Starting to exhale

Last night was the start of something I have been known is coming for quite some time.

It came about from my last counselling session which was a while back. With all that has gone on in the last year with the marriage/relationship going down the toilet. The crap that living with your ex brings. Self doubt issues , self worth issues and abject fear. I have managed to keep a lid, mostly, on all of this but I always knew it was building up inside me. Dangerous? Not very wise? You are dam right but try as hard as I might I have been unable to vent it in a safe place.

I have had low moments and it has surfaced but these have been in the wrong place or with the wrong people. Once at home with the ex around and there was no way I wanted him to see it. Once at work and that definitely wasn’t happening. Each and every time I have pushed it down, the last time, the instance at work, took every bit of energy I had to push it back down and it left me scared and exhausted. I’ve always tried to build up the wall keeping it back but I know it has to come.

Last night part of it did and I was home alone. It was the right time and I let it happen.

It started after a thought. A thought that shouldn’t have had the reaction that it did. It started with a feeling of joy, ‘This is almost over’ in reference to my living arrangements. Which led on to the thought that my life will start again in earnest with all the choices and possibilities that are out there for me.

I was confused as what started as a positive thought started to turn and the tears started. I could feel it, waves of pure deep emotion, undetermined emotions heading my way. I had nothing left to stop them and I decided it was time. Instinct kicked in and before I knew it I was on the phone to Jen. She knew this was gonna happen. She stayed with me throughout and guided me.

The emotions hit with such power that I lost my breath. I sat down on my bed, She talking to me and the waves of long suppressed emotions, thoughts and fears hit me. My breathing went shallow and I struggled to get enough air, I went light headed. I let it happen. Thoughts were racing through me, ‘it’s not your fault’, ‘you are not a horrible person’, ‘you deserve happiness’ and ‘it’s ok, it gonna be ok’. What were these thoughts? Where were they coming from?

They were coming from in me, I was saying these things. They were coming out of the emotional deluge I was struggling to make sense of. Could I have been suppressing the very thoughts that would have get me through the dark days? Wow! Am sure there was a mix in there but simply, Wow! It was fighting for myself in a way that I have never done before.

I was still struggling to breath with the over whelming raw power of the emotions coming from deep within me. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth to bring some control back to it, this whilst good it was not sustainable. It didn’t feel wrong to fight it back it was as enough for the time being. It’s like emotionally I had held my breath for 11 months and I need to let it out. Last night I exhaled.

I could hear Jen’s voice saying the right things and the comforting words. I knew I would be alright in the here and now and in the future. I have been very lucky to have been surrounded by so many wonderful people in the last year. I wouldn’t change it for the anything, maybe I would do things differently yes but I not change anything.

I consider myself lucky for what has happened to me because it has made be stronger and I have a thirst for something new, a better life with all the things I deserve.

I am too strong to fail!

I can do all I need to do!

I am not afraid of the future!

I am not afraid of being who I am cause who I am is dam well amazing!

Life is out there and I’m going to dam well grab it by the balls and squeeze it hard!

The beginning of the end.

So it's been a while since I blogged and I feel that a lot has happened and I have had some set backs but also made some progress, well enough to warrant me rambling on again.

So a few weeks ago it was mine and the ex's 40th Birthday celebration. It was a joint do as we are both 40 within a week of each other. As we had split up I decided not to go especially as the ex was taking his new fella. Some of you are probably thinking that's a bit insensitive, some of you are probably thinking the party should have been cancelled and if he still wanted a party he should have made alternate arrangements. The ex thinks practically and not emotionally so didn't see the emotional attachment to that day and evening for me. The feeling was I was lifted out of the evening and my replacement was parachuted in.

To be fair I knew this was gonna happen and maybe I should have been insistent that the night be cancelled. I'll take my part in that.

That day I was at work in the morning and had planned to go to the cinema and have some food in the evening with a friend. Sadly that friend cancelled without really telling me seeing her do something else with someone else on Facebook and it pretty much threw me into an angry state of being. It had been pretty much brewing for a few days and this was just the beginning of the spiral and into anger and maybe not expressing as best as I could but my god it had to come out of me, there was no way I was going to internalise it.

So via a text message conversation about which cinema I was going to so the ex and the replacement didn't go to the same one. I told him my plans had been cancelled and long story short he said I could join them for the evening if I wanted to and should come along. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

That really tipped my over the edge, thankfully Mama Africa came the rescue and took me out for a walk to clear my head and calm me down. So my plan was then to just go home, take a Valium and go to sleep but during the walk from the train station I descended to the darkest of places.

