Struggling to hold back the tears

I am currently on the train to work. I am sat opposite one of my best friends and I can’t talk to her about the things I want to talk to her about as also on the table is a Manager I really don’t know and I don’t want to cry in front of. Me being me I am usually on the verge of crying even happy and normal.

I feel that I have done some serious damage to myself to avoid the fear of being alone in the world. This is my biggest fear the one I can’t think straight about and tend to do stupid things to avoid.

Mr TA isn’t talking to me, I think he got spooked or I have done something to spook him. No text’s since Saturday, maybe I came on too strong maybe I didn’t but you know what I don’t have the fear to label something as a date when it is. Gutted doesn’t come close to be fair, I like him as a person and a friend and while I feel it a massive shame that there might not be a romantic element it is such a shame to throw away such a good friendship, I miss his counsel, advice and laughter. Once again I have caused this and it really doesn’t  make me think kindly of myself to know I might have caused him distress.

What is it that makes me go so crazy in the fear of being alone in this world? I am told repeatedly that you have to love yourself first before someone else can love you. I agree with this and mostly I do think I am an OK person. Now, I know what you are thinking that thinking I am an OK guy and loving myself are 2 very different things. How can I love myself when I cause others upset and let people down.

My mother is having a rough time of it, shouldn’t I have seen this, having been there before myself. Shouldn’t I have called more often and visited more. I am a bad son, I love my Mother and Father very much and we are very close, I am not as nice to them as they are to me.

Jen, I have called her a lot recently and she takes my calls and spends hours on the phone talking me through whatever crisis (really?) is befalling me at the time. She always puts me first and she is wonderful. Last night she didn’t answer her phone and I just assumed she was busy with her family but then later in the evening I got a message. She wasn’t good and was struggling. I must be some prize cunt not to see that maybe it wasn’t ass rosy for her as I unloaded all my stuff on to her and she took it and advised me on my life. Seriously,  who am I? I don’t even recall me asking how she was the other day when I was on the phone, why do I not do that. I let a friend down and wasn’t there when I should have been.

This isn’t about me and I am not conceited in that way. I am trying to analyse why I am being the way I am to improve myself and be a better friend to these wonderful people.

I have gone from saying what a wonderful, great, amazing and strong person I am to being a complete twat in the space of a couple of weeks because I got so wrapped up in me that I didn’t see what is happening around me.

Luckily Saz, my friend I am sitting opposite, helped me sort out my head about work before the Manager got on train so at least I got something out.

Here I am still on the train and thinking what a self centred twat I am being still writing this, when I should be calling or texting my friends to see how they are and trying to be a better friend to them. Maybe I don’t deserve this life and these people, they certainly deserve better than me.

As for Mr TA, maybe I don’t deserve him, maybe it isn’t right, maybe it wasn’t meant to be anything other than what it was. Maybe I will never know but for now I will leave him to it and see what happens.

I need to refocus my life, on the people around me and trying to find something in me I love.

I would really appreciate you comments and suggestions.

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Starting to exhale

Last night was the start of something I have been known is coming for quite some time.

It came about from my last counselling session which was a while back. With all that has gone on in the last year with the marriage/relationship going down the toilet. The crap that living with your ex brings. Self doubt issues , self worth issues and abject fear. I have managed to keep a lid, mostly, on all of this but I always knew it was building up inside me. Dangerous? Not very wise? You are dam right but try as hard as I might I have been unable to vent it in a safe place.

I have had low moments and it has surfaced but these have been in the wrong place or with the wrong people. Once at home with the ex around and there was no way I wanted him to see it. Once at work and that definitely wasn’t happening. Each and every time I have pushed it down, the last time, the instance at work, took every bit of energy I had to push it back down and it left me scared and exhausted. I’ve always tried to build up the wall keeping it back but I know it has to come.

Last night part of it did and I was home alone. It was the right time and I let it happen.

It started after a thought. A thought that shouldn’t have had the reaction that it did. It started with a feeling of joy, ‘This is almost over’ in reference to my living arrangements. Which led on to the thought that my life will start again in earnest with all the choices and possibilities that are out there for me.

