simple touch. The moment when you touch each other’s skin and a spark of electricity ricochets around every part of you. That first look deep into their eyes feels like a lifetime, you can you feel your very soul yearning but it is mere seconds. You have to catch yourself from falling into them there and then.

And I shall dam well have it. Loneliness is hard it’s dam hard but you can do it. Just be comfortable with you, enjoy you. It isn’t easy and I’m not saying every day I sit and smile, I don’t. Sometimes I sit and cry and think what is the point but I get myself out of it. I bake or knit or talk to a friend.

I’m a great guy. I know I struggle and make some bad decisions but deep down I know I don’t go out of my way to hurt people and usually try to help people where I can.

There is a certain little black woman, Lady J that will be so proud that I have said positive things about myself and put then out there in the world. I do love me and think I’m fairly great but there is always something to improve on and learn.

Soon you lovely and sexy people. X

The beginning of the end.

So it's been a while since I blogged and I feel that a lot has happened and I have had some set backs but also made some progress, well enough to warrant me rambling on again.

So a few weeks ago it was mine and the ex's 40th Birthday celebration. It was a joint do as we are both 40 within a week of each other. As we had split up I decided not to go especially as the ex was taking his new fella. Some of you are probably thinking that's a bit insensitive, some of you are probably thinking the party should have been cancelled and if he still wanted a party he should have made alternate arrangements. The ex thinks practically and not emotionally so didn't see the emotional attachment to that day and evening for me. The feeling was I was lifted out of the evening and my replacement was parachuted in.

To be fair I knew this was gonna happen and maybe I should have been insistent that the night be cancelled. I'll take my part in that.

That day I was at work in the morning and had planned to go to the cinema and have some food in the evening with a friend. Sadly that friend cancelled without really telling me seeing her do something else with someone else on Facebook and it pretty much threw me into an angry state of being. It had been pretty much brewing for a few days and this was just the beginning of the spiral and into anger and maybe not expressing as best as I could but my god it had to come out of me, there was no way I was going to internalise it.

So via a text message conversation about which cinema I was going to so the ex and the replacement didn't go to the same one. I told him my plans had been cancelled and long story short he said I could join them for the evening if I wanted to and should come along. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

That really tipped my over the edge, thankfully Mama Africa came the rescue and took me out for a walk to clear my head and calm me down. So my plan was then to just go home, take a Valium and go to sleep but during the walk from the train station I descended to the darkest of places.

Thinking or rather knowing I had been replaced and forgotten about and let down and hurt by a friend, I knew that I was in a destructive place. I got home and got my pills. I had 122 antidepressants left from my last breakdown and I had always kept them.

I knew I didn't want to do it but I was terrified, more than I had ever been and I text the one person I knew that would get me out of the this, Sar, the problem was she was out at the birthday party. I didn't want to burden Mama Africa further she had been so good already and didn't know what to do. Sar got me through the last one and talked me down, I just wants thinking.

I didn't call I just text and between her and another friend Kat who just happened to text me they got me down. At the time I didn't know that Sar had showed another friend at the party the messages and the ex had found out as the two friends had had a row. I assumed Sar had kept everything to herself maybe that was naive of me considering there was drink flowing.

I came round and all was….I want say OK….but that isn't true I wasn't. Mama Africa came round again on Sunday and she took my pills and flushed them. I sent apology emails to the 2 people at the party and while Sar got back to me and has been fine with me since. One hasn't not and I got a message telling me that my actions were vile and he needed a break from it all. (I have been accused on numerous occasions of bring them into them situation but factually I haven't, I leave that one at the ex's door).

Vile….that word stuck in my mind for days and caused a further crisis enough to make me go to doctor and ask about be sectioned but the doctor was horrendous and I wish I hadn't gone at all. My counsellor was good but still I was stuck on 'vile'. You know if I had really wanted to ruin that night I could have just turned up and had a slanging match with the ex.

Also would you really send that message to someone who had been in crisis the day before, I can understand the anger I really can, considering the person in question has also had similar crisis' I would have expected some thing less damaging. I regret my actions and the distress I caused and look forward to talking it through one day with him.

I'm not writing this to assign blame to anyone but having said that there was blame enough being sent my way for the and I quote 'ruining the whole evening'. I'll take the blame of questionable judgement in texting Sar and causing concern but when in crisis you don't exactly think straight. I'll take on the fact that I need to make amends for my actions. I may have lost a good friend through it which I will have to live with and the repercussions of my actions that night for a long time to come.

Me and the ex had a chat about it and made our peace and I said that he had no idea how much anger there is inside to get out. He was away and said we should talk when he got back.

This is the moment it all started to change. We had the conversation and I said everything that I wanted to say, knowing it would hurt and cause upset but I needed to see that, not in some vengeance thing but to see if I meant anything to him at all as I was replaced so quickly and with ease. What was said will always remain between us but I saw tears and I saw pain. I needed that.

It's time to move on.