Thinking or rather knowing I had been replaced and forgotten about and let down and hurt by a friend, I knew that I was in a destructive place. I got home and got my pills. I had 122 antidepressants left from my last breakdown and I had always kept them.

I knew I didn't want to do it but I was terrified, more than I had ever been and I text the one person I knew that would get me out of the this, Sar, the problem was she was out at the birthday party. I didn't want to burden Mama Africa further she had been so good already and didn't know what to do. Sar got me through the last one and talked me down, I just wants thinking.

I didn't call I just text and between her and another friend Kat who just happened to text me they got me down. At the time I didn't know that Sar had showed another friend at the party the messages and the ex had found out as the two friends had had a row. I assumed Sar had kept everything to herself maybe that was naive of me considering there was drink flowing.

I came round and all was….I want say OK….but that isn't true I wasn't. Mama Africa came round again on Sunday and she took my pills and flushed them. I sent apology emails to the 2 people at the party and while Sar got back to me and has been fine with me since. One hasn't not and I got a message telling me that my actions were vile and he needed a break from it all. (I have been accused on numerous occasions of bring them into them situation but factually I haven't, I leave that one at the ex's door).

Vile….that word stuck in my mind for days and caused a further crisis enough to make me go to doctor and ask about be sectioned but the doctor was horrendous and I wish I hadn't gone at all. My counsellor was good but still I was stuck on 'vile'. You know if I had really wanted to ruin that night I could have just turned up and had a slanging match with the ex.

Also would you really send that message to someone who had been in crisis the day before, I can understand the anger I really can, considering the person in question has also had similar crisis' I would have expected some thing less damaging. I regret my actions and the distress I caused and look forward to talking it through one day with him.

I'm not writing this to assign blame to anyone but having said that there was blame enough being sent my way for the and I quote 'ruining the whole evening'. I'll take the blame of questionable judgement in texting Sar and causing concern but when in crisis you don't exactly think straight. I'll take on the fact that I need to make amends for my actions. I may have lost a good friend through it which I will have to live with and the repercussions of my actions that night for a long time to come.

Me and the ex had a chat about it and made our peace and I said that he had no idea how much anger there is inside to get out. He was away and said we should talk when he got back.

This is the moment it all started to change. We had the conversation and I said everything that I wanted to say, knowing it would hurt and cause upset but I needed to see that, not in some vengeance thing but to see if I meant anything to him at all as I was replaced so quickly and with ease. What was said will always remain between us but I saw tears and I saw pain. I needed that.

It's time to move on.

That was a couple of weeks ago now, my 40th birthday passed by quietly and maybe I wasn't happy with it so I have resolved to have a big party next year to do it justice. I had a great day out with Mama Africa, Mad Kat and Twinny and I think I spent the whole day laughing which is just what I needed.

I've even had a night out with friends, that may not seem very much or big but, dear readers, it fucking well is for me with social anxiety. Lol. In fact the night lasted till 5am and was a giggle, even saw someone who hates me very much that I had been dreading. There was no ex safety blanket so I thought 'Fuck it, I've got as much right to be here and if you want to waste your night glaring at me then go right ahead'. May not seem much but a confidence boost for me.

So an eventful few weeks, there are some things I deeply regret and will have to live with the consequences but there were some mini mountains climbed.

I sit here on a train writing this blog and there is a genuine feeling of happiness and excitement for the future. Still some big hurdles to come and still some anxiety over some lost friendships. However I know I will be alright and I have a life to live which is gonna be full of fun and laughs. One thing I take from the last few months is just how wonderful my friends have been. Some truly lovely things have been said about me and why people like to be around me. I am very humbled and very honoured.

I am also meeting a man for a coffee on Tuesday. Eek! Too soon, is it? What's the time frame? Surely if it feels right?

First and foremost, climbing Snowdon tomorrow with Twinny.

Si

Confused and conflicted

Hello! 
So today I write in a place of some confusion.

Yesterday my recently ex husband/partner asked if I was in after work and be free for a chat. This can really only really one thing dear reader, bad news is coming. What else can you do but Si and wait for it, so that it what I did. Watching Eastenders and Holby from the previous day, eating the wrong foods and doughnuts. 

In he comes, there is a general chat about how everything is going as we are still living together and as it was an amicable split up we are both happy with the arrangements. I confess that I am in no rush to live alone as I still need to save up some money before I can go but I like where I live and it is working so i’m sticking with it.

We talked about all the stuff going on for us and giggle and laugh and I tell him what has been happening with my friend. We go over the faults in our relationship and re-enforce that we are happier now and discuss some of the things that might have saved it but in the long run it is done now and we deal with what is happening now. 