I was confused as what started as a positive thought started to turn and the tears started. I could feel it, waves of pure deep emotion, undetermined emotions heading my way. I had nothing left to stop them and I decided it was time. Instinct kicked in and before I knew it I was on the phone to Jen. She knew this was gonna happen. She stayed with me throughout and guided me.

The emotions hit with such power that I lost my breath. I sat down on my bed, She talking to me and the waves of long suppressed emotions, thoughts and fears hit me. My breathing went shallow and I struggled to get enough air, I went light headed. I let it happen. Thoughts were racing through me, ‘it’s not your fault’, ‘you are not a horrible person’, ‘you deserve happiness’ and ‘it’s ok, it gonna be ok’. What were these thoughts? Where were they coming from?

They were coming from in me, I was saying these things. They were coming out of the emotional deluge I was struggling to make sense of. Could I have been suppressing the very thoughts that would have get me through the dark days? Wow! Am sure there was a mix in there but simply, Wow! It was fighting for myself in a way that I have never done before.

I was still struggling to breath with the over whelming raw power of the emotions coming from deep within me. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth to bring some control back to it, this whilst good it was not sustainable. It didn’t feel wrong to fight it back it was as enough for the time being. It’s like emotionally I had held my breath for 11 months and I need to let it out. Last night I exhaled.

I could hear Jen’s voice saying the right things and the comforting words. I knew I would be alright in the here and now and in the future. I have been very lucky to have been surrounded by so many wonderful people in the last year. I wouldn’t change it for the anything, maybe I would do things differently yes but I not change anything.

I consider myself lucky for what has happened to me because it has made be stronger and I have a thirst for something new, a better life with all the things I deserve.

I am too strong to fail!

I can do all I need to do!

I am not afraid of the future!

I am not afraid of being who I am cause who I am is dam well amazing!

Life is out there and I’m going to dam well grab it by the balls and squeeze it hard!

Choices and Labels

Good Morning!

It is a rather wet morning, I have decided to use my 4 hours commuting time to blog. The last blog I wrote had a deep impact on me as I was positive about myself, something I don’t do that often.

I had a text conversation with….I don’t know what to call him. The labels part of the title coming in earlier than I had thought it would. Why does everything have to have a label? Well I know why, it is to make us comfortable with whatever it is, so it fits into a box and we can recognise and deal with it. We all do it, I am terrible for it.

What I would like to do is be able to just go with the flow and all but I find myself having to give something a label. So, I am going to make a concerted effort to not label anything for the rest of the week and….you guessed it, go with the flow. I’ll let you know how I get on.

Going back to the previous, I suppose Mr TA and I are hanging out, dating is too stronger word…yes, hanging out is the best word that I can think of. Any way we have this text conversation chewing the cud etc and then we get to the interesting bit.

Earlier in the day I had been asked to consider what I want to do career wise. Some background, I am currently on a secondment in a Project Team in the IT department. To be fair and honest I dam well love it. I get to use my brain and challenge myself. It feeds in to my favourite way of working. ‘Si, here is problem X, you have until date Y to get it solved, Go!’ Perfect for me, hate being micro managed and like to left to get it done. I like the team as well, we have a laugh and get through the hard work with laughter and support from each other. Do I want to go back to my old job? Hell no!

So me Mr TA, i’m ‘hanging out’ with seem to be in similar positions. At varying distances down the recovery-from-failed-relationship-path but facing the whole of our respective lives and a lot of choices coming our way. I mentioned that I have been guilty of thinking too far in the future and worrying about my retirement and not living in the here and now, the here and now is pretty brilliant for the most part, living conditions exempted obvs. He says something negative which is very unlike him and I caught myself surprised to be honest but reminded him where he is now is where he needs to be and that he has choices as well all do. This leads me on to think more about the choices facing me.

What do I want? I think it is pretty clear cut at the moment. However, the job is in London, I am based in the Midlands and I have a 4 hour commute. I have gotten used to this so it is OK. This then leads on to  my current situation with the ex-husband. I am being bought out of my flat this month and will be moving out. Whether I am renting or buying is a huge choice in itself and I am really on the fence with this one.