That was a couple of weeks ago now, my 40th birthday passed by quietly and maybe I wasn't happy with it so I have resolved to have a big party next year to do it justice. I had a great day out with Mama Africa, Mad Kat and Twinny and I think I spent the whole day laughing which is just what I needed.

I've even had a night out with friends, that may not seem very much or big but, dear readers, it fucking well is for me with social anxiety. Lol. In fact the night lasted till 5am and was a giggle, even saw someone who hates me very much that I had been dreading. There was no ex safety blanket so I thought 'Fuck it, I've got as much right to be here and if you want to waste your night glaring at me then go right ahead'. May not seem much but a confidence boost for me.

So an eventful few weeks, there are some things I deeply regret and will have to live with the consequences but there were some mini mountains climbed.

I sit here on a train writing this blog and there is a genuine feeling of happiness and excitement for the future. Still some big hurdles to come and still some anxiety over some lost friendships. However I know I will be alright and I have a life to live which is gonna be full of fun and laughs. One thing I take from the last few months is just how wonderful my friends have been. Some truly lovely things have been said about me and why people like to be around me. I am very humbled and very honoured.

I am also meeting a man for a coffee on Tuesday. Eek! Too soon, is it? What's the time frame? Surely if it feels right?

First and foremost, climbing Snowdon tomorrow with Twinny.

Si

A new day, brings reflections and lessons.

So my post from yesterday has bothered me as I wrote it when I was exhausted dealing with a mate that is struggling with life and to be fair I had to take some time yesterday. I hated saying that I needed some time to sleep and rest but I just couldn’t continue to take on someone elses stuff when I am not in the best state. 

At least after a good nights sleep I can sit and reflect on what has happened this weekend with objectivity and a sense of humour, something I was lacking in yesterday. I am a firm believer that a sense of humour is needed in all things in life simply because if you don’t laugh you may just fold and that would be that. I laugh at myself a lot and I laugh at what my life has become more and more. Don’t roll your eyes and say that can be destructive and harmful but to me it is a way of coping. 

My mate and his issues and trying to stop him killing himself was a big chunk of what went wrong this weekend, not only the night it happened but the negativity that flowed following it. As I said above I had to take some time yesterday to reset and centre. Had a few conversations on Sunday which really helped me out with Ginge and Mad Kat, to say I have the best friends is an understatement, they knew just what I needed and despite lying to one of them they still have my back. 

Lesson to learn 1 – Don’t give everything of yourself to others, keep something back for you. 

Now dear reader I want to go back to something you probably picked up, I lied to a friend, a friend that is amazing. Late on Friday me and Ginge were talking via text and he asked what I was up to the weekend and I embellished my plans when in reality I didn’t have all that many if any at all in reality. I think I may have even lied to you dear readers and worst of all, myself. 

Why did I feel the need to do that? I know why but can you guess? I don’t want people to feel sorry for Billy no mates, I don’t want to go round asking my friends for them to entertain me, when they have their own plans and lives to lead. Then there is the though I have that they are only doing it to be nice and they really don’t want to say yes and go anywhere with me, I think this because I don’t see myself as not worthy. I have been put straight in this by Ginge and Mad Kat. We now have plans to go camping and do stuff in the coming days and months.

Lesson to learn 2 – Don’t lie to your true friends, they won’t judge and will do all they can to help. 

Lesson to learn 3 – You are worthy and people really want to be around you. 

Sex – there I said it, shock horror, yes dear reader this might get a little be risqué. Don’t worry I won’t be explicit as no one wants to hear about a 39 years old gay and his sexual disasters. So to start I was talking to this guy who mistook me for someone else and a long story short we met up on Saturday lunchtime. I was thinking coffee and a chat and that’s that, he was a bit forward and confidant which is OK but in moderation. We needed up sitting in lay by with a McDonalds milkshake (not something I will be doing again, oh and I detected that fine dining for him was a Five Guys), talking about mostly him, he actually never asked a single question about me which was very very annoying. He dropped me back off at the train station and I headed into town and home. 

Feeling a little down I went to a gay bar for a quite drink and ended up in a guys hotel room not being satisfied and then going home feeling crap about myself and what I had done. Now that is bad enough but I ended up getting the guy I had met for the milkshake over in the middle of the night for a shag. This is where his confidence and buster about his love making was put to the test and I really don’t know why I asked him over, I knew I was never gonna see this guy again. Another very fucking long story short, it wasn’t great, I played my part I was shattered and tense but his rep was not deserved at all. Again felt really crap and very very cheap, that I had once again traded on my self respect to scratch an itch….I polished of a pack of biscuits to make me feel better about myself…it didn’t.

Lesson to learn 4 – Have some fucking self respect and love yourself, no ones gonna love you until you love yourself. 

Finally we come to my new friends or so called new friends. These are people have I been trying to cultivate new friendships with since the split, you know, people to hang out at the cinema with, coffees and drinks in the evening and so on. One of them is Badboi, he is lush, we have shagged in the past. I am a bit obsessed with him in all fairness, he is gorgeous and chased me for a while, always getting knocked back. He has been round a few times and we have watched some films and chilled but now I seem to be doing all the chasing and that is annoying. 

