A new day, brings reflections and lessons.

So my post from yesterday has bothered me as I wrote it when I was exhausted dealing with a mate that is struggling with life and to be fair I had to take some time yesterday. I hated saying that I needed some time to sleep and rest but I just couldn’t continue to take on someone elses stuff when I am not in the best state. 

At least after a good nights sleep I can sit and reflect on what has happened this weekend with objectivity and a sense of humour, something I was lacking in yesterday. I am a firm believer that a sense of humour is needed in all things in life simply because if you don’t laugh you may just fold and that would be that. I laugh at myself a lot and I laugh at what my life has become more and more. Don’t roll your eyes and say that can be destructive and harmful but to me it is a way of coping. 

My mate and his issues and trying to stop him killing himself was a big chunk of what went wrong this weekend, not only the night it happened but the negativity that flowed following it. As I said above I had to take some time yesterday to reset and centre. Had a few conversations on Sunday which really helped me out with Ginge and Mad Kat, to say I have the best friends is an understatement, they knew just what I needed and despite lying to one of them they still have my back. 

Lesson to learn 1 – Don’t give everything of yourself to others, keep something back for you. 

Now dear reader I want to go back to something you probably picked up, I lied to a friend, a friend that is amazing. Late on Friday me and Ginge were talking via text and he asked what I was up to the weekend and I embellished my plans when in reality I didn’t have all that many if any at all in reality. I think I may have even lied to you dear readers and worst of all, myself. 

Why did I feel the need to do that? I know why but can you guess? I don’t want people to feel sorry for Billy no mates, I don’t want to go round asking my friends for them to entertain me, when they have their own plans and lives to lead. Then there is the though I have that they are only doing it to be nice and they really don’t want to say yes and go anywhere with me, I think this because I don’t see myself as not worthy. I have been put straight in this by Ginge and Mad Kat. We now have plans to go camping and do stuff in the coming days and months.

Lesson to learn 2 – Don’t lie to your true friends, they won’t judge and will do all they can to help. 

Lesson to learn 3 – You are worthy and people really want to be around you. 

Sex – there I said it, shock horror, yes dear reader this might get a little be risqué. Don’t worry I won’t be explicit as no one wants to hear about a 39 years old gay and his sexual disasters. So to start I was talking to this guy who mistook me for someone else and a long story short we met up on Saturday lunchtime. I was thinking coffee and a chat and that’s that, he was a bit forward and confidant which is OK but in moderation. We needed up sitting in lay by with a McDonalds milkshake (not something I will be doing again, oh and I detected that fine dining for him was a Five Guys), talking about mostly him, he actually never asked a single question about me which was very very annoying. He dropped me back off at the train station and I headed into town and home. 

Feeling a little down I went to a gay bar for a quite drink and ended up in a guys hotel room not being satisfied and then going home feeling crap about myself and what I had done. Now that is bad enough but I ended up getting the guy I had met for the milkshake over in the middle of the night for a shag. This is where his confidence and buster about his love making was put to the test and I really don’t know why I asked him over, I knew I was never gonna see this guy again. Another very fucking long story short, it wasn’t great, I played my part I was shattered and tense but his rep was not deserved at all. Again felt really crap and very very cheap, that I had once again traded on my self respect to scratch an itch….I polished of a pack of biscuits to make me feel better about myself…it didn’t.

Lesson to learn 4 – Have some fucking self respect and love yourself, no ones gonna love you until you love yourself. 

Finally we come to my new friends or so called new friends. These are people have I been trying to cultivate new friendships with since the split, you know, people to hang out at the cinema with, coffees and drinks in the evening and so on. One of them is Badboi, he is lush, we have shagged in the past. I am a bit obsessed with him in all fairness, he is gorgeous and chased me for a while, always getting knocked back. He has been round a few times and we have watched some films and chilled but now I seem to be doing all the chasing and that is annoying. 