Renting, easy and quick to move, no commitment but can be a lot more expensive than a mortgage. Buying, takes longer but gives ultimate stability and is cheaper than renting. I can afford something half decent in OK areas but not as close as I want to be to my old work or the secondment. Then for some reason my brain flicks to the future and what I want to do. If a job does come out of this secondment it will be London. Mr TA lives in London. Buying is still an option as I can rent it out but renting will make me more flexible. What to do?

Do I even want to put myself forward and take on a career, I tried that once before and got seriously hurt and let down and it took me a long time to recover from it. My own insecurities will keep on the fence on this one but I have to say (steady your self reader, positivity in bound) I am doing dam well in this job, I have excelled and pushed myself way out of my comfort zone. In the early days I was struggling with all the self doubt and almost gave in to it but I pushed and the reward was so worth it.

Here I am at the age of 40 with what seems like an almost clean slate and the whole of my future ahead of me and totally in my hands. Part of me is excited and part of me is scared and afraid, which I think is normal, I think it wouldn’t be normal to have some sort of fear. I suppose the biggest fear is making the wrong decisions but I think that is life, you have to try don’t you.

The end of marriage, whilst the worst thing I have ever been through, has led me to this moment in my life. The realisation hit me a few minutes ago as we pulled out of Coventry, this is when it all changes. A tear welled  in my eye and I had to hold myself  and I don’t know why? Was it because it was the end of an era of my life? Or that I will soon move out of the home I had with my Ex?  Fear for the future? I think it was a mix of sadness, release, relief and hope. A moment of clarity as watched the rain run down the window of the train, feeling the tear roll down my cheek.

Rain

If I don’t put myself out there and at least try I never will, I will continue being alone and very unsatisfied in all areas of my life. Do I want Mr TA  in my life? I think I do but am happy for it to be nice, slow and steady as we both need it to be, it’s not all my choice and I don’t know what he wants but I’m along for the ride if nothing else (no labels lol).

The option of sad, lonely and miserable is not one I want to take. There is a better way to live and I have been given a second chance and I am going to dam well take it as best I can. The 40 years for good, the next 40 are going to fucking amazing!

Have an amazing day!

Si

 

 

 

 

 

Happiness and loneliness

Again it has been a while since I posted anything on here. There have been some highs and lows as I approach the one year anniversary of the demise of my 10 year relationship and 8 year marriage.

Sadly we are still living together seeing the ex move on with his new fella has been particularly hard, not because I want the ex back but because of the disrespect I have been shown in my own home but hopefully that will be rectified soon. This of course brings in its own anxieties. Living alone, which I have done before, is scary when you have been with someone for so long. You feel institutionalised by it, bound by the conventions and monetary implications. Living on your own is dam expensive. Still I am trying to be brave and take on a mortgage on my own and make a house and home for myself.

Dating, well, there have been some amazing moments. The lovely Pete, bought me a wonderful dinner in a proper posh restaurant then we walked around holding hands and kissing in public!!! I’m not one for public displays of affection but it felt right so went with it. Then of course life happens, he caught flu, work and life got busy and I was asked for a postponement of activities. Said he’d be in touch in a few weeks…it’s been 3. Not a peep. Could all have been a line, only time will tell. I’d really like to hear from this one, he got under my skin.

Then I meet someone I haven’t seen in 15 years or so, the excitement of physically being with someone I have fancied for a very very long time. We enjoyed each other’s company and oh my gay god it was amazing! Like literally amazing! There is me thinking it is just that, physical, but we hang out and have days out and it’s nice. More emotionally repressed and shy about emotions etc. There is a couple of stop overs and it is nice but where do I stand? No clue. Minor bunny boiler moment but he is still around but have no clue where if anywhere it is heading. I wouldn’t even say we are seeing each other in any informal or formal way but it’s nice to go along with the ride.

If I’m honest I got a little obsessed about being with someone. What for? Not long before the ‘Pete incident’, I was getting my head around being happy with myself, in my own company. Not just reaching out to anyone, the wrong people, just to stave off being alone. Loneliness was killing me, OK it wasn’t but it felt like it was. Lying on the sofa alone, no attention span to watch TV hoping that my phone would rumble to signify a text or WhatsApp. All I achieved was just to annoy people and probably drive some men away. #lifelessons

So, I talked at great length to my wonderful friends and found things that helped.

