The Blame Game… you can’t win!

So dear reader as you know my marriage and relationship of ten years recently went down the crapper, see how I’m using humour now to get me through all the crap. Well lots of things get thrown around during these times. You did this, you could have done that, I did this and should have done that and so on. It hurts. It is painful and it sometimes isn’t helpful.

You’ll notice I said sometimes because I think it can be the most helpful thing to do.

Blame for blame sake, to make you feel better and try to score points against the other party isn’t very constructive or helpful. You can score a few points, make the other person feel bad and yourself better but take it from me it doesn’t last that long…so it really isn’t worth it.

I good blow out equal from both sides is however very good. I have had two such sessions with the ex and they have been very very useful to me. The first helped me get passed the whole ‘I’ve got a new fella’ thing and the second was more for the ex’s benefit but I had my say about a few things and both conversations/rows were helpful. I’m not going to go into details are these are personal things that exist between me and him.

One thing I will always say is that the relationship demise and ending was a 50/50 thing, I am to blame and he is to blame for certain things. I always think it was more me than him but that is just me and the way I am. I know and state for all eternity and enter it up to the universe and on this blog that no one reads, the relationship ended and it was right that it did and it was 50/50 on both parties. I accept this as fact and will spend no more time dwelling on this part of my past.

However, when it comes to blame the lines can get blurred by perception. Other peoples and our own. My perception on the whole thing is that he was such a nice guy then it must have been me that was in the wrong so I must be to blame. Taking a step back and understanding the facts and feelings behind things does tend to bring things back into focus. It is hard to truly understand feelings, after all feelings are very different from one person to the next. My feelings of anxiety and stress are at an extreme end of the scale as I have an anxiety disorder but a friend is so laid back and chilled in all aspects of life that his perception on anxiety is completely different. So how do you understand someone else’s emotion?

It is very difficult but just listen and take what they say at face value, if it someone you trust and know then this is easy but maybe for a stranger it is harder. Don’t just hear what they are saying, listen to them. To the way they form their words, say them and the pauses between them as they compose and think about the next sentence. Watch them, their body language, hands and gestures. Look them in the eye, as difficult as that may be and see what the whole message is. You may not get it totally but you might just pick up a few things that will hint towards the truth they are feeling.

Facts are easy they are the names, dates and situations but combine the facts and the feelings and what you thought was a truth has become blurred and you have to try and refocus the scene with the new information (feelings) that have come to light. It can the difference between ‘You are to blame for ruining my night out and you did it on purpose’ to ‘I played a part in that night and I didn’t understand just how hard that night was for you and maybe should have done things differently’. It’s never as clear cut as you think to just call someone out and tell them they are to blame for the situation/event. Even in the simplest of cases you still need to know what is behind the scenes.

It is sad that people do this but it is nature and understandable, I am sure friendships have been damaged or lost, relationships ruined or seriously eroded because of this. We all know what it is like in the heat of that moment, anger is coursing through your mind, adrenaline and cortisol pumping through your body looking thinking about whatever situation has unfolded and you want to lash out, to make someone hurt as much as you are hurting. It is the hardest thing in the world to bring yourself back from that but maybe just think, deep breathes, pause and wait for the adrenaline and cortisol to leave your system. Again I know just how impossible that can seem but you can do it, channel it to somewhere else, to something else. Breathe. Or at least walk away and calm down before being constructive.

The conversation I have had with the ex had been at first in the heat of the moment and things have been said that were not helpful. We realised that this wasn’t the time or the place for such conversation and agree and time we will both be around to in a safe place and time to talk these things through.

Other people perceptions those on the outside looking in are very different things, those not connected to the situation directly, those on social media, if you live you life online. These people will really never know the truth in the facts and feelings, they only see what you tell them and what they themselves can see. So these people make their minds and judgements up on what they have in front of them, what pictures and post from social media and the gossip they have heard. Blame or judgements are thrown around and they maybe less hurtful as these aren’t the closest of friends but if enough of these ‘friends’ make the wrong judgements and start gossiping and trading their opinions with others it can be damaging. It can even be perceived as if the other party in the row has been spreading things to their friends etc when this is not the case.

What you do about this….simple don’t live you entire life on social media….ironic that I am writing this on a blog? You don’t have to give it up but you don’t have to air your dirty linen in public, keep the stuff that can hurt others back and deal with it privately. Again this is the anger reflex, lash out, tell the world what a horrible person he/she is because they have done XYZ to you. You can’t take that back ever, sure you can delete the post but someone will have seen it, screen shot it and sent it on. These are the consequences of life on social media which is another reason why I have withdrawn from it all and life is just that little bit better.

This has been a long blog, I hope you are still with me, I don’t even know if this all makes sense and is useful to anyone. Still it’s my blog so I can write what I like. Just remember to take a moment in the heat of the moment and breathe, take and step back and find out what has really happened. I guarantee there is more to it maybe not that deep in some situation but in other it will be deeper than you know and maybe can deal with but give people a chance. It can lead to better understanding and relationships.