Hello!
Lovely to be typing to you all again.
I suffer from anxiety, I don’t know how severe I have it but after 3 breakdowns it has become the monster in my life. It is OK though as I self manage it, sometimes better than other but one word is all it can take for me to a full 180 flip from normal and rational to catastrophe and the end of the world. Ha ha ha.
I like to laugh at myself or rather at Annie (the name I give to my Anxiety so I can disassociate it from me, even though it is a part of me), it is a recent thing that I gave it a name. If it becomes a thing, Da ask if he has set her off on occasion by saying something very innocent, it becomes easier to talk about it with someone who has no experience of it.
I sometimes worry that it is getting too much and then I don’t know what to do about it as there are so few people that I can talk to that understand me, it, her? Those that do are amazing and I always get through the episodes and carry on. COVID obviously hasn’t help as that brings it’s own worries about the crap times we are living through. However, I have been alone in my flat for 7 months now apart from a few weeks when Da has been here. I have got through it, I have pushed myself through it and I get up every morning and do my work and find a way of getting through the nights and the weekends.
I am proud of myself as I have self managed myself well enough, I could have done a lot of things better and I could have pushed myself more. Still, I come back to the worry that one day it will get too much, that I will lose myself in some way and become a shadow of someone I used to love being. I worry that starting a new relationship, which brings it own myriad of anxieties native to coupling will be hard and I won’t be able to be myself. I love who I have become I really do, I have to manage Annie and retain the great person I am now.
This is a hard one to describe but I tried the other day to someone. It feels that sometimes, thanks to the 3 breakdowns that my emotions have been re-wired wrong. As an example, the other day I thought I was excited about seeing Da again, why wouldn’t I be but I think my brain was reading it as anxiety. I think they are similar feelings, the flutter in the pit of your stomach and the faster heartbeat. Suppose the difference is the smile that comes across your face and rather than the frown. Is it even possible for your brain to mis-read emotions? I would very much like to neutralise the anxiety a little bit and bring up the happiness and excitement.
Anxiety is something we all need and it is part of fear, it keeps us safe and makes us consider all options however I do hate it when it interferes with life, going on, being around new people, going into pubs, having a full and fulfilling sex life (it is literally a boner shrinker and worrying about that makes it even worse), being confident in the work place.
I’m gonna laugh again as I feel that I am worrying about worrying. It’s funny when you write it down and read it back to yourself but is this a way of deal with the anxiety, laugh at her. Thank her for keeping me safe but she doesn’t need to worry about it, I got this.
Today’s worries, I worried that Da won’t come back from his Rugby training because I was trying to tell him how I feel or rather shying away from it because I think it will be too much. That after this week when he moves back to his own place I won’t see him for a while (he has given me no evidence to validate this worry, Annie is just running with it. That I am being really crap at my job? That I am being cruel to my parents cause I can’t face them at the moment (Old feelings and an over demanding mother after a day on calls all day at work is not a good mix). Some of these are valid and some are not, how to manage them and be more effective in self managing.
I like the fact that I can talk freely to Da about aspects of our lives and awe grown and learn about each other. I love the fact that I can talk to Sar and JB so freely about how I feel and they will support me. But is there too much, can you talk too much, can I overload/scare these people?
Lots of ponder, any nuggets of advice, feel free to pass them on.
Take care, and as ever be kind to yourself.
Si's Blog 