1. Forcing myself to spend time alone and do something I enjoyed.

2. Start a distraction hobby or activity.

3. Keep busy with the ‘stuff’ of life.

The first one went relatively well and I stopped looking at my phone, putting it on the other sofa so I couldn’t easily get at it. I would force myself to be in the moment and watch a film or TV show. But you can only do so much.

The second was fun, I taught myself how to knit and I’ve been knitting ever since. It’s great for passing the time and distracting from the crap that is going on around. It’s also nice to sit and listen to an audio book whilst knitting, very relaxing. So far I have made a couple of scarfs and some squares for a blanket I am making for the cold winters ahead when I can’t afford heating.

The stuff of life, by this I mean the gym, learning to ride my motorbike and seeing my friends. These things I think we all put to the side when we meet people and get excited about what the future might be. I wasn’t even seeing someone officially and I was thinking about moving this stuff out of the way. I am a fool and you are right to be shaming your heads at me. #shamed

It has taken me a while but I think I just need to crack on with my own life and make the best of it. I need to divorce, move, set up a new home, carry on building a future career and learn, pass and gain a full motorbike licence but more importantly I need to love myself because I am dam worthy of it. The man I meet will have to fit around me, I don’t want to cancel things and just become a non-person who is just with someone because they are terrified about being on their own.

Strange how like a drug love is. I would have literally give up everything to get back that warm and comfortable feeling I had, or thought I had before.

Maybe it will come again but I want to have that moment when I meet a man and my breath is literally taken away and I think that my heart is going to explode out of my chest with excitement and longing for a simple touch. The moment when you touch each other’s skin and a spark of electricity ricochets around every part of you. That first look deep into their eyes feels like a lifetime, you can you feel your very soul yearning but it is mere seconds. You have to catch yourself from falling into them there and then.

And I shall dam well have it. Loneliness is hard it’s dam hard but you can do it. Just be comfortable with you, enjoy you. It isn’t easy and I’m not saying every day I sit and smile, I don’t. Sometimes I sit and cry and think what is the point but I get myself out of it. I bake or knit or talk to a friend.

I’m a great guy. I know I struggle and make some bad decisions but deep down I know I don’t go out of my way to hurt people and usually try to help people where I can.

There is a certain little black woman, Lady J that will be so proud that I have said positive things about myself and put then out there in the world. I do love me and think I’m fairly great but there is always something to improve on and learn.

Soon you lovely and sexy people. X

40 year old goes out and Christmas adventures.

So it has been a while since my last blog and I have been thinking about 3 different blogs to write over the festive period. So here I am trying to combine everything that has happened in the last few weeks into one probably immensely boring blog.

So a few weeks ago  I started going out and trying to be more sociable and get my confidence up. I have made some mates and been going out with them, I will change their names to protect their identity (not that anyone read this). Leon is a good mate to hang round and wants to be a fuck buddy but I have put him in the friends camp so that is off the table. Dayle is also a nice bloke and I won’t have a word said about him and we have hung out but he is a bit more of a scene queen that I am comfortable with. I have met their friends and its has been great to hang out and laugh. I have a mild social anxiety so it has been nice to go out and actually relax and chill.

Until the other week! Met up with Dayle and his mates and chilled but he was very flirty  and handsy which I was not overly comfortable with. Also met up with Leon and we all know each other. Got the feeling the Leon likes Dayle but Dayle likes me for some reason. There were glances around and looks that said ‘why are you talking to him, you should be with me and talking to me’. I might have been imagining this but it was feeding into my anxiety and I suddenly felt restless and worried. The hard work I had put in to relaxing myself undone in minutes. It was backed up later in the week when Dayle asked me a few times if me and Leon were seeing each other.

Why can’t people understand that it is OK to be single and I am happy as I am for now? Why is there some unwritten rule that a single gay man must be instantly taken out by the next man that flashes him the smallest hint of a smile.

So fast forward to this Saturday just gone, I decided I want a night out to celebrate the end of working for the Christmas break and I really didn’t want to be sat at home alone at the start of an 11 day period that I was worried about. I don’t do loneliness very well and it’s the first Christmas since me and the ex split up, after 10 years of huge joint family xmas’s this was going to be very different. The ex was with his new fella and his family so I was literally on my own on the run up and after. I seriously wished I could have cancelled my leave but it was too late.

