Firstly how has it been a year since I last updated this blog? This is not an update it is more to re-ignite the real use of this blog for me, to challenge and validate my thinking.
So once again I am struggling with the mental health, back on the pills, even though I am not taking them everyday. I am more annoyed that at the age of 44 I am still struggling and I am fed up with it. Why?
So many why’s. Why can’t I be relaxed? Why can’t I smile and be happy for what I have got? Why do I focus on the negative and not the positive? Why does simply going for a drink with friends fill me with dread and fear? Why, when I am actually chilled I then get anxious that I am not worried or anxious about something?
Welcome to my head, it is a pretty fucked up place and I am getting totally sick of living in it. I can be fully conscious about it now that I sit and write how I felt, what happened and the actions that I took or the lack thereof.
About a week ago or so I was standing on a platform and I saw the train coming in that I was going to be catching. In the moments before it slowly creeped past me to its inevitable stop I thought about jumping in front of it. The only thought I had, if I wasn’t in the world, and by that I mean my world, then it would be OK and all. What I think I meant by this was that my world would be better if I wasn’t in it. I know others would miss me and be upset but me, I think I would be OK with it. It was very calming. Obviously I didn’t do anything and I woke up to myself.
The odd feeling of calm when you feel you are losing control of your world, it really made me think that the only way to bring that calm again it to try and be in control of the my world. Control over the chaos of anxiety, it is even possible? Fuck alone knows. Am I strong enough to try and control it? Fuck alone knows. Am I gonna try and take control, hell yes!
I like the concept of ‘my world’. The real world, what can you change in that? It is too big, to fucked. So I have ‘my world’, just my small little life, my small group of friends and me at the centre of it, after all that is all I can influence and have it be actioned and meaningful.
I have fallen back to my usual default methods of coping, being miserable, eating too much, being negative and generally being a complete cunt. But out of the cunty’ness something positive and altogether better must come right? I have the self help books, I have watched the TED talks, I have the medication, I have the counsellors appointment – I can rebuild me. LOL.
I love that, it just came to me. I love it, I love the thought of rebuilding myself, making myself stronger, and that is the most important part now that I think of it. I will be rebuilding myself, I am not leaving that to someone else. I am not going to rely on doctors, counsellor or drugs to do it for me. I will do it with there help for sure but the ultimately if I rebuild myself I will be strong, positive and leading from the front rather than hiding in the shadows.
So, that is it for now, I will do my best to update you on the progress but as you know I am crap at keeping blog promises.
Be kind to yourself!
Si
Si's Blog 