Then he tells me, he says it and for a second I am surprised. Then the logical part of my brain kicks and says “Of course he is”. He has been dating someone for the last 4 weeks, it has only been 2 months since we split up. He has been spending a lot of time in Northampton with old friends and he met someone he liked, they slept together at Pride and have been on a few dates with this person. I sit and absorb, the feelings hit, jealously (why is he first?), anger (it’s been a few weeks, it’s too soon), intrigue (is he thinner than me? Better looking than me?). Thank god I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow I think, which is where I am off to now, will continue this when I get home……..

………So I am back home now and after a difficult session and even more difficult conversation with the ex when I got home I am confused and conflicted but I am OK. 

So the only question I keep coming back to is, ‘I can’t have been that hard to get over’, which my is where I am stuck so I called him out on it. It wasn’t easy, he said it was terrible timing and that he is not fully over what happened between us but it was there, he agonised over it and decided not to let an opportunity pass by. I know he is further down the line, he knew and I did if I am honest, that our relationship was over a long time before so he reconciled it in his mind where I am still struggling. Not that I am letting him off the hook, it still hurts and I feel that I am essay to get over after 10 years but again would I have done the same thing if our positions were reversed. 

Confusing and conflicted. I wish him well and hope to have a very special friendship for many years to come but for now, I need time to process and think. 

What I do now is in my hands, do I let it overwhelm me and get stuck or do I process, accept and move on wishing him well? 

Advice and guidance?

Si

Values

Good Morning!

So today I thought I would talk about something that was a bit of a revelation to me during one of my counselling sessions. It may seem a bit silly as I am sure we all know what values are and yes we do, I know what values are. They are the things we live our lives by but have you ever really sat down and thought about what you inner, personal ‘core’ values are? Well, as I mentioned I did such an exercise with my counsellor and later on I will share it with you but I have to say I learnt so much about myself in that hour, well maybe not all new things but certainly reaffirmed a few things for me.

I found it quite hard at first to think about my values, I mean I have always thought of myself as honest and someone who likes to enjoy what they do and have a laugh, but to try and make a list of the everything that I consider a value was quite daunting. Thankfully my counsellor handed my a piece of paper with a long list of of values on, it made it much easier. So I come back to the question, what is a value?

It is something you live you life by? Or something to you try or aim to live your life by? I mean when I say I listed truth as a value am I saying that I am always truthful, if I am honest then no I can’t say that but do I always try to be truthful with people then hell yes! So to me a value can be both something you live your life by and something you try your very best to achieve in life, in your dealings with people and family.

I am going to share the first part of the exercise I did with you, it’s aimed more at the work area of life but I think it bleeds into all parts of life, I hope it doesn’t actually break any copyrights or anything, it was given to me on a printed piece of paper from my counsellor. I wrote all over it so I am going to type it in, maybe you will learn something about yourself, I am no psychologist or counsellor but I learned a fair bit about myself and had somethings validated for me. Let me know what you think.

So you have to go through the following list and pick 25 of the following values that mean something to you, the best thing is not to over think them, gut reaction is best, write them down on a piece of paper. (This will only display properly if you view on a desktop, doesn’t come across well on a mobile)

Achievement                     Pleasure                        Integrity                  Supervising Others                         Leadership                        Creativity                      Work with Others    Friendships                             Advancement/                  Power and Authority    Involvement            Team Work                        Promotion                        Customer Service          Working Alone        Growth                            Loyalty                              Privacy                           Expertise                Time Freedom             Adventure                         Decisiveness                  Stability                  Helping Society                Market Position                Public Service                Security                  Truth                                Challenging Problems      Democracy                    Excellence               Honesty                       Meaningful Work             Persistence                    Serenity                   Wealth                         Change and Variety          Self-Motivation            Excitement              Freedom                            Money                               Knowledge                    Self-Respect            Work Under Pressure Clear Communications    Humour                         Physical Challenge  Influencing Others     Nature                              Economic Security        Competition             Status                                    Close Relationships         Quality Relationships   Financial Gain          Wisdom                       Open and Honest             Effectiveness                Personal Development                                Cooperation                     Recognition                   Competence              Community                       Order                                Ethical Practice             Independence

One you have selected you 25 values you need to break them into 5 groups of values that you think sit together well, you can have as many or a little in each group as you like. For an example I have put mine in below,

Loyalty                    Adventure      Team Work              Customer Service    Self-Motivation                           Open and Honest   Pleasure          Meaningful Work    Ethical Practice       Recognition           Stability                  Humour          Clear Comms           Self Respect             Integrity                     Freedom                 Excitement     Democracy               Time Freedom         Independence       Truth                      Friendships    Involvement                                                                                 Honesty                                         Personal Development