Another guy messaged me the other day saying be cool to have a cycle buddy and new friends and I though cool. I said I was in town and said if he wanted a coffee let me know. He said yeah and get back to me when he would be there. I was already in a coffee shop writing a blog for the other day, I never heard anything from him at all. I just sat there waiting again trading on my self worth, I did come to my senses and just thought to myself ‘Why am I just sitting here like a lemon’, I am not waiting around for everyone elses timetables to live my life they can get in mine if they want to be in it. 

Lesson to Learn 5 – Don’t put your life on hold for others, if they want to spend time with you they can come to you. 

Does that sound harsh, do any of the lessons? I have to protect myself and live the way I want to. 

Well I’m going to go and learn these lessons and start to try and value myself. My action plan for the week is as follows 

1. No texting the ‘new friends’ unless they text you for the week. 

2. Spend some time building up some self worth.

3. Be healthy, eat healthy and get some good sleep.

4. Make some plans for the future. 

Hope you have a great week dear readers! 

Si

A week in the forest!

Hi peeps,

This week I’m spending a week in a forest with my friends but sadly not my husband. He sadly got very late notice that with his new job he would be unable to come with us. I was not very happy at this news as it had been planned and paid for a year in advance!

So I’m here with the other 3 people we were coming with and we are having a good time. I don’t know if you have ever experienced a Centre Parcs break but they are fab. It’s basically lodges that’s are different sizes and qualities in a forest. Lots of nature around you, with woodland creatures all around. I will say that Centre Parcs are very responsible and do look after the forest and use it very carefully!

Now back to the Hubby thing. I didn’t want to actually come without him but I also didn’t want to let my friends down as this is kind of turning into a year fun filled week. I feel a bit bad having a good time without Hubby knowing he is at work and on his own. Feel like I’m being unfair having fun and laughing all week long when he is not here. I even cried a few times as I’m missing him like crazy. I know he wants me to enjoy myself and have fun but is it sad to miss him like crazy?

Is it odd or really good that all I can think of is that ‘Hubby would love this’. We have done some great things this week, archery, clay pigeon shooting and tomorrow we get to play with crossbows! I know what your thinking, all these things will kill people, who are these crazy peeps! Lol

I think is a great thing to miss him so much it is strange, like my left arm is missing! We actually got on to talking about marriage etc and how you know to have met the ‘one’. All I can say on the matter is what my mother said to me when I asked the question, How do I know I have met the One? She said you just know and as odd and as unbelievable as it sounds you just do. We ended up proposing to each other in a month and living together within 3 months the rest is history. All I will ever say is love is love, whatever form it takes embrace it for the right reasons. You will know when it comes along and it will take over your life in the best possible way until it is no longer there. It’s simply wonderful!

Sorry, I’m little bit off topic, just missing my man like crazy!

Back in the forest……the nature is all around us. We even had baby Dears coming up to the lodge with loads of rabbits bouncing around the place. It’s such a relaxing place to come and chill and not to far to go. But some of the people…..things you see when you don’t have a shot gun is all I’m saying!

Coming away with 2 other gays and an amazing friend has done me the world of good. I simply haven’t stopped laughing all week, just wish Hubby was here!

Enough now, I know I never stick to the topic but I just start rambling, hope you have enjoyed reading it and sorry for any iPad auto-corrects!

Hope you enjoy reading, have included a photo, not the best weather to be honest but we are having fun!

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Love

So it’s been a while since my last blog! The usual over worked and unpaid blah blah blah!

I have a question for you all. Is it possible to love too much?

This has so many answers, I think it would be impossible to answer in one blog alone. I didn’t think it was but the old saying sticks in my head, ‘Love is blind’.

To me the definition of love between me and His Lordship is basically that I don’t think I could live without him. That being without him would be like loosing an arm or a leg, my heart, I believe would simply break. This leads me on to the belief that you can die of a broken heart. All I have ever wanted is a love like that of parents. Once my dad went away for a week for his work leaving mum behind on her own. Whilst she never really showed anything outwardly I knew she missed him something chronic. The day my Dad returned I was at home and he was waited for my mum to come home from work. He couldn’t wait for her to come in the door and went to meet her at the bus stop and they were like teenagers and the tears where flowing. This to me is love, where you become so entwined with someone you simply can’t live without them. We have heard of a devoted couple where ones dies and a few days/weeks later the other passes on for no discern-able reason.

Love is blind when is comes to love that is destructive and cruel. The fear of being alone is another I have witnessed and I have to say I have seen people be dam miserable but they fear being alone so much they are willing to stay in a destructive relationship. Is this love? Is it love when you go back to someone that has beat the other?

Is it possible to love more than one person at a time? I know we all love lots of people but what I mean is it possible to love two people in a relationship kind of way. Is one love and the other lust? I personally believe that is what it is, I believe you can only love one person at a time. Maybe that’s just my perception of it.

To me love is the most wonderful thing in the world but it is also the most destructive.

Makes you think?

S