I booked a hotel room and was determined to have a good night and not have to cut it short with last trains and all. Earlier in the day I glanced on Grindr and was chatting to someone in my past, Tony, had a bit of a conversation, mentioned I would be out and he said he would be as well. Another friend Matt said he would be out, I was hesitant with Matt as he I knew liked me and had previously had asked me out but at the time I was really not in the right frame of mind.

So there I was poised and ready to meet up with Leon and his mates and catch up with some of the people above. I was a bit too early so was sitting in a bar at the back and people watching when my pocket vibrated and Tony had messaged me through Grindr and we were only a few yards away from each other. He came over, we chatted, flirted and long story short, snogged each others face off. I don’t know what came over me, I have been so hesitant to be with anyone but this was something so different.

I had to leave to meet up with my other mates and Tony was out with his friend so we swapped numbers and told him to give me a shout before he went home. I hung out with Leon, had a bit of a giggle, had a drink with Matt and that was nice considering he is a biker as well. Saw Dayle but he was’t as warm as usual, Leon had told me he had asked if we were dating because we had been to the cinema together. Of course 2 gay men can’t just hangout, they obviously have to be sleeping together.

So the night was going well, then again a rumble in my pocket, Tony. Asking where I am, he comes to the bar I’m in. In-between I notice I had a missed call and a voicemail from Matt, telling me how much he likes me and wants to be mates and more but mates is ok. I am flattered but really not worthy of all this attention.

Then I see Tony, by the bar at the other side of the room, something inside me takes over. All I want to do is get over to him and as I stand before him I am intoxicated by him, intoxicated by his everything and before I know it I am millimetres away from him, saying hello, rubbing noses and move in for a fully reciprocated passionate kiss. I will spare you the details, he stayed with me and had a lovely night talking, sleeping in each others arms and remembering the past.

We now move on to Christmas Day, the day I was dreading, I was staying with my parents from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day but I knew I wouldn’t be in the best frame of minds. So there was I was lying in bed wishing I was alone and not having to go down the stairs where I knew my parents would be happy and jolly and trying to cheer me up. The worst thing in the world when you just want to disappear for the day. Downstairs I went passed some pleasantries and took up residence in my comfy recliner chair and started reading the news. There I saw that Sarah Millican had start a Twitter campaign for all those spending Christmas alone with the hashtag #joinin. The hardest thing for me is feeling alone in a room full of people, it is a hard one to explain but it is a killer to deal with. Maybe this could help, so I had a look.

I spent hours and hours on #joinin talking to people, reading their stories and trying to help them feel better about themselves. I shared my story and received some lovely messages from others in the same boat or worse. It really put things into perspective for me, others were in a far worse place and managing, what do I have to complain about. It was a humbling experience for me, I hope that my words might have helped others, I received a lot of positive responses. For me if I helped one person feel less alone then the whole day was worth it. This is social media at its best, this is also when the best of humanity can be seen and it is amazing. I will be joining in again next year.

The rest of the day was spent with my family having a different Christmas Day, it was subdued as my brother is struggling at the moment. The idea was had to play board games, something we haven’t done for a long time and it was brilliant. An old school Christmas Day with my family. Where were tears from us all as it has been a challenging year for us a family and the one thing we took away from the day was that we need to be around each other much more often. I love them all very deeply.

And finally….Boxing Day. This was a day I always spend doing nothing but eating and sleeping and watching films but I broke some many traditions…

  1. I wore outdoor clothes
  2. I showered
  3. I went outside
  4. I spoke to other people

…and it was all Tony’s fault. We had texted and we wanted to spend sometime before he went home to the deepest darkest ‘That There London’. So we spent the day talking, films, laughing, snogging and relaxing. Had a second Christmas lunch at the local pub and it was just so nice.

That brings us up to date.

So in summary, when did me, at the of 40 become a dick magnet? I am flattered but seriously I’m not all that. I must me maturing well into my looks. I haven’t even mentioned the hot South African bloke that tracked me down after a one night stand in a hotel room or the Dutch bloke from London. Xmas was expected to be hard going but it wasn’t and I am so pleased it wasn’t. Maybe there is a fella I want to spend some time with that can make me feel comfortable?