Now once you have done this pick one value from each group to be the groups name, the value you think encompasses the meaning of the entire group, again I have done mine below the,

Loyalty                    Adventure      Team Work             Customer Service    Self-Motivation Open and Honest    Pleasure         Meaningful Work   Ethical Practice       Recognition Stability                   Humour         Clear Comms          Self Respect             Integrity Freedom                  Excitement    Democracy              Time Freedom         Independence Truth                       Friendships    Involvement                                                                  Honesty                                           Personal Development

The ones I have highlighted are my core values, Truth, Adventure, Involvement, Self Respect and Integrity.

I found this exercise quite interesting to actually look in on myself and think of my values for the first time. I even put them on an A4 piece of paper that I can have with me and put on desks where I work or around my own to always remind me that these are my values and I don’t have to trade them in.

Sometime you may have to bend them and for very good reason or maybe override them, for a very good reason I mean safety or other laws or maybe to protect someone. These are my core values and they may change over time with different experiences but it is comforting to know that they will guide me and back me up when I might need that little bit of guidance. They might help me understand other people, we always have to remember that everyone has different values to us and that is why we may clash but it is OK as long as we are true to ourselves and always try our best then that is all we can do.

Si

Day 1…..again!

Hi all,

It has been a while since I last jotted anything down to you all, apologies! I am currently in one of may favourite places at the moment to bring the old mac book and write and chill. In The Village Cafe in Codsall, where I hear you ask. Well, it’s not actually all that far from where I live but just far enough away to be almost in the country. Also it is where my counsellor lives, I discovered this cafe as the trains get here early and I have nearly an hour to wait. I have been trying to get back into writing and journalling and blogging so it seems to match up well. I like the environment and I can people watch and they make really nice breakfast rolls.

So, some of you may have picked up on the fact that I am in Codsall to see a counsellor, why does Si need to see I hear you all ask. A well adjusted, conscientious thing like him will be all fine in the head case department? How far that is from the truth, no seriously and to save a very long story I had a break down at work that was bought on by my job and severe anxiety issues. I have had anxiety for a long time and it hasn’t gotten any better and neither have I at dealing with it to be honest, head in the sand sadly.

So after so rather scary events, walking around Wolves town centre not quite sure of why, where I was or what I was doing and had to be found by my husband and then after 3 days of not sleeping trying to get out the front door in my jim-jams at 3am in the morning and not haven’t the faintest idea of why I was doing ti or where I was going. To be honest it scared me a little. So after multiple trips to the doctor and some counselling sessions I am on the mend finally. I have been on a myriad of drugs, the ones that make you a zombie, the ones that make you feel drunk the whole time, the ones that are supposed to make you sleep and keep you awake all night. Then finally the good ones, the ones that level you out so life is manageable and the ones that sedate you so you can sleep at night!

So I am in a position now after the christmas madness that I can sit and take stock of where I am and where I am going next. I feel a lot more stable and level now and able to get out and about in the world and not feel scared of everything. There is still plenty I fear, more on that in another blog. I also am aware of what I need to do to make changes to my life, to make it more enjoyable, it currently isn’t in some aspects, to make my life more distracting, an essential for those with anxiety. I hope to be blogging about those in future blogs as I make a real effort to do more of the things that I enjoy and try to inject more fun and happiness in my life, writing is a big one, I love writing and I love my mac book so that seems to go together quite well.

So why the title, Day 1….again? Well some of it comes from the fact that this was my third break down and it feels like day 1 all over again of the mountain still to climb to get over it, I feel that base camp has been made and that the support structure is there but the climb is all on me.

It also pertains to giving up sugar….again. I gave up sugar last year in March I think and by September I had lost 1 and 3/4 stones and was mere pounds from my ideal, dream weight. Apart from the first few weeks of realising how much sugar is in the foods that I eat, a lot, and getting past the cravings for it nearly 24/7, after all sugar is more addictive that cocaine! Yes! So this time around it should be remarkably easy to be after all I know now what I didn’t now then, I know I can do it and I can do it well. All I need is will power and after I shovelled the last of the christmas chocolate down my throat I feel so sick of it so I am hoping that will help, it actual fact I am in this cafe that doubles as a high end bakery looking at delicious cakes and feel nauseous, a good sign!

I suppose that’s a little round up of where I am now, fucked in the head but getting better, had nearly 2 months of work and getting bored and starting to believe in the mantra, healthy body (no sugar/processed foods) healthy mind, goodbye anxiety/depression.

More soon!