Another guy messaged me the other day saying be cool to have a cycle buddy and new friends and I though cool. I said I was in town and said if he wanted a coffee let me know. He said yeah and get back to me when he would be there. I was already in a coffee shop writing a blog for the other day, I never heard anything from him at all. I just sat there waiting again trading on my self worth, I did come to my senses and just thought to myself ‘Why am I just sitting here like a lemon’, I am not waiting around for everyone elses timetables to live my life they can get in mine if they want to be in it. 

Lesson to Learn 5 – Don’t put your life on hold for others, if they want to spend time with you they can come to you. 

Does that sound harsh, do any of the lessons? I have to protect myself and live the way I want to. 

Well I’m going to go and learn these lessons and start to try and value myself. My action plan for the week is as follows 

1. No texting the ‘new friends’ unless they text you for the week. 

2. Spend some time building up some self worth.

3. Be healthy, eat healthy and get some good sleep.

4. Make some plans for the future. 

Hope you have a great week dear readers! 

Si

Destructive behaviour

I am in a bit of a….I don’t want to say bad place….but I am not happy. A lot has happened this last few days in some respects and yet nothing has happened in others and I am left drained, tired and feeling low.

Lets start at the beginning, so a friend had a breakdown in their relationship and I have been trying to help him as they literally have no one else to turn to. Considering it’s only been about 7-8 weeks since my own ended I must seem as someone that knows what they are doing….I don’t, I just doing the best I can. So me being me I have tried to do all I can to help them through it but it has been a struggle and a drain for me and it took a very serious turn for the worse the other night. Long story short we caught it just in time and I spent hours on the phone getting them to a stable place. It has had a cost on me, I’m shattered, not sleeping and restless thinking about my friend and if they are safe.

Now flip it over to me, it’s my long weekend away from work and I have tried to make plans to keep myself busy but I have struggled. I had one plan but it fell through as my friend wasn’t well. So I have spent 3 days so far with nothing to do, wandering around the shops, watching telly and eating. I have been on some of the gay dating apps, not for hook ups to be clear but to try and meet some new friends and find people to hang out with and go on cycles with etc. Some initial conversations have been had but nothing really set in stone. There was a bloke the other day that said he would go cycling and why don’t we met for a coffee and see where it goes. Well, he kept me waiting and waiting despite saying he wouldn’t be long and I, like a lemon just sat there waiting, well I thought I shouldn’t be holding my life up for others and I should just get on with it. In the end I never heard back from him and he never showed up, what’s with that?

So the destructive behaviour starts, I am so scared of being alone and lonely that I will do anything to avoid it, meeting people and end up letting them come over late in the night to have awful sex and feel crap about myself. I am worth more than this and I am just clinging on to the ego boost I am getting from someone that is showing some form of attraction to me.

I wake up in the morning and think to myself shall I take my self out for the day and do something, which fills me with dread as I will be on my own. I try and make a plan with friends but it’s usually too late so end up eating being miserable and look on the apps for some form of contact, friends or something else I know I will regret.

I know this is in contrast to my post of the other day about choices but that still stands and I still stand by it, I am just making bad choices at times and I am sure we all do that. I am still trying to be positive about everything but this, loneliness, it’s something I find so very hard. I want to be busy and keep my self going. Maybe this weekend I just felt drained emotionally and physically due to concern and worry about my friend. Maybe I am giving too much of myself to others and neglecting myself.

Any advice as ever is gratefully received.

Si

Values

Good Morning!

So today I thought I would talk about something that was a bit of a revelation to me during one of my counselling sessions. It may seem a bit silly as I am sure we all know what values are and yes we do, I know what values are. They are the things we live our lives by but have you ever really sat down and thought about what you inner, personal ‘core’ values are? Well, as I mentioned I did such an exercise with my counsellor and later on I will share it with you but I have to say I learnt so much about myself in that hour, well maybe not all new things but certainly reaffirmed a few things for me.