Who knows but I wasn’t expecting to be here, I was expecting to be at a Dr’s surgery begging for Anti-depressants and more Valium to get me through it.

I hope you all had a great xmas!

Dating….when is it right?

So, as you know dear readers that I have and am going through a recent marriage break up after 10 years together. So the question I want to ask you lovely people is when it is right to start dating again? To chance being naked with someone else again? To be kissed and I mean really kissed in the most intimate way you can between 2 people? Be hugged and spooned by someone else?

There are varying thoughts I have been given by others over the last few weeks and months, some saying get back on the horse straight away, others saying wait until it feels right and some that say it should be years before you can even thinking about dating again.

You might even be thinking why I am asking this question? Well if you are a keen reader of my blog and lets face it, why would you be it’s so dull. However you will know that my ex has already moved and got his myself a new relationship with a new man  and I really don’t know how he has done that so quickly. How he has detached his feelings and emotions and how he can intimate with someone already and so soon.

I have tried, I was talking to this one guy off one of the apps and he is a really lovely guy, really lovely I won’t and can’t say a say word against him. He has been single for a while and he was looking for more than just a shag. That is how is started out a shag and it was good, I though nothing more of it than that. Let’s face it we all have itches to scratch and let’s be clear about intimacy, intimacy between lovers is far deeper and more intense than just a quick fuck. We went shopping one day and chilled out but even that started with a shag. I thought fuck buddies or friends with benefits maybe. I had been clear from the start that I was after nothing serious and he knew fully the situation even commenting that he didn’t want to be anyone rebound etc.

So movie night came around and the long story short I went round to chill and watch films and it was nice. We had some food, chatted and chilled. Then it happened, he started leaning in for kisses and rested his hand on my hand and stroked it. I was freaked out and little well and lot but I kept it all on the inside. I removed my hand under the pretence of scratching my eye brow or something. It happened again, so what do you do say something or not? I didn’t want to lead anyone on so I had to say something and of course it made him keep awkward and uncomfortable.

I spent the night in the spare on as was the plan and then I got the whole, come in for a spoon if you want. I mean I was clear and I didn’t want to have to be rude so I got dressed and went downstairs. He came down looking forlorn and I didn’t really know what to say and long story short he dropped me back at the train station and that was that. A text followed the next day him apologising and sorry that it was awkward. He had no reason to apologise, well, maybe a little. He wants something I can’t give. I mean the hand on my hand I just freaked a little. Only one person has done that for 10 years.

So it follows the question, when is the right time! Is it 6 months? 9 months? A year? Why can one half of this situation move on in a few weeks and I am struggling to get my head round it. Does that mean I am still lingering in the past? Am I processing?

Full disclosure here though. I do talk to people and as I get lonely so go on apps and chat to people. Human contact and with the intention of making friends, new friends but most I have met and have started to form friendships with then cross the line. Tell me they have feelings for me and I yet again have to have a conversation about not being ready for that despite them already knowing this. It is getting annoying. I take it as a great compliment to be fair but why can’t people respect the line.

So any help or guidance you can give.

In my mind I will get passed this and begin to put it all behind. Then one day maybe sooner rather than later I will meet a bloke that will change my world and make me happier than ever before. Am I fooling myself?

Si

The Blame Game… you can’t win!

So dear reader as you know my marriage and relationship of ten years recently went down the crapper, see how I’m using humour now to get me through all the crap. Well lots of things get thrown around during these times. You did this, you could have done that, I did this and should have done that and so on. It hurts. It is painful and it sometimes isn’t helpful.

You’ll notice I said sometimes because I think it can be the most helpful thing to do.

Blame for blame sake, to make you feel better and try to score points against the other party isn’t very constructive or helpful. You can score a few points, make the other person feel bad and yourself better but take it from me it doesn’t last that long…so it really isn’t worth it.

I good blow out equal from both sides is however very good. I have had two such sessions with the ex and they have been very very useful to me. The first helped me get passed the whole ‘I’ve got a new fella’ thing and the second was more for the ex’s benefit but I had my say about a few things and both conversations/rows were helpful. I’m not going to go into details are these are personal things that exist between me and him.