I found it quite hard at first to think about my values, I mean I have always thought of myself as honest and someone who likes to enjoy what they do and have a laugh, but to try and make a list of the everything that I consider a value was quite daunting. Thankfully my counsellor handed my a piece of paper with a long list of of values on, it made it much easier. So I come back to the question, what is a value?

It is something you live you life by? Or something to you try or aim to live your life by? I mean when I say I listed truth as a value am I saying that I am always truthful, if I am honest then no I can’t say that but do I always try to be truthful with people then hell yes! So to me a value can be both something you live your life by and something you try your very best to achieve in life, in your dealings with people and family.

I am going to share the first part of the exercise I did with you, it’s aimed more at the work area of life but I think it bleeds into all parts of life, I hope it doesn’t actually break any copyrights or anything, it was given to me on a printed piece of paper from my counsellor. I wrote all over it so I am going to type it in, maybe you will learn something about yourself, I am no psychologist or counsellor but I learned a fair bit about myself and had somethings validated for me. Let me know what you think.

So you have to go through the following list and pick 25 of the following values that mean something to you, the best thing is not to over think them, gut reaction is best, write them down on a piece of paper. (This will only display properly if you view on a desktop, doesn’t come across well on a mobile)

Achievement                     Pleasure                        Integrity                  Supervising Others                         Leadership                        Creativity                      Work with Others    Friendships                             Advancement/                  Power and Authority    Involvement            Team Work                        Promotion                        Customer Service          Working Alone        Growth                            Loyalty                              Privacy                           Expertise                Time Freedom             Adventure                         Decisiveness                  Stability                  Helping Society                Market Position                Public Service                Security                  Truth                                Challenging Problems      Democracy                    Excellence               Honesty                       Meaningful Work             Persistence                    Serenity                   Wealth                         Change and Variety          Self-Motivation            Excitement              Freedom                            Money                               Knowledge                    Self-Respect            Work Under Pressure Clear Communications    Humour                         Physical Challenge  Influencing Others     Nature                              Economic Security        Competition             Status                                    Close Relationships         Quality Relationships   Financial Gain          Wisdom                       Open and Honest             Effectiveness                Personal Development                                Cooperation                     Recognition                   Competence              Community                       Order                                Ethical Practice             Independence

One you have selected you 25 values you need to break them into 5 groups of values that you think sit together well, you can have as many or a little in each group as you like. For an example I have put mine in below,

Loyalty                    Adventure      Team Work              Customer Service    Self-Motivation                           Open and Honest   Pleasure          Meaningful Work    Ethical Practice       Recognition           Stability                  Humour          Clear Comms           Self Respect             Integrity                     Freedom                 Excitement     Democracy               Time Freedom         Independence       Truth                      Friendships    Involvement                                                                                 Honesty                                         Personal Development

Now once you have done this pick one value from each group to be the groups name, the value you think encompasses the meaning of the entire group, again I have done mine below the,

Loyalty                    Adventure      Team Work             Customer Service    Self-Motivation Open and Honest    Pleasure         Meaningful Work   Ethical Practice       Recognition Stability                   Humour         Clear Comms          Self Respect             Integrity Freedom                  Excitement    Democracy              Time Freedom         Independence Truth                       Friendships    Involvement                                                                  Honesty                                           Personal Development

The ones I have highlighted are my core values, Truth, Adventure, Involvement, Self Respect and Integrity.

I found this exercise quite interesting to actually look in on myself and think of my values for the first time. I even put them on an A4 piece of paper that I can have with me and put on desks where I work or around my own to always remind me that these are my values and I don’t have to trade them in.IMG_2300

Sometime you may have to bend them and for very good reason or maybe override them, for a very good reason I mean safety or other laws or maybe to protect someone. These are my core values and they may change over time with different experiences but it is comforting to know that they will guide me and back me up when I might need that little bit of guidance. They might help me understand other people, we always have to remember that everyone has different values to us and that is why we may clash but it is OK as long as we are true to ourselves and always try our best then that is all we can do.

Si