One thing I will always say is that the relationship demise and ending was a 50/50 thing, I am to blame and he is to blame for certain things. I always think it was more me than him but that is just me and the way I am. I know and state for all eternity and enter it up to the universe and on this blog that no one reads, the relationship ended and it was right that it did and it was 50/50 on both parties. I accept this as fact and will spend no more time dwelling on this part of my past.

However, when it comes to blame the lines can get blurred by perception. Other peoples and our own. My perception on the whole thing is that he was such a nice guy then it must have been me that was in the wrong so I must be to blame. Taking a step back and understanding the facts and feelings behind things does tend to bring things back into focus. It is hard to truly understand feelings, after all feelings are very different from one person to the next. My feelings of anxiety and stress are at an extreme end of the scale as I have an anxiety disorder but a friend is so laid back and chilled in all aspects of life that his perception on anxiety is completely different. So how do you understand someone else’s emotion?

It is very difficult but just listen and take what they say at face value, if it someone you trust and know then this is easy but maybe for a stranger it is harder. Don’t just hear what they are saying, listen to them. To the way they form their words, say them and the pauses between them as they compose and think about the next sentence. Watch them, their body language, hands and gestures. Look them in the eye, as difficult as that may be and see what the whole message is. You may not get it totally but you might just pick up a few things that will hint towards the truth they are feeling.

Facts are easy they are the names, dates and situations but combine the facts and the feelings and what you thought was a truth has become blurred and you have to try and refocus the scene with the new information (feelings) that have come to light. It can the difference between ‘You are to blame for ruining my night out and you did it on purpose’ to ‘I played a part in that night and I didn’t understand just how hard that night was for you and maybe should have done things differently’. It’s never as clear cut as you think to just call someone out and tell them they are to blame for the situation/event. Even in the simplest of cases you still need to know what is behind the scenes.

It is sad that people do this but it is nature and understandable, I am sure friendships have been damaged or lost, relationships ruined or seriously eroded because of this. We all know what it is like in the heat of that moment, anger is coursing through your mind, adrenaline and cortisol pumping through your body looking thinking about whatever situation has unfolded and you want to lash out, to make someone hurt as much as you are hurting. It is the hardest thing in the world to bring yourself back from that but maybe just think, deep breathes, pause and wait for the adrenaline and cortisol to leave your system. Again I know just how impossible that can seem but you can do it, channel it to somewhere else, to something else. Breathe. Or at least walk away and calm down before being constructive.

The conversation I have had with the ex had been at first in the heat of the moment and things have been said that were not helpful. We realised that this wasn’t the time or the place for such conversation and agree and time we will both be around to in a safe place and time to talk these things through.

Other people perceptions those on the outside looking in are very different things, those not connected to the situation directly, those on social media, if you live you life online. These people will really never know the truth in the facts and feelings, they only see what you tell them and what they themselves can see. So these people make their minds and judgements up on what they have in front of them, what pictures and post from social media and the gossip they have heard. Blame or judgements are thrown around and they maybe less hurtful as these aren’t the closest of friends but if enough of these ‘friends’ make the wrong judgements and start gossiping and trading their opinions with others it can be damaging. It can even be perceived as if the other party in the row has been spreading things to their friends etc when this is not the case.

What you do about this….simple don’t live you entire life on social media….ironic that I am writing this on a blog? You don’t have to give it up but you don’t have to air your dirty linen in public, keep the stuff that can hurt others back and deal with it privately. Again this is the anger reflex, lash out, tell the world what a horrible person he/she is because they have done XYZ to you. You can’t take that back ever, sure you can delete the post but someone will have seen it, screen shot it and sent it on. These are the consequences of life on social media which is another reason why I have withdrawn from it all and life is just that little bit better.

This has been a long blog, I hope you are still with me, I don’t even know if this all makes sense and is useful to anyone. Still it’s my blog so I can write what I like. Just remember to take a moment in the heat of the moment and breathe, take and step back and find out what has really happened. I guarantee there is more to it maybe not that deep in some situation but in other it will be deeper than you know and maybe can deal with but give people a chance. It can lead to better understanding and relationships.

Si